Back from Spain

Hi everyone!

I got back from Spain (walking 115 km of the Camino de Santiago) on Tuesday night. The trip was wild and amazing and hard; my eye symptoms disappeared almost completely after the first two days. Dry eye and blurriness GONE. Occasionally they would perk up and I would ignore them and then they would go away. Or if it was blurry in the evening, I would just tell myself it was because I was tired and then I didn't care about it. But so much crystal-clear vision, so much less anxiety -- WOW.

The symptom imperative was strong. I got extremely swollen legs and ankles and calves. I walked the whole way anyway.

As it came time to go home the eye symptoms started rearing up again. They hit hard in the airport and on the plane. Now, home, my feet are getting much better but the blurriness is really bad again. It's so discouraging. My mind tells me it's because of my home and my life at home. But I know it's just TMS bullsh*t. The jet lag is also intense so it's tough. It's so hard to experience the blurriness again. I want it to go away or to not care about it but I can't control this. I know now that I can have clear vision and low/no anxiety but I don't know how to get back there.

Time to keep taking the next step, just like on the Camino, and trusting.

Thanks for all your encouragement about this trip.

 

My plan is to go on with my life (and therapy, etc.) while telling myself "it's just TMS bullsh*t" whenever anything crops up.

 

Wonderful! So great you had a good trip and walked all that way. I bet many people had swollen limbs from all that walking!

 

Amazing that you walked the Camino - that is freaking awesome! I know a couple of people who have done it and had swollen feet too - classic long distance walking thing!

@JanAtheCPA has some great wisdom in her reply. The TMS bullshit and whatever is happening in your life are one and the same -> what did you not have to deal with on the walk which you need to at home? That would be my line of inquiry of why the anxiety and symptoms have come back.

 

Amazing job on the walk. Woohoo!

Such great evidence that your symptoms can be banquished with determination. Add that to your evidence sheet.

Jet lag & swollen feet. Heck yes that would be most ppl who travel & walk that much, not just you. Don't be too hard on yourself & give yourself time to recover.

Everyone gets some post holiday blues. For us TMSers it maybe a return of symptoms due to post adrenaline rush plus some anxiety around our symptoms. Those & falling back into old habits & patterns of thinking.

Give yourself some time. Maybe do some walks to keep up the positivity & momentum you gained.

Ignore the symptoms like you did when you were on holiday.

Believe.

Talk to your brain.

Relax.

Breathe.

How was the food?

 

I mean, the food was amazing!

Yep, I had a good therapy session yesterday...it's clear to me that on the Camino I allowed myself to be myself, to make choices, and to take care of myself. I just "was." In my normal life I am always fearful of doing the wrong thing (not because of my current family, but because of childhood trauma). On the Camino, my purpose was clear. I was not paralyzed -- no "freeze" like I so often have at home. And of course I had to give up the constant testing/checking on my eyes on the Camino because there was not a damn thing I could do about it anyways. I had to take what came and not worry about it. At home I blame myself every time I have a symptom.

Been thinking a lot about that. My default is freeze --> safety. But it's not true.

Oh, also, I had a major exception in the hour before leaving for the trip. Everything became visually crystal clear and all my anxiety lifted. That prepped me to spend the next two days calling out "TMS bullshit" even as it raged. So I need to keep that up!

 

Jan, I had a big realization yesterday in therapy about this. My eldest is now the age I was when my mother died (13) and I am in my 40's, like she was. I think my brain is afraid I am going to die and is trying to convince me that I'm not healthy so that I will keep going to doctors. My mom did NOT go to doctors when she had symptoms and then the condition was never caught and she died suddenly. And I don't want what happened to me to happen to my chidlren.
I really think I'm afraid I'm going to die and leave the kids vulnerable and the TMS symptoms are there to keep me in that place until I find "the thing" that is wrong with me. But nothing's wrong -- heart, neurology, retinas, etc. have all been checked.
There is also rage about my mom dying, and rage AT my mom for dying.
I'm not going to effing die, I'm going to live.

 

Guys, my eyes were blurry all day today until I shouted at my son "I'm sorry I'm such a bad mother to you. I wanted to give you a happy and healthy childhood and I have failed!"

I realize I shouldn't have shouted this at a child and I did apologize to him. Although probably that apology was not enough to fix it.

But my eyes cleared immediately.

I guess this was the feeling/though that TMS was trying to distract me from today. Rage against my kids, rage against myself for not being the mother I had hoped I would be, rage at feeling incapable and purposeless.

Wow.

Now...how to be authentic about this stuff in a way that doesn't burden my children??

 

One way is to write it down. As Jan here says "Write $hit down."

Nobody has to see it. Heck, it can be scribbled to the point that even you can't read it. Getting the words on the page in a legible format isn't the point, it's that you're thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings.

 

Oh yes, you are quite right. Writing does help. But I also think I need to find ways to say things more often. Instead of, "Please quiet down, kids" I need to say, "Please quiet down, kids -- that's a really annoying noise and it's getting on my nerves." As in, allowing myself and my needs to be part of the public conversation rather than inadmissable.

 

Take it from me: If you don’t do it now, you’ll have TMS when they’re grown when they don’t respect you. You actually aren’t doing them any favors, even though you think you are, by discounting yourself “to protect them.” They need to feel what life is really like. There are no perfect mothers. Mothers have feelings too.

 

Such wisdom, Diana.

 

It’s my number one cause of my TMS. It has been a really hard pill to swallow. And it’s hard to change things after they’re raised. You can do better than I did!

 

I'm sorry, Diana. That's really hard. But you are so amazing -- you are going to kick TMS totally out. You are well on your way.

 

Ahhh the trials & tribulations of parenting. I’m a bit hesitant to write about this subject since I’m not a parent but I have had parents, in fact still have one- my mother & I’m my parents child.

Just some observations here.

There are no perfect sons or daughters just as there are no perfect mothers or fathers. Perfect parenting is unattainable ideal. Most parenting is imperfect. Accept that.

Parenting doesn’t really stop at a certain age but is lifelong. It evolves.

Parents can’t give their kids what they themselves don’t have. Worth journalling about.

Dialogue, communication & connection are paramount at any age.

@Baseball65 recently wrote a really insightful post about his feelings when his truck broke down & mentioned all the emotions he felt at having to accept help from his son. The replies to his post were also very insightful. So many of us do not want help from others but as we grow older, it seems more & more inevitable. What is interesting is that here in the East if a child steps forward to help a parent, it is viewed as a source of pride & joy not only by the parent but by the community at large. The West emphasises individualism & independence while here in the East we still emphasise family needs, respect for elders etc.

My own mother at 93 has 2 helpers plus myself & my sister looking after her needs. Even though she is financially independent we take care of her shopping, meals, drs appointments, take her out for family outings & lunches. We don't see it as a burden rather a responsibility. We have many friends who similarly attend to their own parents. When we get together with our friends, we ask about each others parents as a courtesy & even exchange gifts for them. As a result, my own niece & nephew who are half Indian, half French often call & ask me & my husband how we are & take opportunities to celebrate occasions with us.

In our Indian culture, a mother's sister is called Maasi which means 'like mother'

I'm Aunty Mala to all my Asian friends kids.

Just very different yet interesting perspectives.

 

This is a great question and I have been pondering it since your reply @mrefreddyg . Thanks. I think I was very accepting of myself and good at meeting my needs on the trip, but also very realistic about what I could and could not do. I struggle with both of these things in normal life. I also had no one to help me with my anxieties and TMS and so I sort of had to hand them over, let them go, rather than asking for help and reassurance. I was better able to say "Oh, well, it is what it is," which gave all of those symptoms a lot less power.

 

Thank you, @Mala ! Those are beautiful observations about parents and family.