runningupthathil

Ive always kind of been the person in the friend group who always has some sort of ailment or illness going on. And I always need to talk about it and I obsess about it until I feel too embarrassed to keep talking about it. Friends have often pointed out that it might be because of anxiety, stress, grief and I’ve always felt it to be true, but I never felt very empowered by that info until I read “the way out”.

So flashback almost 6 years ago. My dad found out he was dying. He had prostate cancer for most of my childhood, but it finally reached its last stage. My mom died when I was 18 of breast cancer, and I always felt tremendous guilt that I wasnt a capable enough adult at the time to really spend time with her and be involved in her care (we also had a tricky relationship). I was determined for this time to be different. I was 27 and decided I would finally get my drivers license, drive across the country with my dog, and help with his end of life car. That year I developed wicked insomnia and was incredibly stressed about being able to get my license in time. I was SO anxious and probably didnt understand it as such. I didnt think grief was playing into at all either. I thought it was some chemical imbalance in my body that was keeping me from sleeping.

I eventually addressed the insomnia with CBD and some vague CBT (aka just generally understanding that the more you stress about sleep, the less likely it will come)

I got my license and I was so relieved. Then suddenly I developed excruciating SI joint pain. That lasted on and off for a couple of months before I was set to drive out west. I told myself it was from overexercising so I gave up on exercising out of fear, and it did actually go away.

I had gotten a sublet where my dad lived, but because covid had just struck, he and his elderly roommate thought it would be best for him to move in with me for the duration of my sublet (5 months). I wasnt exactly prepared for this but I thought it was a good idea and agreed. Then one day, out of no where, I got my first ever aura. I had no idea what it was and quickly got on google. learning it was a precursor to a migraine, something I had never had before, I just waited to see what would happen. I got a horrible headache and was out for a whole day.

In the next few days, I became obsessed with scanning for aura. I was so afraid of it happening again. I didnt leave the house without advil. Then suddenly, my eyes changed. My floaters were incredibly visible, and the bright sky was full of all of these swirling lights. On bad days, my vision was grainy and off. I found out it was likely something called “visual snow”.

I was a wreck. I was so anxious and could only leave the house in a baseball cap and sunglasses. I hated being outside. I refused to attribute any of it to stress cause I didnt “feel” stressed at the time. I decided it was a problem with my neck. And every migraine I’d get after that I’d attribute to neck dysfunction.

My eyes eventually did improve, but they never went back to how they were before the initial migraine. I would get 1 migraine with aura every one-two years after that and the pain after was never too bad.

However recently, they've come back in a peculiar manner. I got married last summer, then immediately started trade school, during which my husband and I bought a house which needed crazy renovations…and we decided to do them ourselves.

I was incredibly anxious. I started getting visual disturbances, grainy vision, weird dark spots in my vision when I’d wake up. Then I got two migraines with aura in three months. This was unusual, and because I was so anxious, I just totally spiralled. I would wake up every morning during summer vacation at 7am completely wired and ready to start the day. I could never relax and I was incredibly on edge.

I decided I’d go to BC to visit my godmother because maybe that would be a proper vacation. She lived with my dad so i associate that home with him and it would be my first time going back to visit since he died. Needless to say it felt incredibly weird. She was talking to me in the kitchen one day, and in my anxious state, I became very irate because I was overwhelmed and didnt feel like being talked to, and suddenly I developed pain about my right eye. It felt like migraine pain only it wasnt as intense and there was no aura. For the duration of my trip it would keep happening. I then started having vestibular migraines which I had never had before. I was dizzy, my head hurt, I was so stressed out and I just wanted to go home. I attributed all of this to just feeling bereaved and figured I’d feel better when I was home.

Well unfortunately the random headaches would be a near daily occurance for 4 months. I was ready to throw in the towel and try meds until i learned about neuroplastic pain. I read and Nicole Sachs’ book after having read the way out. I started doing journal speak and somatic tracking when I’d have pain. And it was working! I felt really good for two weeks. Slight pain here and there but it was never a huge stressor. And that felt like a huge win.

So now fastforward to me making this account. I got a pretty bad headcold this week, and got two migraines with auras in 3 days. The pain on the second one was pretty bad so I feel like im backsliding and stressing a little bit, so ive come to this amazing community for support.