Who I hide my feeling from.

Ok, so one of the questions Dr. Shubiner asks is, "Who do you hide your feelings from". My husband--but only on one thing. For the most part I talk to my husband about everything, but the one thing I hide from him is my anxiety about our finances. He is self-employed so our money is always feast or famine. When we are in famine I get really anxious. I don't tell him because I know that it makes him feel bad that he doesn't make more money. Even though I've told him over and over that I don't blame him or think he's not working hard enough. He works hard, very hard and our famine times are just the ebb and flow of being in business. I guess I don't tell him because this is my problem with my anxiety, not something he can really do anything about because he's already working as hard as he can.

 

I understand how you feel - my husband always feels responsible about finances even though we are both self employed. If you do not talk to him about it you are protecting him from the stress of feeling that hes 'not doing good enough'.... but you are taking on the anxiety about it alone... So you need to address that anxiety - where does it come from? when did you first feel anxious about money - or having 'enough'? Often this goes back to childhood .... as most things do! Perhaps you could address your issue with the anxiety and then not need to tell your husband. Get to a place where you feel that you will both be ok whatever happens... we mostly worry about the stuff that if something really major happened - earthquake, war, etc - would go by the wayside. The really important stuff is - are we healthy, are we happy, have we got enough food today....
Bu the flipside is that your husband will feel responsible and be stressed about the subject anyway - by talking to him you may be doing him a service - he has not got to shoulder it alone.... he might feel bad as a provider but will he feel more supported as a partner?
Only you and he can sort this out... it is a thorny problem. Both of you deserve to be happy, and both without undue stress - or at least stress about stuff you can control....

My husband and I do talk about it - he still feels like the provider and main responsible person....(equality has not got us far!) so still feels somewhat stressed when finances are stretched... But he also knows that when push comes to shove - i would walk away from my home, my family and my life -with him - because HE - not the life we have - is the important one..
It helps that we enjoy cycle touring - when you pedal around a country on a bicycle with everything you need in 4 panniers - your shelter, your food, stove, clothing...you realise that you have everything you need - all you left at home - is extra!

 

I know my anxiety harks back to when we were early married and as the old saying goes, "didn't have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out." Of course we are much better off financially than we were then, but with more "things" comes more responsibility and more to loose. My husband knows that I wouldn't walk away. We have been married 27 years and I can't imagine my life without him and he feels the same. I tease him that I would never leave him for another man because I don't want to train another one. Our faith in God and in each other has gotten us through many tough times, but sometimes it's hard to remember that having each other is what's important. So thank you for that reminder.