Day 1 - my shortish story and why I'm starting this now

I've been struggling with lower back pain for over 2 years. It was manageable for a while without disrupting my life, but it kept getting worse. I had to stop doing the things I love (cycling, skiing, road trips in the car, etc) and was stuck at home. I could still work, but I couldn't do anything I enjoyed. I sunk into a pretty deep depression and questioned whether or not this life was worth sticking around for. I was told that I "have the spine of a 20 year old" (I am 40) based on my MRIs. I have a neurosurgeon friend who looked at my imaging and told me to RUN from anyone who wanted to operate on me! So, what was wrong with me? Why was I in pain? I went to so many physical therapists (maybe it's a muscle imbalance), I tried active release technique (releasing tight muscles), I tried SI joint injections (did nothing). I stopped exercising thinking I was continuously injuring myself. I sat on heat pads. I stretched, foam rolled, did PT exercises diligently every day, used a standing desk. I took so much tylenol I probably have no liver remaining. Eventually, while crying on the phone to my neurosurgeon friend, he recommended the book "Healing Back Pain" to me. He said "it has some outdated concepts and I don't agree with everything but I think it's valid." He told me I could borrow his copy, but I actually OWNED it already, unread, purchased in a fit of desperation after going down some random back pain wormhole on the internet. I read it, maybe scoffed a little, but started down that path. I found a mind-body therapist and started working with him in June 2023.

Nothing changed, but in October 2023, I went on vacation to California and my pain levels dropped drastically. This was a week-long active vacation with plane rides, hiking, sightseeing, etc. By the end of the vacation, I was virtually pain free. When I returned home, my pain returned, but by then I had considered this a breakthrough. This pain was somehow related to my mental state or stress levels and not my body. How could I spend hours in a plane and rental car, hike a mountain, hike to the Hollywood sign and be fine, but my day-to-day mundane activities at home were causing me pain. Needless to say, I moved forward with full belief of TMS and slowly resumed my activities. I have spent the last 5 months thankful for every pain free moment, every activity I can do. I have hiked, run, cross country skied, downhill skied, uphill skied (it's a thing!), mountain biked, road biked, swam, probably even more things I can't think of. However, what I think I did wrong was not doing the work. Yes, I was working with my therapist every 2 weeks, but essentially I was otherwise just ignoring my pain (as a lifelong endurance athlete I have an enormous pain tolerance) and it slowly died down so I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

Now, 5 months later, it has flared back up. I am trying my hardest to not freak out. I know this is TMS. I know there are ups and downs with recovery. Obviously I hoped I would just continue to feel better and my pain would fade away, but of course, that is not what happened. But I have had a taste of my life again and I refuse to not fight for it, so here I am.

 

Hi @JustJumpIt17 and welcome. There are lots of resources here and a big supportive community.