Can't and can's

[BloodMoon]

This round of TMS— it seems like only pushing has gotten me any relief. But I know people who pushing has made things worse for them. They only do things in the smallest baby steps. I guess the solution is different for everybody.

As you know, I'm one of those who has had to do 'baby steps' to get lasting improvement; when I've tried to push really hard or blast my way through symptoms the vast majority of the time my symptoms have become cripplingly much worse, making me bed bound on numerous occasions, sometimes for months on end. However, in connection with what @NewBeginning says here...

If I would have listened a bit more or at least known where the edge is so that I am wasn't walking (running?) toward total destruction like I was, but building up.

... I think that "building up"/taking 'baby steps' can actually be effectively the equivalent to pushing, or even blasting, one's way through. (I shall rename 'baby steps' as 'building up steps' because that doesn't seem so terribly 'feeble' and pathetic and discouraging to one's spirit as the term 'baby steps'.) So, anyway, to illustrate my point: when, for instance, I found walking for more than 10 minutes very difficult I wouldn't try and walk for half an hour straight, instead I'd get up from my day bed and I'd walk up and down my living room for 5 minutes and then a bit later I'd do the same thing again and I'd keep doing that throughout the day and by the end of the day I had walked for half an hour. I then gradually increased my 5 minute walking sessions to 6 minutes and so on and now I can walk for an hour straight without my brain rebelling and crippling me up with much worsened symptoms. 'Building up steps' doesn't have to be, say, 5 minutes of walking (or whatever activity one wants to do/work on) one day and then endeavouring to walk 6 minutes the next day (albeit that might be all that one can manage in a day and that would be better than nothing); it can be much more than that.

This 'building up steps' approach also has the advantage of being liable to reveal to you 'the edge' of what you can do, as @NewBeginning puts it, but, that said, oft times you don't actually find 'the edge' because with this gradual approach you're more liable not to do more than you can 'safely' manage without your liable-to-TMSing brain (in particularly the amygdala/limbic system) freaking out and putting the kibosh on things.

 

[Diana-M]

I don’t want you guys to think I do everything full blast all the time! I like your building up steps, @BloodMoon. Most of the time that’s what I do. I guess there are some things that I’ve had to do full blast—and in the end, I felt better.

 

[BloodMoon]

I don’t want you guys to think I do everything full blast all the time! I like your building up steps, @BloodMoon. Most of the time that’s what I do. I guess there are some things that I’ve had to do full blast—and in the end, I felt better.

As you said in your previous post "I guess the solution is different for everybody"; we usually have to experiment to see what works for us as individuals.

I just wanted to kind of put a vote in for how greatly profound 'building up steps' can be because the problem with 'building up steps' is the rewards aren't immediately satisfying, you have to endeavour to keep your eyes on the eventual prize and that is hard to do. When you pushed yourself to go on your trip to the seaside like you so courageously recently did, the prize is big and kind of glorious (because you love the beach and sea) and thus more immediately satisfying, whereas it's harder to feel buoyed/uplifted, even with having managed to walk somewhat further in a day than one has managed to do previously, when that's been achieved in boring old 5 minute sessions of walking up and down in one's boring old living room. If only there were a way to make 'building up steps' more buoying/uplifting! - Especially because the amygdala is liable to switch off its alarms (the symptoms) when it realises that we're happier, as we must be safe, not angry, and not in any danger at all when we're in good spirits. (What I've realised of late is that progress for me really is a case of mind over misery.)

 

[Diana-M]

What I've realised of late is that progress for me really is a case of mind over misery

Wow! This is profound! And, oh so true! Me too. I noticed when my attitude is better life is just great and it doesn’t even matter where I am on this journey. I’m just happy. That’s the answer.

“If only there were a way to make 'building up steps' more buoying/uplifting! “
True. But life can’t always be the most glorious! It’s realistic to have little routine things in your daily life be the answer. You and @Cactusflower have been a big influence on me on the steps I’m taking to get better. And you both always emphasize these little things. I want to make a big display of standing up and setting a timer and increasing my standing every day, like an Olympian. And you guys both say, “Why don’t you just combine your standing with doing something to live, like make a sandwich!” this always makes me laugh and also helps me realize How much pressure I always put on myself. “ Oh, it’s that simple? Just live and that will include standing?” Lol duh! I honestly didn’t even think of it.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

This is what I am trying to decipher and maybe a lot of it has to do with... what is underneath the pushing through (fear ....?).

(It's possible you've already addressed what I'm going to say, as we've had a few super-athletic women lately and I'm starting to lose track!)

I edited down most of the quote above, @NewBeginning, to carve out what you might consider focusing on. You're describing an obsessive level of behavior which is admirable on some levels, but given the fact that you are here, is also likely to contain a significant element of dysfunction. And that is something which comes from childhood pressure, as you've stated. I am going to suggest that you would benefit from really going back to your childhood and examining how you felt about this family pressure as a small child. Using the childhood adversity questionnaire can help you identify family behaviors and dysfunctions which formed the basis of early repression of normal childhood needs and desires. Even a low score on the questionnaire is a significant indicator of future suffering. Learn about it and access it here:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/aces-quiz-online-printable-versions.27061 (ACEs "quiz" - online & printable versions)

 

[NewBeginning]

This 'building up steps' approach also has the advantage of being liable to reveal to you 'the edge' of what you can do, as @NewBeginning puts it, but, that said, oft times you don't actually find 'the edge' because with this gradual approach you're more liable not to do more than you can 'safely' manage without your liable-to-TMSing brain (in particularly the amygdala/limbic system) freaking out and putting the kibosh on things.

This is super helpful @BloodMoon - love the phrasing "building up steps" and the approach resonates with me in regard to finding a path forward that incorporates a balance that might work for me.

It does make sense as you and @Diana-M mentioned - finding the combination that works can be so individual.
And, I'm just so pleased to have everyone's insights and all this information to be able to explore (beyond my own experiences) all of the different combinations people have found helpful. Try them all out and see what unique combination evolves.
Thanks again for the insights!

 

[NewBeginning]

If only there were a way to make 'building up steps' more buoying/uplifting!

In thinking about this, for me, that way seems to be a gratitude practice, which is so helpful. Even though I realize others might find that silly, helps me in recognize all the the powerful "building up" aspects.

 

[BloodMoon]

In thinking about this, for me, that way seems to be a gratitude practice, which is so helpful. Even though I realize others might find that silly, helps me in recognize all the the powerful "building up" aspects.

Yes, I love it! I hadn't thought about it like that!

 

[BloodMoon]

I want to make a big display of standing up and setting a timer and increasing my standing every day, like an Olympian. And you guys both say, “Why don’t you just combine your standing with doing something to live, like make a sandwich!” this always makes me laugh and also helps me realize How much pressure I always put on myself. “ Oh, it’s that simple? Just live and that will include standing?” Lol duh! I honestly didn’t even think of it.

You will get better because you are open and willing to see what you are doing or not doing when it's pointed out to you and you have a great sense of humour about it! Life naturally has so many twists and turns and making it into an even bigger 'assault course' than it already is = misery... leastways, in my book, anyway.