Bouncing easily between east and west...

[plum]

Evening all.

This is one of those times when one soul solicits simple warmth from others.
My mum was taken into hospital today. She's ok thus far, and pray God, all will be well once due tests are conducted and completed. In itself this is enough, but life being life, and humans being as wonderfully fragile, odd and glorious as we are, I find myself in that labyrinth we all face - aka - the family.

Tonight I see with a pristine clariry, how I have become the hub, the one who seeks and the one who is sought. I was the one who called the hospital ward for the low down, and the one to convey the news and encourage communications. I come from a family that is sane and healthy, and yet we have our history of papercuts. Naturally these details struggle in the hands of light and dark. One brother is fearful the truth is kept from him. The other is pure salt of the earth, but hurt is there somewhere. And Dad is fine and facing-forward and confiding small fears in smaller details.

Through all this I have to balance care for my boy who flags his concern that I am giving too much. On this point I disagree, although I completely understand how the dynamics of anothers family appear like so much weirdness to outsiders. I feel a gentle compulsion to make right and soothe set against the reality that all is well, and an acknowledgement that there is a fruitlessness in this urge to fix the unfixable. Life is. And we all have our unique perspective and experience. Without being morbid, I feel the brevity of life and I wish to make peace before any doors swing shut. I find it tragic that we wait to say I love, I forgive, I am sorry, I was wrong, it wasn't like that, let me tell you...until the very end.

This night I hold a rare chance in my hand. Tomorrow the world turns and I will roll with it.

Thoughts, gestures, and anyone with a penchant for dark humour, please share.

 

[Ellen]

Ahh, dear Plum,
Sorry to hear you are going through a challenging time. I wish I could muster up the level of wisdom mixed with beautiful prose and poetry that you always bring to this forum to support others, but, alas, I will have to make do with my awkward, clumsy, disjointed method of communication.

Maybe it's best for me to share my own experience when my mother became ill. We had a very strained, unhappy relationship throughout my life and I had found it increasingly difficult to spend any time with her at all. But it became clear that her health was failing and she wasn't able to independently care for herself anymore. So my sister and I took turns staying with her and trying to arrange for the supports she needed. I think the fact that I was reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle at the time immensely helped the situation. I was able to just be present with her during my caregiving stints and put the past behind. Someone I managed to pull up the ability to treat her with total unconditional regard. And this completely changed the dynamics of our relationship. All her previously annoying behavior disappeared, and I realized that it had been in response to the judgment she had felt coming from me, and from her own guilt and shame regarding her inadequacies as a mother. We had a delightful and enjoyable time together. She died a few months later, and the fact that we had "healed" our relationship was immensely comforting to me, and I'm sure to her as well. I have since learned that this combination of the "Power of Now" and treating others with unconditional regard is, well....love. And it heals everything.

You are in my thoughts, dear Plum

 

[Ellen]

Plum,
Usually dark humor is a specialty of mine. But somehow when given permission to use it, it disappears. For me it only rises up when I know it's totally inappropriate.

 

[plum]

Thank you so much Ellen. I completely understand the relish of dark humour, it needs mischief to have bite. And bless you so much for sharing your experience. It helps and is something I can continue to draw on. Really big, huge thank you for being there when I needed it, my dear one.

Mum was discharged this evening and is now home and full of stories. She has to have more tests next week but she is fine, all things considered. I am finally home after a day where I have aged in dog years. Shall feed and bathe and watch a movie.

 

[NolaGal]

I'm glad your mom is doing better. I wish I could offer any wise words on the subject of family, but I usually just try to run the gauntlet as best I can when I have to. Just don't forget to pop into the closet or bathroom occasionally for a calming breath ;-)

 

[Ellen]

Mum was discharged this evening and is now home and full of stories. She has to have more tests next week but she is fine, all things considered. I am finally home after a day where I have aged in dog years. Shall feed and bathe and watch a movie.

Plum,
So glad to hear that your Mum is home and doing fine. Now you can take care of yourself.

I have a book to recommend to you. I just have a sense that you will love it as much as I do. It is by one of my favorite writers, Cheryl Strayed (she is almost as good a writer as you). It is called Tiny Beautiful Things, and it is just that.....a tiny, beautiful book full of wisdom. In it she serves as an advice columnist by the name of Dear Sugar (from the website the Rumpus) and the wisdom contained in this book covers a very broad spectrum of relationship issues. I'm hoping it is available in the UK.

 

[plum]

Ellen,

Your warmth is a palpable comfort in this peace and quiet of the day after. Feel like I could sleep for England so surely a taking of myself back to bed lies ahead. Inevitably this sounds grim but the last two days have been a 'dry run' and I'm hoping it enables me to tap fears lightly and pop them in a place where I can deal with them more leisurely. The stark reality of death is enough to rouse sleeping dogs and take them for a gentle walk.

Not needing any excuse to indulge in the joys of a new author, I have ordered the book you recommend. Surely one of lifes simplest pleasures is discovering a writer and having all their words and worlds to explore. The finest feast to be sure.

Blessed Be sweet one.

NolaGal, *smiles* Indeed.
This is one reason I love my car so much. Driving around by the light of the moon is such a soother. In the getting through of any hospital experience we tend to sacrifice our feelings, (smooth-running insists we do not go into meltdown when confronted with terrors of the broken body), but tms assures me that there will be reverberations. So as I made my way hither and thither I let darkness and loneliness expell the beasts. And today I journal.