Day 9 Being Overly Critical

[Kickflip]

I think I have been overly critical of myself lately - but not just lately, for a long time.

The way I do this is by telling myself I'm not good enough at things (guitar, skateboarding, film-making) and telling myself I haven't spent enough time practicing these things or haven't organized my practicing like I should have or haven't had clear long term goals to meet and have often fallen behind on them at times when life has gotten difficult.

I'm wondering why I do this - I was talking to my girlfriend about this the other day and struggling with "How can you achieve things if you aren't hard on yourself?" Reading the link to Alan Gordon's "Recognize Destructive Behaviors" is making me see that there is another way and I want to do that other way. Because I think the "fearing that I'm not worthy of receiving love if I don't achieve great things" or "fearing that I will feel bad about myself if I don't accomplish my goals" and especially "boy am I ever going to show this person that I'm better than them or better than they thought I was" has been a big motivator for me.

The question to ponder today was very relevant as my journaling topic was about my parents putting pressure on me to do well at school. Oftentimes when I've thought about "Who is the drill sergeant in my head?" or "Where are these thoughts coming from?" the clear answer is my parents.

My parents were definitely a pendulum between "Wow you are so amazing and talented and look at this amazing thing you did!" or "You can do anything you set your mind to and we will help and support you!" and "You need to do better at this or else your life will end up being terrible." or "You completely fucked that up/are completely fucking this up." There wasn't really an in-between.

So there's another one and maybe the biggest way I self-criticize - "I am extremely talented at this, but I have no work ethic and I don't have the patience or persistence to do what is required to really excel at it or achieve something."

Which is exactly what my parents would tell me and right there is the pendulum.

Oh boy and another one which is this feeling that I have to be the ABSOLUTE BEST at anything and everything I do.

So I look forward to learning more about this and being able to motivate myself in a more positive way!

 

[Diana-M]

@Kickflip
I can so relate!!! I have had all these messages and I am relentlessly brutal on myself. Since joining the wiki, and learning about personality traits causing TMS I’ve tried to cut all the goals that constantly run through my head to about 1/4 or less. And still they are too big and pressured-filled. It’s a long road to undo this type of thinking. But we have to! And we will feel better. You are doing great! Try adding a bit of head talk that just plain praises you all day long. At first it feels weird. Then it feels amazing!

 

[Kickflip]

@Kickflip
I can so relate!!! I have had all these messages and I am relentlessly brutal on myself. Since joining the wiki, and learning about personality traits causing TMS I’ve tried to cut all the goals that constantly run through my head to about 1/4 or less. And still they are too big and pressured-filled. It’s a long road to undo this type of thinking. But we have to! And we will feel better. You are doing great! Try adding a bit of head talk that just plain praises you all day long. At first it feels weird. Then it feels amazing!

Yes! I read the page on affirmations and have been doing exactly that (positive head talk)! I really like it

 

[Diana-M]

Yes! I read the page on affirmations and have been doing exactly that (positive head talk)! I really like it

Cool! I didn’t know about this affirmation page. Thank you! I’ll try it.

 

[invincible]

Thanks for sharing! @Kickflip
I too realised through therapy a while ago before my TMS diagnosis that I was extremely self critical.
So happy for you that you have realised this! It seems so obvious once it's been pointed out or once you become aware of it and I found that knowledge to be extremely powerful for me. Same as you though, I do feel I still am very self critical but in very hidden ways like how you mentioned in your post. Gave me some more angles to think of my own self criticism habits, thank you!

So there's another one and maybe the biggest way I self-criticize - "I am extremely talented at this, but I have no work ethic and I don't have the patience or persistence to do what is required to really excel at it or achieve something."

Which is exactly what my parents would tell me and right there is the pendulum.

Oh boy and another one which is this feeling that I have to be the ABSOLUTE BEST at anything and everything I do.

Totally relate with you on this bit. I feel like I've always been told that i'm talented and have a lot of 'potential', but if only i took things a little more seriously or was more disciplined or didn't fool around as much, I would be so much greater and better off.

I guess my question is the same as yours as I come to the end of this reply.
How does one motivate themselves in a healthy way to achieve their goals? What is the way one should think when trying to achieve something large? Is it better to just think in small increments? Is dreaming too big a problem for TMSers?
I've read some things about, achieving goals and dreams in a safe and worthwhile way, but am not too sure about what it actually entails.

I am still extremely self driven and motivated but on most days my goals and dreams so far away and unattainable that I feel like I may never get there. It feels like I'm thinking too far ahead. But deep down within me is this belief that I can really do it. This belief that I am meant to do great things. I just don't know how to deal with this feeling. I feel like it's a form of narcissism where I feel like I'm more than this and can do more. So I feel bad at times that I have this feeling that maybe I am better than others now, or that I am somehow more aware of how the world works and what my brain is capable of.

Apologies that became quite lengthy.
Any insights or thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[Diana-M]

This belief that I am meant to do great things.

Wow! You have really hit on something here. A question I have struggled with since coming on the wiki. I KNOW the feeling you are talking about. And the irony is, I believe that people who actually do achieve great things felt that siren call and didn’t give up and yes, achieved something great.

But is something only “great” if a lot of people recognize it? Could there be some amazing musician who only plays on a street corner? A world class poet who writes on scraps of paper that he keeps in his desk?

I don’t know exactly where this “drive” to achieve greatness comes from, but for me it has been haunting and relentless. And I’ve never really worked consistently at achieving it. I always was distracted by my “real” life. But the nagging of it in the background of my mind has been this terrible pressure!

Since I came here I have started to think that maybe some dreams have been wrong. Too much. Maybe they can be changed. I am older now. I really like to write. Maybe I could just do it for my own entertainment.

Maybe this pressure to achieve “greatness” (is it a desire to be better than because I always feel less than?) is all about me needing validation and maybe I will grow and heal and not need that so much. Maybe it’s pathological. A form of narcissism. Ironically, both of my sisters at one point felt the same desire. This kind of makes me wonder (and not in a good way.)

But then again, I HAVE often received kudos for writing. What if I have a gift? What if this urge to share it is part of that gift?

All I know now is that I have begun to have greater peace. A LOT more peace by letting myself off the hook. I am just me. No grandiose goals. Just me living along. No pressure. That’s where I am now. Or I’m trying to be. I’m mostly there.

It’s so weird you verbalized this! Honestly. It’s what I have struggled with too.

Here’s a thread I wrote on this back in May, if you’re interested. More people commented. Same topic. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/inner-criticism-danger-to-your-brain.28213/ (Inner criticism = danger to your brain)

 

[Ellen]

Maybe this pressure to achieve “greatness” (is it a desire to be better than because I always feel less than?) is all about me needing validation and maybe I will grow and heal and not need that so much.

I suspect this is the case. It seems to me that the people who do achieve "greatness" do so because they have focused on the skill or activity and not the pursuit of accolades, fame or money. I'm sure there are exceptions to this. But I think passion and dedication is more at the heart of true success.

 

[invincible]

Maybe this pressure to achieve “greatness” (is it a desire to be better than because I always feel less than?) is all about me needing validation and maybe I will grow and heal and not need that so much.

For me, it's this. It's wanting that validation from the outside world.
But is it so bad to want to put yourself out there? To share who you are authentically to the world?
Can this desire to share your story with the world (through whatever medium that may be) be separated from this need from validation?

As you said, I hope and pray that I get to a place where that is not something I need but rather a by product of the process which does not matter as much to me.
But at your core is it really possible to not put any weight to that validation. It seems like a very fine line to me right now.
Maybe enjoying that validation can be done without really needing it.
And that's when you truly just do things for the joy of doing the thing and not for any other ulterior motive.
It seems difficult to separate the two but i do hope it's a possibility.

 

[Diana-M]

But at your core is it really possible to not put any weight to that validation. It seems like a very fine line to me right now.

A lot of the stories I’ve read about people in the arts, they almost always were looking for and craving sharing their talent and getting the fame. It kept them going through all the struggles to achieve it.

I mean, fame is just when a lot of people appreciate you sharing your authentic self. What if no talented people shared? So much joy would be lost from the world.

I used to always feel that I was being guided by destiny. If I felt it, it was “meant” to be. Now I question that —For MY life. Not for anybody else.

Gosh, not helping you much here. I guess all I can offer is my personal story that I was haunted and stressed by this unbearable goal almost all my life. Since coming here in the wiki, I feel free of it at last.

But only you can determine what is right for you. Wish I could help more!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Maybe it's just about the level of mindfulness that exists alongside the achieving or the achievement. Always knowing who you really are, with acknowledgement, acceptance, and self compassion.