Can we talk about anger?

Yes, let’s do. I’m allergic to anger. And I’m trying to fix that. I’m extremely uncomfortable feeling it.

Lately I’ve been exploring why. I wrote out some times when I could remember being angry. These were explosions that I had in front of family members involving someone repeatedly humiliating me or bullying me. Finally after a really long time of putting up with it, I exploded, and it felt terrible to me. I remember being afraid of it. I exploded because I held it in too long.

I don’t think of anger as justifiable ever. This isn’t fair to me at all! Writing out those times when I was angry made me remember the feeling that anger is a protection. You’re trying to make things fair.

I need to fix my issues with anger. And I need to even dump off old anger that should’ve been Experienced. It’s still trapped inside me.

I think maybe my TMS brain is afraid of anger. So, I could slowly teach it that anger is ok. Maybe I could even advance to telling someone I’m angry in the moment— and realizing I won’t explode. Nothing bad will happen.

Ironically , there is one person I can be angry with when I feel it and that’s my husband. Maybe because I feel safe with him? But lately, even with him, I’ve been telling him more intensely what I feel about things that make me angry than I ever have before.

Does anyone else have trouble with anger? Are you making any headway?

Check out this great post about expressing anger
.https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/blow-them-up-or-kill-them-with-carrots.27833/

A current thread I like that also speaks to repressed emotions. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/think-psychologicly.30109/

 

That's so funny that you say that, because my fiance is the one person I will explode on and get downright nasty sometimes. Otherwise I am meek mouse. There are so many times I want to blow on my mom but it's like oh no, that's my mom.

 

That is funny! My husband always says—to help me—“why don’t you just yell at that person like you yell at me? You’ll feel better.” lol But I cannot even allow myself to feel one minute of anger toward my kids. And it’s impossible to envision mock violence toward them. I know this is where a whole ton of rage has built up. Same with your Mom. What can we do?

 

I think maybe I have explored this before in a post, but too close of a link that anger = violence doesn't make sense to me.
While I understand that approach and thought works for others, we're all different, and it definitely doesn't for me. And, I have to keep reminding myself that anger doesn't have to be loud / violent / aggressive / destructive, it can be strong and productive. It makes sense there would be concern and block to expressing, if expressing/releasing it only means things not aligned with my own values. BUT, if I unlink the two, it occurs to me that many times I HAVE actually felt anger and it has energized me to make a change, to address a situation calmly, to work to resolve the problem, to see things from a different perspective, to just physically release through movement, etc. And, a friend was just telling me last night about a situation regarding justice that is rage-inducing, but she's even more committed to working diligently to resolve the issue systematically and structurally and we could discuss ways this might be possible.
I guess what I am saying is, does expressing/releasing anger really need to mean yelling at someone or breaking something, imagining violence, etc - is it possible that it could be expressed /has already been expressed in some other way that works for each of us (recognizing that other approaches are enormously beneficial for others)?

 

No, I agree, releasing anger does not need to mean actually yelling at people or breaking something. An imagining 'killing people with carrots' approach worked for me though when I was angry with someone about something and that anger simply would not go away. Personally, I just look at it as being a tool in my toolkit that I can decide to use or not. It's usually useful when my inner child wants to throw a tantrum and the good thing is that no physical injury occurs nor does anything get broken because it's in one's imagination... and after I've used that tool and released some mental 'energy', I can use other tools, e.g. assertiveness, to address a situation calmly and hopefully make for a good outcome.

 

Thanks for this discussion. This is a topic that really perplexes me. I understand what you’re saying, @NewBeginning, about how violence or even the thoughts of it, don’t match your values— so, how could that be of any use? I struggle with this a lot. But on the other hand, I can never get anger to ignite in my body. In my mind, yes. Body, no.

I have to say visualizing some violent acts (as an exercise, not with an intent to ever do violence!), I could feel my anger, and I did feel a release in my body. I actually liked the feeling. I think it’s been a long time coming.

I think of little kids when they’re really mad. It’s very physical. They scream and kick. I think when you’re angry, your body wants to move. Maybe once when I was a child I had that feeling, and it was suppressed. I learned that the only angry act I could do is withdraw my love. Going silent for me is the way I express my anger. (Wow, writing that just now made me realize that’s true!)

I’m not sure what the answer is, and I’m not sure I’ll ever find it, really. I do know that I have to get acquainted with anger, somehow —someway. I think a lot of people get a lot of anger out through exercise. It also seems that if you don’t have anger, you tend to be a victim. And I am tired of being a victim.

The past few days I’ve also visualized saying very pointed things to people, directly expressing my anger at what they’ve done, or at what they are doing. I think this would help too— in real time.

 

I believe that something else that can happen is because one cannot express one's anger other feelings/emotions mask or take over or substitute for feeling anger/rage... as they're more 'acceptable' to feel and express... e.g. sadness, hurt.

Maybe if/when you are feeling sad or hurt (or whatever) in connection with what your sons may have done or not done or said or not said, you could ask yourself, “If I weren’t allowed to be sad, what other feeling might be there?”. I understand that repeatedly doing this can help bring hidden or socially unacceptable feelings into consciousness, so they can be felt and processed in a healthy way, e.g. by broaching your sons' behaviour with them in an assertive way, that can also, of course, be "pointed" (but perhaps first practising this kind of thing in your imagination and visualising it to get familiar with it).

 

Great advice, @BloodMoon! I especially like this:

 

I have anger issues as well. Very short tempered, even abt unimportant stuff like traffic. Not physically violent but i am sure it is affecting my mental health. Just cant shake it.