Almost 15 Years in and I Think I've Finally Taken a Real First Step

[mleach]

I've posted on and off in the past both when I first discovered TMS and during flare ups. My version of TMS started with "epdidymitis," then "prostatitis," and then "Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome." I have the usual story of bouncing around doctors, medications, PT, alternative medicine etc. I found out about TMS, did various TMS protocols, stopped seeing PTs and doctors and slowly improved to where I could live my life in what appeared like a normal way. I've had several flare ups over the years, most recently during COVID lockdowns and now I've been back in one for a few weeks. For the past 13+ years my symptoms have been painful muscle tension in my thighs, low back, inner thighs, and pelvic area. I managed it with exercise and for much of the time a nightly bourbon.

While I always said I believed in TMS, I always also told myself that I had developed bad movement habits due to my pain. I monitored my movements all day long searching for tension, trying to engage my core, engage my glutes, etc. I think I knew deep down this was not truly committing to treating TMS but I was afraid if I let go of the control the pain would come back worse. So for over 15 years I've been mildly to very uncomfortable and hypervigilant about my body tension and position unless I had had a few drinks. I've been convinced for years and years there's just one posture cue or movement habit or clenching habit that I had to figure out in order to fully recover.

My most recent flare up has come in the midst of doing Dry January. I don't think it's a coincidence that I've had none of my usual means of escape. I've read some posts from @miffybunny lately that helped really clarify my lack of true commitment to treating TMS. I said I believed in it but I really still wasn't committed.

Yesterday at a time of peak anxiety and searching for physical answers through some other movement reeducation system it became clear to me that I wasn't truly believing in TMS. In order to really heal I have to give up and accept. I have to believe that my body is sound and healthy and will move correctly and will release the tension when I give up the struggle in my mind. Honestly it's barely been 24 hours since this realization, and my pain has definitely intensified, yet I somehow feel more convinced that ever that I'm finally on the right path. There's no believing in TMS while also believing you have bad movement habits or bad posture that came from prior TMS bouts. So I've given up the obsessive adjustments, searching, scanning, and flat out being mean to myself. My discomfort level kind of sucks right now but I'm convinced the way out of this is through it. I guess I just wanted to share and hopefully get some reassurance that I'm finally fully on the right path.

 

[Diana-M]

convinced the way out of this is through it. I guess I just wanted to share and hopefully get some reassurance that I'm finally fully on the right path.

@mleach
You’re so right. The only way out is through. And people avoid going through because it’s a LOT of work! But what choice do you have? You’ve already tried the alternative.

You are 100% on the right path. Your conviction will grow over time. You don’t have to be totally sold to get started. Here’s a good post on accepting. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/difficulty-accepting-the-diagnosis.15093/ (Difficulty accepting the diagnosis)

Next, you need to figure out your personal route to take. There are so many avenues. Just get started and see where it takes you. Why not consider doing the Structured Educational Program here on the wiki?

 

[mleach]

I appreciate the vote of confidence. I've done Dr. Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain program twice as well as other programs. In the past I've certainly tried way too hard to heal. I think my path is returning to normal life while no longer trying to control my pain or trying to heal. I can get lost on the forums killing time and avoiding life and part of me fears that happening again if I'm around too much. I honestly broke down crying this morning thinking "holy shit I'm free." My discomfort level is worse than it's been in ages yet I feel that this is still the correct path.

 

[clarinetpath]

It's no coincidence that you feel better subjectively with the alcohol. Alcohol dampens the emotions and emotional memories. Both the feelings (the conscious part of the emotions) and the rest of the (unconscious parts of) emotions - they are shut down temporarily but there is a price to pay later when they come roaring back.

Dr. Sarno called it Healing Back Pain but it's really an encyclopedia of living. This is from page 51, Mind and Body: An academic urologist of my acquaintance of mine has said that over 90% of his cases of prostatitis are due to tension.

Long before I knew of Sarno and TMS, during a particular stressful time, I had an episode of prostatitis with groin/inguinal pain treated with 2 weeks of antibiotics. It went away nicely due to the placebo response. Even in a narrow conventional interpretation, pain in the groin region/inguinal pain/epididymal pain is known to be referred pain from the prostate gland. So you're likely describing manifestations of the same symptom, any way you look at it.

I've seen thousands of prostate gland specimens and some were occasionally done for "prostatitis," which literally means inflammation of the prostate gland. Despite the name it's uncommon for there to be actual significant inflammation (a few percent maybe). Even then, I can recall only one or two individual cases where I actually saw bacteria. The rest were just various kinds of nonspecific inflammation. Inflammation itself can be produced by the brain for no "physical" reason at all, or as an exaggerated response to some kind of immune stimulus; infectious, allergic, toxic, etc. That's all my general opinion as a retired pathologist who learned about TMS.

If you need more convincing, you could see a TMS physician. Dr. Paul Gwozdz is a great one.