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Anger

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Diana-M, Aug 21, 2025 at 2:42 PM.

  1. Diana-M

    Diana-M Beloved Grand Eagle

    Thoughts I’ve had recently about anger. Can anyone relate to any of these?

    #1–I’m pretty sure I avoid my feelings by playing games on my phone. (I wondered why sometimes I can’t stop myself from playing by the hour.) And the number one feeling I avoid is anger. (Now, I have to fix this.)

    #2–What really infuriates me is when someone “negates” me by disrespecting me. It’s like they’re saying I’m nothing. I don’t count. Like recently, when my narcissist sister ignored my boundaries, or my son (he might also be a narcissist, or definitely has a personality disorder) didn’t even acknowledge a birthday gift I gave him.

    #3– I never feel comfortable acting out my anger, even on paper, but I found a brand new way that actually works for me! You draw a stick figure of the person that’s making you angry; and then you draw one for yourself doing things to the other person. (Remember, this is your internal childlike self doing these things.) Then you make little bubbles like a comic book, saying what you would like to say to the person. I did it for my sister. (She’s one of my top reasons I get symptoms.)

    Little by little I’m getting better. I can’t allow myself to stuff anger anymore. It’s like drinking poison. I still feel guilty for my angry feelings, though. I feel guilty for expressing them— but at least I AM now expressing them. And I can feel angry, at all. Before, I couldn’t. I noticed that feeling my anger totally correlates to my symptoms NOT flaring.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2025 at 3:24 PM
  2. dlane2530

    dlane2530 Well known member

    Diana, have you watched Sam's video on coping mechanisms on the Mindful Gardener channel? I thought it was really helpful. Her technique for pausing and feeling the feeling you're seeking to avoid before using the coping mechanism has been helping me. (And you don't have to stop playing games in order to use this technique!)
     
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  3. Diana-M

    Diana-M Beloved Grand Eagle

    No! I’ll look for it. Whew! I really love my games. :D
     
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  4. BloodMoon

    BloodMoon Beloved Grand Eagle

    #1 Yep, I've played patience (solitaire) over and over like that. I found, in my case, it was to 'numb' myself and give myself a break from life's 'challenges'.
    #2 Yep, (not a son, but another relative) and I never gave them a gift again. I appreciate though that it's so much more difficult when it's your adult child, but no one's too busy to send at least a quick text message to say 'thanks for the gift and for thinking of me'.
    #3 Stick people - I like it and will use it - it'll make a change from 'killing with carrots'! :)
     
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  5. Diana-M

    Diana-M Beloved Grand Eagle

    That is what it actually feels like. Maybe I do it when I’m just overwhelmed. (And I’m always overwhelmed lol!)
    This has been going on for years. He didn’t used to be like this; I have no idea what’s going on with it. My husband said let’s not give him a present this year. I said no, I want to do it for me. And then instantly I regretted it so yes, I’ve taken note. You have to stop hitting your own self in the head—At some point. bangheada


    Stick figure comics for anger relief: Killing with carrots inspired this. But I couldn’t believe how satisfying it was! :eek::)
     
  6. Cactusflower

    Cactusflower Beloved Grand Eagle

    "Like recently, when my narcissist sister ignored my boundaries"

    This is one place you can absolutely work on and soften that feeling of people running all over you.

    1). Pull up the door mat to your front door. No longer needed. You will no longer tolerate feeling like a door mat. Notice that this doesn't mean people won't attempt to treat you like one. It means you are going to change how you perceive how people are treating you and choose where to place your emotional energy about this over time.

    2) boundaries are for you. They are not for the other person to follow. You can't control the other person, you can only control you. What did you do when your sister ignored your boundaries? You can choose to just not worry about it. That's OK - and just sit there with those feelings for a bit and then do #1 - just stop thinking about it. Let those old thoughts float on by. Or #2 you can take action. Remove yourself from a conversation, stop future conversations or contact, take control of the narrative and abruptly change the subject, offer a non-committal response that doesn't incite any more conversation from your end about said subject "something to think about" when pressed repeat "something to think about" and just keep repeating the same thing - until you can answer "I don't have anything more to say about that". If it's brought up again, at another date, repeat the same scenario. Notice that you never said "That is something for ME to think about" - so when the time comes to say NO it was never about you, personally :) I wrote a list of responses similar to this and memorized them. They come in handy and yes, it annoys the absolute crap out of people who are trying to get your goat or back you into a corner, but it preserves your truth and keeps your boundaries.
     
  7. Diana-M

    Diana-M Beloved Grand Eagle

    Yes! I’m already almost no contact with my sister. And very limited engagement with my son. This has definitely eliminated the doormat feeling. The boundary she broke is complicated, but it involves trying to visit me through my kids. I just shut it down. I felt calm. And then, later angry. I think even when you know what’s happening, and you don’t tolerate it, you have to go ahead and let the anger flow through you. But it’s much more short-lived when you understand what’s happening. When I first came on the forum, I didn’t even know what narcissism was! I just realized a core feeling that really triggers anger for me, and it’s when I am invisible to someone. It goes back to childhood. That’s why the trigger is so intense.

    “choose where to place your emotional energy about this over time.”
    I like this!
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2025 at 5:54 PM
  8. BloodMoon

    BloodMoon Beloved Grand Eagle

    Something that popped into my head is that if you can't bring yourself not to give him a gift, perhaps consider making it one where you send him a gift card that has to spent on a charity website where they sell a selection of brand new goods, clothing etc... That way if he doesn't redeem it, the money has gone to a good cause and if he does redeem it, at least some of the money will go to that cause (and I see that in the US such a donation would probably be tax deductible to you as the giver)... or you could even decide to make a charity donation where he doesn't actually receive a physical gift, instead he gets a birthday card telling him that you 'adopted' an endangered species of wild animal 'on his behalf' (i.e. you'd be making a one off payment towards its conservation) or perhaps the donation would go towards the upkeep of a child/children in need or towards a project that brings water to a village in a poor country or to a medical charity where they save people's sight or whatever.
     
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  9. Diana-M

    Diana-M Beloved Grand Eagle

    Love this idea! Thanks!
     

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