A surging relapse...

Hi, everyone,

So. Here I am again. My name is Steve and I'm 26. It's been probably over a year now since I've posted anything to the wiki. The reason? I thought I was done with TMS. I thought that this part of my life had passed, and my chronic pain experience was going to be an ever-increasingly blurry memory in my rearview. I am now humbled.

Without going into too much detail, over the past couple of months things have begun to spiral yet again. I'm experiencing a tremendous amount of burning soreness in my arms and hands, essentially 24 hours a day, in addition to niggling leg pain which I've come up against in the past as well. Working as a server in a restaurant makes this pain doubly challenging. My response? Googling symptoms, self-diagnosing, etc. And because of this, my health anxiety is at the highest level that it's been in well over a year. I've scheduled an appointment with my physician on Monday, and am seeing my psychologist today (not a TMS therapist, however) just to discuss what's been going on.

A year ago I remember walking to the bookstore where I worked and thinking "Hey, you haven't thought about/focused on/obsessed over your pain in a while, man." The thought was almost euphoric--I had overcome TMS by simply not allowing it to occupy my mental neighborhood with trash and catastrophic thinking. Granted, at that time I was also taking anti-depressants and seeing both a psychologist and psychiatrist (I had been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts just months before, so this was a necessity), and I cannot discount the importance (even if they were placebos) of those interventions.

My fear of course is that this time around it is not TMS. I am not looking for validation of a diagnosis or anything like that, just taking an opportunity to vent my sadness and frustration that this is happening again. I am absolutely a classic TMS case: INFP personality type, anxiety-ridden, perfectionistic. I have experienced a multitude of pain and non-pain symptoms throughout my entire life including 1+year of stomach pain that eventually went away, OCD, anxiety, depression, eczema (that has also come and gone, right now i have absolutely no sign of it). The only thing I've ever really been "diagnosed" with by a conventional practitioner was tendonitis in the arms and legs. I've seen neurologists, orthopedists, acupuncturists, gastroenterologists, a TMS therapist (Alex Bloom) and have undergone a number of blood/lab tests in the past to rule out more systemic issues. But my mind seems to have abandoned all of that evidence in the face of an irrational wave that feels as powerful as ever. And what if I need to see more specialists?

I am writing this in my parents' house. My mom is off to work and my dad is in the garden. They are as supportive as they can be and I am so grateful to have them. But I also feel like a burden and a failure. I am hoping to just be able to get through this weekend at work, to not consult Dr. Google, and hopefully not focus on the pain too much.

I could use some kindness in my life right now, because God knows I'm not providing it for myself.

Humbly,
Steve

 

Steve,

I'll save the more thoughtful post for later because right now I reckon you need a cuddle and as you say, some kindness. Be gentle with yourself sweetheart. Treat life and your woes lightly and remember the people here really do understand and are here for you.

Oftentimes I wish it were possible to pop the kettle on, make tea and settle down with someone here who needs to talk, weep, rant or simply be held. The helplessness at not being able to do those things saddens me but we do have the power of words and the intimacy of sharing. Chin up my dear. There will be better days and glorious ones.

With love and a big virtual hug,

Plum xxx

 

Plum,

You brought tears to my eyes. You have a beautiful, compassionate spirit that I have seen at work throughout these forums. Thank you for your kind words. While the hug is virtual, I feel warmed by it (and it's not just my hot laptop battery).

Would you be willing to have a conversation outside of this thread? Let me know.

Steve

 

Of course. Send me a pm my dear x