Can anyone relate to this way of thinking?

I recently realized that I am afraid to throw myself fully into TMS healing and its belief system because if I do not become better after working the TMS program then really what is left for me to do? I have been tested by several neurologists, had various tests and extensive blood workdone and everything comes back normal. I guess by not involving myself 100% in TMS work I am saying I haven't tried that fully yet, so maybe it is a mind/body issue after all and not some awful disease (but I don't know for sure). I am horrified of it being some awful degenerative disorder. I really need this suffering to end

Any thoughts on this?

 

Yes, I can relate to it. Earlier in my life, when I was struggling with many, many health anxieties (all of which turned out to be unfounded), I felt the same way. Here are the thoughts I used to process and defuse these fears:

1. I fear having a fatal and/or incapacitating disorder (like you, I was terrified of it being an awful degenerative disorder).
2. However, nothing shows up on medical examination.
3. There is no way to be 100% certain that I'm not ill.
4. However, accidents or illness that cause death or incapacitation can happen at any time. In fact, it's 100% certain that I'll die someday.
5. If someday I get terribly, undeniably ill, I'll suffer.
5. Since, at the moment, no one can find anything wrong with me, why suffer and be miserable now? Nothing has happened yet.
6. I'll try to find ways to feel better and enjoy life. Someday I may not be so fortunate as to have the option.

There is no shame implied in this. Health worries are one way that people channel anxiety about other areas of their lives. I finally realized that, when I started having excessive health anxiety, it was a signal that I was stressed or pressured in another area and that I needed to think about THAT rather than about my health, as long as my health checked out. I have actually had a life-threatening illness once, and it wasn't accompanied by health anxiety--I was too sick for that!

Best wishes! Susan

 

Thanks sjcy. I guess my issue is more regardless of whether I am dying or not, I don't want to feel pain. I really just want to feel normal again and it seems doctors can't help one bit, so I have to figure this out myself. I really want TMS to be the answer because there seems to be no other answer.

 

Hi tgirl,
Susan makes an excellent post, in my opinion. Perhaps you can adapt it more specifically for you. Below is not the perfect fit for you, I am sure, but it is a start. What you're dealing with is uncertainty. Anxiety, pain, fear, uncertainty. Try to walk the line between cognitively examining reality, just the way it is, and cultivating a tender compassion for yourself in this moment of suffering. Your fear, in other words, is both understandable, and can be witnessed...

1. I fear having a fatal and/or incapacitating disorder.
I fear that I will be in pain always.
I fear that the SEP will not cure my pain.
If it does not cure the pain, then I am afraid I will be hopeless, and in pain. This outcome is scary.
2. However, nothing shows up on medical examination.
3. There is no way to be 100% certain that I'm not ill.
There is no way to know if the SEP will stop the pain.
4. However, accidents or illness that cause chronic pain can happen at any time. In fact, it's 100% certain that the body can feel pain.
5. If someday I get terribly, undeniably ill, I'll suffer. I may be in pain.
5. Since, at the moment, no one can find anything wrong with me, why suffer and be miserable now? Nothing has happened yet.
I am in pain.
6. I'll try to find ways to feel better and enjoy life.
I will find ways to have empathy for my fear, and my pain, and my fear of pain.
Life is not easy, and I am committed to being with my own suffering as best I can.
Life is precious. Pain exists.

Andy B

 

Andy, thanks for taking time to think about my post. I guess in the end I have to believe it is a mind body disorder for this line of healing to work. Right?

 

Interesting. I'm the same in one way in that whilst I've known about and fully understood the concept of TMS for years for whatever reason I also really struggle to fully throw myself into the program. I've often though on why this is as it is almost like a self sabotaging thing for me but personally I have never really considered it be a fear of failure but of course I could be wrong.

What I do think and I believe is alluded to in the other reply you have had is that really needing the suffering to end just totally feeds into the loop. So many people who I have spoken to who have either recovered totally or seen massively significant improvements in anxiety, pain disorders and mind-body ailments just seem to hit rock bottom and almost just give up on the searching to feel better and accept (obviously grudgingly) that this is how their life may well be from now on in. It is almost like the release of pressure in trying to get better can often lead to recovery/improvement in itself.

I have to agree with the sentiments of the other post in the thread as well. I have recently seen 2 HUGE examples of how life can turn on a sixpence and whilst we can spend months or years dedicating ourselves trying to reach a point where we feel cured this can all be made redundant in the blink of an eye. This isn't to say we should just blindly accept our lot but I do think recovery is maybe best started from a position of accepting that where we are in that moment in time just may be as good as it is going to get and live our life the best we can accordingly.

 

Huckleberry, unfortunately I think you may be right about total acceptance regardless of whether or not the outcome is going to change.. . Thanks for your response.

 

I know it sounds really shitty and hard but I do think that rebelling against what is just piles on so much tension and secondary pain which in itself has been scientifically proven to be just as if not more problematic than the original pain.

I think people often get confused by the idea of acceptance and equate it with giving up which I don't necessarily agree with. I know it is crucial with the theory of TMS that it is about pain eradication rather than pain management and whilst this is great I do the kit can be stumbling block. The behaviours and thinking patterns prescribed by the TMS protocol are obviously intrinsically incredibly healthy for us as humans but we apply them hoping to move away from a negative situation and there just has to be so much tension generated.

 

Great comment, Huckleberry.

About accepting TMS diagnosis:
I think that yes, acceptance is important, and at the same time, the belief that we have to accept and embrace TMS in order to heal can be seen as a process. We get better at it. You can accept your non-acceptance for a start, and not let the fear that you "aren't accepting of TMS diagnosis so this won't work" be witnessed and held lovingly. At its core that, is a fearful thought. Period.

As Huckleberry suggests, so many of our thought processes are black and white and survival thinking. This is especially true if we are suffering long term with physical stuff. So if you can identify and feel in your body the tension which familiar thinking patterns create, you can learn to observe the thinking and not get so "caught." No matter the subject matter. "Oh yeah, I know that feeling. It always comes up when I am thinking in _______ kind of way." Seeing it as a repeating pattern can help you unhook from the believability of the content.

 

Andy, I loved your response, thank you! It's such a loving approach to uncertainty. Years ago I heard a dharma talk by Pena Chodron called Living with Uncertainty.
The title alone gave me such solace. Oh, we are all living with this anxiety and it causes tension! Yes. And there is a way out of it by not dressing it up with our illnesses.
Me, I am afraid I am addicted to struggle. If there isn't any, I will find it. I've been this way since elementary school - have worked on it actively for 30 years.
I am better. Then not so much better ...but never as bad as before "enlightenment" in the Sarno sense of the word. I see my mind build the case for something is wrong with me. I see it and just acknowledge it with kindness and then I go and do my life.
Hope you will stay and grow with us, imperfect as we may be.
Bg

 

Thanks Andy and Huckleberry. I do understand what you are both trying to say, I really do, as much as my non accepting side would like to fight it. I guess I always go back to my old argument and that is I don't get sensations when I am thinking of anything in particular - they kind of have a mind of their own. I know when I will feel better, in general. When I am lying in bed reading at night and usually when I am exercising I feel normal or close to normal. Sometimes when it is warm out and nothing is touching my legs I feel pretty good. So when I feel awful during the day while I'm actually having a good time it kind of floors me.

Anyway, thanks for your input, it really is helpful. I read and reread these meaningful posts.