Day 3 Commitment

[Mooreck]

I went for a walk in the country yesterday as I committed to doing the day before. It was enjoyable and the increase in the pain in my knees was minimal. As the day progressed doubts kept coming into my mind but I did not
Let them run away with themselves. In the evening my knees became red and slightly swollen, this is common but again I just tried to ignore it.

I would like to share a bit about me.

I had a pretty normal childhood in a London living with my mum, dad and elder sister. Although I would say it was happy I was quite a fearful child.

When was 17 I had a car accident that resulted in both myself and a close friend being injured. It was entirely my fault I was being stupid and the result injured us both.

I had not pain symptoms up to this point in my life.

About 7 months later my back started to hurt for no apparent reason. After about 18 month of no relief from this I was told I had hyper mobility syndrome and this caused the pain in my back. Don't worry they said just get on with it.

I am now 48 and get on with it is what I have done. I have had an ok life and have made the best of things however my symptoms have steady grown.

Painful knees, shoulder, elbow, frequent urination, tinitus.

These are never dreadful enough to stop me completely but they have totally controlled my life. As I said in my last post I have given up all activity that has no real purpose e.g exercise. I have been aware for a while that my symptoms basically control my life. There appears to be an internal governor inside me saying what I can an cannot do. Ride a bike no your hip and knees will hurt. Dig a trench for a new water pipe, yes you can do that today no pain. Go for a walk in the evening and my knees will almost certain hurt and swell.

Even before reading about TMS I knew this was being controlled from within but the issue I have is the seed given to me that as the doctors said year ago I have hyper mobility, that I read as being a weak body and this in fact is the reason I have so much pain in my joints.

Onwards with the programme Day 4.

 

[Becca]

I have been aware for a while that my symptoms basically control my life. There appears to be an internal governor inside me saying what I can an cannot do. Ride a bike no your hip and knees will hurt. Dig a trench for a new water pipe, yes you can do that today no pain. Go for a walk in the evening and my knees will almost certain hurt and swell.

Having that internal governor telling you all the things you are unable to do is incredibly discouraging and frustrating. The wonderful thing about TMS approach is that it helps you realize that you CAN do all these things, and more!

I think the key word here is fear. So much of the power and control TMS symptoms have comes not from the symptoms themselves, but from from our fear of them. One common manifestation of that is that voice in our head (your “internal governor”) reminding us of all the things we shouldn't do or can’t do. The fear perpetuates that idea that you’re “broken” and makes you avoid digging a trench or riding a bike or going for a walk. But, you’re not broken. You are not broken! Really! In fact, you’re probably anything but. Accepting and internalizing this is key in accepting the TMS diagnosis. and the self-awareness you clearly have will help you immensely here and in your recovery overall.

Working through this program, and using this community as a support, will help you change the thought’s of “I can’t” and “I shouldn't” to “I can” and “Why not?” So, when you do go for a walk, you won’t be worrying about when in that walk your knees will hurt and swell, or how bad the pain will be compared to last time, etc. You’ll be able to focus instead on the things we should all be able to enjoy on a walk, like the feeling of the sun or a cool breeze, or being able to carry a conversation with a friend. I have faith in you, as I’m sure we all do here. Remember to have faith in yourself, too: you can, and will, get your life back.

Becca

 

[Mooreck]

Hi Becca,

Thank you for the encouraging words, I really appreciate that some I don't know taking the time to do this.

Oddly the voice in my head controlling my life is almost certainly fuelling the rage inside my unconscious. At it was the almost certainly repressed anger that generated the TMS. I appear to be in cycle.

Can't be allowed to face/feel certain emotions and the result is TMS symptoms.

TMS symptoms control my life that makes me consciously depressed and almost certainly unconsciously angry.

I just need to break this cycle and I will be free.

 

[Becca]

If you haven't yet, I'd recommend reading Alan Gordon's article on Breaking the Pain Cycle. It's a great resource and I think completely relevant to you. (I mean, just look at the title! )

 

[Mooreck]

Hi Becca,

Thank you for the link, I read it and I agree it is completely relevant to me.

It appears to me that if you suffer from TMS symptoms relief is found through identifying the source of unconscious rage. My unconscious will do anything it can prevent me doing this. In my case for over 30 years.

I believe this programme will guide me through a method of trying to identify this source through journaling and self awareness. About 15 years ago I started therapy and worked with my therapist for 7 years. I learned a lot about past events and enabled me to live a much more fulfilled life. During my last session my therapist said we had both moved to a new place and had learned from each other along the way. He also said he felt I still needed to address issues relating to anger.

At the time I said nothing but was rather confused as I thought over the years I had really had a chance to really feel the emotions relating to some very traumatic events in my life.

So as I progress I wounding what else I am going to find and if I can find it through journaling. I am convinced there is a hot pot of rage to find but will I discover why is so terrifying inside of me?

Take care
Chris