Safiya

I really dont know where to start as i'm feeling i can write a book regarding my life.


So i am 35 years old and i grew up with a father (although very loving) sometimes absent and hooked on cocaïne and a mentally absent mother and a sister with a lot of problems of her own that we were drowned is as well. There were fights almost everyday at home and i always was the one to stay in my room/remain quiet and be a good example for my mom and dad as my sister never was. When i was 15 my parents split altoghether and they both married again (my mom divorced a 2nd time). I stayed with my mom but she was lost herself and so i asked my dad to come and live with him and his wife. He said i could. My dad was my hero and very loving towards myself and my sister but even when i lived with him i always locked myself in my room because his wife never wanted me there. I finished university and always obeyed the rules- again because i wanted to be a good example and the one that would generational trauma. (Also i have to mention my mom is Dutch and my dad Turkish which brought it's own cultural and religous dillema's between them). I graduated- met someone who i wanted to marry but then my dad passed away of lung cancer within a year (i was 23 almost 24 and just got my own space). I felt broken and lost my "best friend" who was already absent a lot of the time during my childhood.

Fast forward to now and in the meantime i was in an abusive relationship, have had "small fiber neuropathy" since my first pregnancy 7 yrs ago with full body neuropathy and twitches. After that everyhing went downhill bcause of the panic, pain, brain fog, anxiety and medication. Had 2 fast speed car accidents (miracously) (without injury), had to stop working as a bank/insurance employee due to the pain (university alumni), was in a physically abusive relationship, had a traumatic pregnancy (small fiber neuropathy started) and a huge trauma giving birth with physical trauma, ive had a few operations since then including a suspicous tumor cancer like -turned out to be the "good version". Also was locked up in a psychic ward for 1.5 months after a suicide attempt 3 years ago. Had some trauma from there as well. I know i sound like a lunatic to everyone who reads this story/"book" but i have become just fed up and in extreme panic after this TMS trauma. I am working with a psychiatrist right now and signed up for program with a TMS coach here in the Netherlands - Updated september 8/2024.