tarala

I first had an injury from a horseback riding accident 20 years ago, but to be honest, the injury really wasn't all that bad. It didn't get nasty until I began doing a lot of emotional work on not blaming or focusing on other people as 'the problem.'

I think this is why I didn't think it was TMS, because I've worked through heaps of anger, resentment and blame. I guess I have been thinking I'm pretty healthy emotionally. Plus, I'm a psychologist and would hope I'm not all that screwed up, to be working at helping other people with their issues. My relationships with family and friends are great, I love my work, I live in a beautiful place, don't have money worries, no problem right?

However it is pretty hard not to notice that I am a classic TMS case:

I have had endless treatments for sciatic pain from everyone, chiropractors, physiotherapists, massage, acupuncture, Bowen, shiatsu, exercise physiologists, some weird things no one has probably ever heard of, the list is miles long, and to no avail. I have heard a lot of theories, but some have also said, there's nothing there.

I am much much better on holiday. The pain moves around, it's better only with massage, I am a perfectionist and over-doer, I have allergies.

The funniest one is where I did a back pain program at a hospital. My main symptom is sciatica, with problems walking but not sitting. But all of the other participants had lower back pain and trouble sitting. Within two weeks I had trouble sitting but not walking, and the sciatica was gone and I had lower back pain instead. The physiotherapists there all said, great, it's centralizing. What a crock.

Recently when the sciatica really improved, I immediately got shoulder problems. Then the sciatica came back, and having both was the last straw. But maybe it was a blessing because now I am here.

So here is what I think now:

My focusing on other people's problems was my way of not focusing on my own. When I learned to stop doing that (much to the great benefit of everyone else), I just found a new 'problem' to focus one, ie my poor body. Now it is the source of all of my unhappiness. Also, being a perfectionist I have tackled the problem of fixing my back with great energy and focus, resulting in obsessing about the pain. No wonder it doesn't go away when I am looking at it all the time.

Now, about 10 months later I am doing yoga, walking or jogging every day. So thank you all very much for this program and all your support!