Advice on a struggling relationship

[AaronAI]

Hey everyone,

It's been a while since I've been on the boards, but I'm back now and looking to kick TMS once and for all! At the beginning of the year, I was dealing with various pain, such as back/neck pain, epididymitis, migraines, fatigue, anxiety, depression to name the most frequent and troubling. I was able to quickly rid myself of back/neck pain, epidiymitis, but soon after, the other symptoms went through the roof. I went through Dr. Schubiners program, but couldn't seem to get rid of the fatigue, anxiety, depression, and migraines. This frustrated me greatly, so I ended up getting some more labs done. I'm glad I did, as they found that I was severely deficient in amino acids, and that I had a bacterial overgrowth in my intestines. Whether or not this was caused by TMS affecting my immune system, whether it was just TMS altogether, or whether it wasn't TMS, I was put on some supplements that helped get me back on my feet. However, it didn't clear up all that ails me, that's for sure.

Throughout the course of my hiatus from TMS research, and the online program, I still have been reprogramming my mind to be less hard on myself, live in the present, etc., which has helped tremendously. My migraines are way less frequent. I used to have them every day, basically all day, and now I'm only having them a few times a week at most. And they're definitely not as severe when I do have them. This has boosted my confidence greatly. Getting rid of this pressure has also reduced my anxiety greatly. I'm still working through the depression, but it's mainly geared towards what I've gone through. Again though, I'm not beating myself up for what's happened, so it's allowed me to still enjoy my current life for the most part.

Now that I have some more confidence and energy, I'm starting to slowly get back into dealing with the TMS that still remains. I actually gave up on it for a while, because I didn't get the results I wanted. I'm actually kind of glad I did though, because I was getting way to consumed by it, researching way too much, getting frustrated, which obviously increased my anxiety over everything. The time away allowed me to learn how to live more in the present. The main reason why I got back into researching TMS these last few weeks was because after my migraines subsided, I had a week or so of epididymitis pain come back! That was a clear example that TMS is still affecting me. Just wanted to give everyone a quick update to where I've been.

The thing that's affecting me the most recently is the fatigue. I'm tired all the time, but I'm not letting it control my life. I'm still working, socializing, and exercising. The one thing I need to focus more on though is working through some emotional stressors of my past, and what's going on currently. This leads me to a question I have for you all. I have a horrible relationship with my mother currently, and without going into detail (it would take me an hour to write everything going on) she's the type of person that chooses to avoid fixing things. She instead just avoids issues, she's in denial, and acts like everything is okay between us. This is honestly the most emotionally stressful situation in my life currently. My dad recently passed away, and I have no relationship with my mother. I feel like I have no parents. I want to rekindle my relationship with my mom, but I just don't see her changing her ways at all. I'm planning on writing a letter to her that I won't send, to get all my thoughts/anger/etc., down on paper. Then I plan to send her a letter that is compassionate towards her, but still explains what I'm feeling. I guess what I'm wondering is if I can't get her to change, is expressing my feelings a good enough approach in dealing with the emotional stressors? Does anyone have any suggestions for getting to a state of contentment with a loved one that won't change? Deep down I want to forgive her for all that she put me through, the hardest part is that she doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong. Although, again, she's just convinced herself of this, due to her ability to live her life in a state of denial.

Thanks for reading my extremely long post. It feels good to open up to people that have similar personality traits, and emotional stressors.

Aaron

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Long, but excellent post, Aaron - and welcome back.

Couple of things for you that come to my mind.

First - you might want to check out Dr. Gabor Mate, MD (When The Body Says No) for a really fascinating, somewhat technical, but beautifully and compassionately written, study of emotional stress and our physiology, including our immune systems. I find his work to be inspiring, in that it inspires me to treat my immune system better by acknowledging and releasing my emotional stresses.

Second - in dealing with your mother, the first thing to accept is that everyone is different, so it's hard to say what will work for you. In the end, you must do what feels right for you, as long as you're honest about your choices.

I feel like I can perhaps relate to your question, however. I never confronted my emotionally introverted, but otherwise extremely charming mother with her emotional shortcomings, in spite of advice that I "should" do so. And I'm also not sure I actually forgave her as such. What I did do was accept that she couldn't help being that way, because it's how she was raised. I gave myself a big pat on the back for being different (in spite of her snotty attitude about how "your generation all talk too much about yourselves") and I consciously went about choosing to be with other people who wanted to be open and intimate with their feelings, since I was never going to have that kind of communication with her. I can still remember the instant that I acknowledged to myself that I was really sad about this, but then realized that I could move on and find that relationship somewhere else. I was still under age 30 at the time, and it was one of the positive turning points in my life - it was really a relief to let go of that unattainable desire. Fortunately, she was not a toxic person, so we continued to have a good relationship for the next 30+ years - but it was not an intimate one.

Unsent letters are a wonderful thing and they work wonders (I wrote several to my mother in the last three years since I discovered Dr. Sarno and the SEP, and even a couple to my long-dead and greatly-missed father). Sent letters are totally discretionary, in my opinion. You don't even need to be compassionate towards her if that's not how you really feel. If you do send her a real letter, just follow the tried-and-true advice to stick exclusively to "I" statements, and you will feel fine about whatever you write.

It sounds like you're already doing great work - anxiety and depression are, I believe, the hardest TMS symptoms to overcome, but recognizing them as TMS really is a huge part of the battle. Or journey, to be more positive

Hang in there, and keep us posted.

~Jan