Day 1 Choosing my passion over fear (Wrist/Elbow/Shoulder)

This is certainly not the place I figured I'd find myself in after 8 years of on and off wrist, elbow, and shoulder pain. Nonetheless, I'm so grateful to be here, and so grateful for the community that makes it possible to go through the SEP (for free, I might add!).

Some info about me: I'm 29 and a professional artist. I had an inciting incident in 2018 that resulted in severe tendonitis in the wrist, thumb, and elbow: my "thesis" art project in my final year of college. I worked on it every day for 8 months, 6-10 hours a day. I didn't stretch, or exercise, or eat well. Our class had a pretty bad relationship with the staff, and there was a lot of pressure to perform as well as the top performing art schools (they wanted one of our films to get into an awards show). The stress was terrible, I was angry, and finally... my body gave out.

The pain in my dominant hand was so severe that I couldn't sleep, and what's worse is I pushed through it in order to finish. They threatened not graduating me if I didn't finish the final project, and I didn't have the money for another semester of tuition. I was between a rock and a hard place, choosing my health and my body over the experience of graduating on time with all my friends... I fear I chose poorly.

I graduated on time in a wrist brace. The summer was spent in recovery, bored out of my mind, ONLY wanting to draw and craft. I struggled to find work. I was *so* angry, at the school, at myself, and at the world. I felt like I'd wasted all this money on a useless degree, and hurt myself while doing so.

I found work, but the pain kept returning. Sometimes it would last weeks, months, and it would only go away if I stopped obsessing over it. I exhausted my options with physical therapy, hand specialists, cortisone injections, special medication, alternative medicine, chiro, better sleep, better exercise, better diet... but no matter what I tried, the injury always came back. If I got excited about an art project and dedicated myself to it, the pain would return after only a few days. It would be as severe as it was right before I graduated school, when the injury felt the worst.

It evolved from there. Whenever I'd do a big load of dishes, or mop the floors, or wipe the counters, I'd get a similar pain in my hand. The reminder of how severe it *could* get was enough for me to stop the activity out of fear of making it worse, and robbing myself of use of my hand.

After the second year of dealing with this, COVID hit. From there, I pretty much gave up on treating the injury. I accepted that I had a permanent condition that couldn't be fixed. Three hand specialists had already told me that, and that I needed to give up on my dreams of becoming a professional artist because I would eventually run into this injury, and it would disable me. My spirits were crushed, and I just had to deal with it. So I did, for 5+ more years (I still made art when I could, but only a few times a year. I used to do it every day.)

And then, by some miracle... I did it! I became a professional artist. The stars aligned in my life and the perfect opportunity came along. I started just last December and it's been a DREAM come true, but by mid-March my life came to a screeching halt when the pain returned. I had to request short-term medical leave because I couldn't even lift a pen.

I went to a hand specialist and a physical therapist, and neither could find anything structurally wrong with my hand, elbow, or shoulder. They diagnosed me based on on symptoms with De Quarvain's tendinitis, and Tennis Elbow, and said I would recover in 2-3 weeks.

But I knew the truth. I knew the injury wouldn't go away that quickly, and I was afraid. I was afraid the other doctors were right, and that I'd have to quit my job after my short-term leave was up because I wouldn't have healed all the way. I had zero confidence in my body's ability to fight this.

Now... I'm here. Dr. Sarno's work was recommended to me by a youtuber who dealt with tendinitis in both hands, but reading "The MindBody Perscription" cured him in just a few weeks. This seemed too good to be true, but I was well aware of the emotional aspect of my injury, and how much anger and rage I was holding onto. When I started reading the book myself, I realized how compatible my personality was with people who often suffer from TMS. I really resonated with what I read, and made my way to the wiki hoping to read more success stories and put myself on the same path.

I've already had an experience of feeling my pain "evaporate" when I engage with my emotions. It was CRAZY!!! I'm almost entirely convinced that what I'm struggling with is TMS, and I'm still reinforcing my confidence by challenging my doubts and continuing to read and educate myself. This wiki has been an invaluable resource. My biggest challenge has been grappling with my fear.

So, hi! I'm rabbits, and I'm choosing to reclaim my passion for art, drawing, crafting, and creating over the fear I have of permanently losing the ability to make art. This is a big leap for me, so if anyone wants to share words of encouragement or tips on dealing with the fear of damaging your body by engaging with your pain, I really welcome it.

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What would a life without TMS mean to you?

It would mean confidence over fear. It would mean choosing to draw for fun and not suffer through it. It would mean experimenting with new things without fear of wasting my time, or overexerting my body past its limit and being forced to rest for weeks and weeks. It would mean entering contests, collaborating with friends, taking on new opportunities that excite me, and engaging in my creativity in new and exciting ways!!! It's what I've always wanted my life to be, if the pain were absent.

 

A fellow bunny lover! Welcome Rabbits. You’ve been through a lot but I do believe you’re in the right place now.

and interesting isn’t it, how TMS gets us in the place that gets our attention the most?

did you draw your profile picture?

 

Thank you, Rabscuttle!

It's a funny thing the brain does, isn't it? I wonder if humans will be able to fully explain the brain someday. I find TMS rather fascinating, especially after reading so many success stories of people who suffered with their pain for years and years. So incredibly happy for everyone who has found success so far.

I didn't, but it's lovely isn't it? This piece is by German artist Rosemarie Trockel.

 

@rabbits
Welcome! Sad story. It made me sad for you. But you can have everything you want back again, and more. Lots of artists, musicians and writers lose the use of their hands from TMS. It’s like @Rabscuttle said, your TMS brain knows just how to get your attention. There are so many success stories. And you can be one, too. That’s great you’re doing the SEP! Good place to start. Just remember, it’s a journey. You won’t believe all the things you’ll learn! If you’re up for reading more material, I highly recommend Hope and Help for Your Nerves, by Claire Weekes. Replace all the symptoms she mentions with your own. A big part of TMS is just the plain ole fact that your nerves are shot and need to heal.

 

Thank you, Diana! For the kind words and the suggestion I'll add your suggestion to my Kindle and get reading this week.

 

Not so relevant assuming it is TMS (I don't diagnose - but from what you've said I would say it's highly likely) - so the potential self-judgment isn't necessary here (these things wouldn't have prevented TMS beyond their capacity to reduce stress, but in the position you were in I doubt they would have made much difference).

Much more relevant! This is/was the key

Not necessarily in my opinion. Given you said that you have the TMS personality, it probably would have got you down the road eventually (something else would have tipped you over the edge and triggered symptoms given all of the pressure). My TMS started from a gym injury (because I pushed too hard in pursuit of unrealistic goals), and for years I grappled with that guilt, but it didn't make sense (the guilt that is) given it was TMS (like I said, if it wasn't that it would have been something else + it wasn't structurally caused which was the illusion I was under which drove a lot of the guilt). Dropping that guilt went a long way to recovery - you don't need it nor is it justified You got your degree out of it and once you recover from TMS (assuming that is what is going on - it looks highly likely), you'll probably be glad you pushed through when you did to complete it.

As I said in the previous part, and to add to that you didn't hurt yourself if TMS! There's nothing structurally wrong.

I have some more information on these diagnoses from the TMS Diagnostic Guide, but to ask first is the fear of damaging your body based on lingering doubt in the TMS diagnosis? Because if it's TMS, there is no danger in doing so (and this information on those diagnoses should help)

Welcome and sorry for just jumping right into it if that was abrupt (I am passionate when I see the potential)! This isn't to get your hopes up and Diana is correct that it is a journey (it takes as long as it takes) - but personally I think you're in a really good position and have a really solid base to springboard off of

 

Welcome to the SEP! It's a great program. My advice as you go along this journey is to be your own best friend. Take care of yourself (any kind of self care!) because some of the journaling will bring up the past that you may not have thought about before. I also recommend that you find some joy in your life. It sounds like you are already doing that by reclaiming your art as you work on the SEP but also think about hobbies that you enjoyed as a kid that you no longer do.