Day 18 Common themes

There are a few recurrent topics/ emotions in my journaling.

1. My lack of ability to find safety in a relationship due to two prior violent ones
2. Anger that my stepdad passed away back in 2013 and left me with my mom who lost all ability to adult. I had to pay her bills for a while (never saw the money back) until she lost the house and moved in with me and then husband, and has since lived with me for free (so resentment there).
3. Resentment to my fiance for not being more financially stable and seeming to need more guidance than most adults. So it's like like I have two more kids between him and my mom on top of my actual 10 year old.

None of these are necessarily things I want to "do" something about, just working on ways to accept and cope.

 

Sounds like a heavy load.

 

Sounds like you don't feel safe because you feel powerless in your situation.

 

I keep expecting any time we argue for it to turn into something like the past relationships. Hard thing to shake but the longer we go without that happening, the easier it gets. I know I go on super defensive mode a lot because of it.