Adventures in health anxiety

I think the most challenging and earliest TMS symptom for me has been anxiety. I've had fear of doctors and procedures since a very young age. I've been doing great with all of my original physical symptoms (they're gone and I no longer fear them if I feel a tingle) except recent ankle pain which I waited out because it kept flaring when I was anxious, sitting with my knees crossed, all the typical symptoms that point to TMS (like going completely going away yesterday after a month or so of amping up the emotional work and being consistent ) but it almost got me!

Alas, without getting off topic here, I recently visited my doctor for a routine wellness exam. Everything looked good; my doctor was happy. Unfortunately I decided to open Pandora's Box at the end when he asked me if i had any other questions before we ended the visit. Of course, for reasons like stumbling upon articles in the last year or so of younger people being diagnosed with colorectal cancer, I blurted out my question (or really, more of a statement) "I'm worried about having colorectal cancer". He didn't soothe my fears, only fueled them by mentioning how he has patients in 30s with it. My gut dropped of course and he said he can refer me if I really wanted to get a colonoscopy. He mentioned a few symptoms which I don't have any of them -- and declined the referral. However, after everything stewing in my brain for a couple days I called the office and asked if I can be referred to a gastroenterologist because I could not rest. Of course, after scheduling the appointment I began having stomach symptoms (hello, TMS!). Logically I knew all of this anxiety was just TMS. I journaled and continued with my emotional work and realized I was angry with my doctor for scaring me even if he didn't mean it!

I ended up seeing the gastroenterologist today. All morning I was angry with myself for doing all of this to myself (aka opening Pandora's Box)! For letting this stuff get to me! I really didn't want to go. But I did. The PA was very understanding of my anxiety and understood where I was coming from. She asked me basic questions about any symptoms (which I don't have or any family history) it's just my fearful brain being funny right now. I asked her plainly and directly based on everything I told her if I needed a colonoscopy -- and she said in her opinion, no. But I had the option if I really wanted to. I left the office relieved. I'll journal about it tonight and do more emotional work and continue soothing myself because that's when I think most logically.

Anyway, I wanted to vent, be vulnerable for a second. I consider TMS a lifelong thing to manage, and that's okay. It's not a cut and dry thing. It will resurface every now and then, but it's a good reminder, and a kick in the butt to really focus on the emotional work, change approach, and get back to soothing.

 

You are so good at catching your symptoms and working with yourself. It’s really amazing to watch. I think health anxiety is difficult because you always feel like you have control somehow but ultimately none of us has control in the big picture—and I think you came to that conclusion. All we can do is make calculated guesses about what would be the best approach. Thanks for sharing your story. You’re doing great!

 

It sure does! Thanks Jan!

 

Exactly! You hit it right on the head — really none of us have control. Thank you Diana and you’re doing great too! So wonderful to watch your progress especially this past month.