CFS/TMS, need some help!!!! Please Finish!!!

[Wecanovercome]

Hello,
My name is Nick (new to to the forum, though I have been watching silently for some time right now), and I need some major help...
In February of 2018 after losing a job, ending an engagement, moving back into my childhood home with my parents, I went to my friends wedding in Florida and spent a week there basically being a sad booze bag. When I returned home to start a new job working with dangerous high school students who were close to being incarcerated, it felt as if my nervous system was breaking down... and I’ll describe the symptoms in a moment but I want to make this short and sweet so I can get to my question...

Fast forward to November 2019, I start a job at a different school (I’m a teacher, btw and am currently 27). Already being in a stressed state, I was having a horrible first day and while on lunch duty I all of a sudden got extremely heavy legs, palpitations, lightheadedness and dizziness. When I would exercise, something that I always did (I was and still am kind of a gym rat) the symptoms would only intensify. I had trouble walking from the parking lot to my desk, and could only teach most of my classes sitting down, of fear of passing out. I had test after test done, with not much signaling why I had these symptoms. Even autonomic neurology said I had a slight orthostatic intolerance going on. Fast forward to July 2019 and I’m still feeling awful- maybe even worse than when the illness initiated, despite the physical treatment I have recieved.... then I discover Sarno. Discovered that the symptoms were only threatening emotions... and bam!!! I made what I would call a 90% recovery!!! In three weeks I climbed a mountain and even played a game in a baseball league I quit because of cfs. Wonderful!

but I went back to teaching... and the symptoms returned. Sometimes I would find relief on weekends, but that would disappear soon thereafter and I was symptomatic all over again.

In March- May I wasn’t working, and felt significantly better, but as I started I new job, things for worse again.

Now I’m back teaching and I just had an incident where I need all of your help. I was walking with my girlfriend this past Sunday I was symptomatic, but nothing too bad. Suddenly I felt this twinge in my neck and I felt extremely light headed and almost passed out. This lasted about 30-45 seconds. I then returned to baseline symptoms and was able to finish. But every day since, I’ve had that symptom EVERYDAY for a week straight, and an increase in dizziness, light headed ness and post exertion malaise. On Thursday I had gone to the ER to get it checked, but they told me everything looked good and just to follow up with more testing...

Today I felt like I was actually dying, palpitations, shooting pains, dizziness, lightheadedness, all day. Being a pretty fit looking 27 year old (some bad habits like smokeless tobacco and some drinking, but also well -muscled with visible abdominal wall)...
So my question is, how likely is it that that this event is replaying over in my subconscious and causing me the same symptom over and over again and how likely is it that I’m actually dying? If I’m not actually dying, how do I get this monkey off my back?

thanks for staying with me

 

[Baseball65]

So my question is, how likely is it that that this event is replaying over in my subconscious and causing me the same symptom over and over again and how likely is it that I’m actually dying?

Hey Bro.
I had a few of those emergency room visits with 'nothing' wrong.

Assuming you've ruled out any real stuff (tumors, major illness) The reason your still having symptoms might be that although you made the correct call and you have TMS, you might not have 'dug out' all of the reasons you need the symptoms.
That's right. Need the symptoms.

EVERY time I get a minor relapse, I NEED the symptom. I have kept elaborate notes in the margins of my Copy of 'healing back pain' and every time I review it, with the 20/20 of hindsight, there was always something going on that was so unacceptable to my 'base, authentic self' the symptoms were only an alarm telling me to look at the stuff.... change something, move my life left or right, or move geographically (like out of that room)

I caught in your post that you are a teacher? In this day and age that must be a RAGE maker of a deal. I'd rather shovel shit all day long than put up with the impossible task you've been set forth. Also, assuming you told the story in order, each time it got bad you had just started a new job. Didn't school just start again?

Also.. you were walking with your GF? what were you guys talking about? Any pressure there? to get married? To make some sort of change? Is this your dream relationship, or someone you are just OK with and complicitly ambling with until ????

As i look back over the 21 years I have done this, My Jobs and My Gf's (and a wife) were at the core of a large portion of my need for a distraction. It is amazing how strange of situations we can get in out of the search for companionship...

When I kept pushing against the 'real me' underneath the 'present me' I too eventually had a complete neurological meltdown... And when I finally said "Help" and really looked at some uncomfortable truths, it all stopped. I didn't have to quit my job, but I did have to admit to myself I hated it. I didn't have to leave my wife, but I did have to admit I got married for all the wrong reasons. The outcome of those admissions (to myself) caused me to change some exterior stuff, but more important was admitting it to my inner most self. Continuing on in the 'way I wish it could be' only kept me with intensifying symptoms.

Nowadays I look at it like an early warning system. It's always a sign to pull over and look under the hood.

peace

 

[Wecanovercome]

Baseball65,

Thanks for the long and thought out reply! I definitely appreciate it! In terms of the physical, the E.R all checked out (Covid and everything, lol) and they said I should follow up with cardiology, which I will do...
But this condition certainly reads it’s ugly head worse when I am working. It’s not pheasible for me to quit my job. I hated teaching in the past but this one isn’t that bad, and I actually like it online.

But when I was walking with my girlfriend, I certainly was subconsciously thinking about the issues in our relationship. She’s a smart, sexy girl and I enjoy my time with her but I feel as if she doesn’t want to progress in the relationship after two and a half years, and it’s mainly because my health/TMS issues. As a matter of fact, on Thursday when I got checked out at the hospital, when I told her about it I could tell in her voice there was this sort of “oh, this again...” in her voice, with a complete lack of support. And that hurt me. I called her out for it and told her that if she can’t accept me for me, we can’t move on. We are supposed to meet and talk about it, but we haven’t quite yet (we met at a restaurant Friday but we kind of ducked it).

I believe that my physical feelings since have been a result of the stress of the unknown of the fainting incident as well as my feelings about the relationship. With CFS you can go downhill very quickly. For example, last week I worked out 6 times and played golf multiple days with uncomfortable, but manageable symptoms and since the faint walking in of itself has been brutal. I’m just going to get some quality rest, tackle the issues in my relationship or end it if need be (honestly I really like her I hope she can just be more accepting of me) and regain confidence in my health and I will be good.