Coffeeplease

I was raised with what I would call a pretty traumatic childhood. My parents were both alcoholics, and when drunk my dad would physically abuse myself, my sister, and my mom. He ruled us all by fear, keeping a homemade paddle - a 2x4 with a handle carved on it by his chair. Usually the abuse would occur after heavy drinking, and the "fun drunk" turned into someone mean, cruel, and abusive. My mother, also suffering from dad's abuse, never comforted me after I had been beaten, never engaged with me, no affection from either parent that I can recall. The first time I remember my mom and dad telling me they loved me I was in my 20's, after I had moved out of the house. I remember not even knowing how to respond or feel. I spent my youth fantasizing about the perfect family, swearing I would never be in an abusive relationship. Losing myself in fantasies where I was loved, adored, and felt safe.

Over the course of my life I've learned that my 3 failed marriages and many relationships have been the result of me trying to be perfect, to mold myself into the person my partner wanted me to be so I could feel loved and accepted, always attending to everyone's needs by my own. I have always felt that there was something inherently wrong with me. One thing I have learned so far is that I've been looking to the wrong people for love, happiness and acceptance. I need to do all those things for myself...this is Day One.