Hello everyone: This is my first post and can therefore be considered to be a mishmash constructed out of an introduction, a testimony and a current issue. It being a mishmash, I'll be adding headers. Introduction and my journey It has been quite a while since I read The Mindbody Prescription for the first time. After that I also read The Divided Mind. Both written by Dr. Sarno. I was extatic! I was able to do everything I loved again. I managed to beat off RSI, tennis elbow, golf elbow, climb out of a near OCD psychosis [I didn't even dare eat, let alone get out of the house], start lifting weights again and still complete my pre-university education. I discovered so much about myself. My perfectionism, fear of conflict, goodism, me having hobbies that I didn't like at all, but I forced myself to do etc. I also bought and read the book Anxious to Please, and started to understand how all these messed-up family mechanics played a role in me ending up this way. All of this I did on my own, in general that is. I of course couldn't have managed without those books, nor was I the one who got me through the initial part of the near psychosis. I'm just talking about the progress in general. However, as I have found, you can only go so far on your own. The people from the psychiatric treadmill wanted me to stay on meds. I refused. I'm now completely med-free, and OCD isn't hurting me anymore. They thought it'd be parralel to psychological suicide. However, they were only treating symptoms. Not the original source. I wanted to get psychotherapy, but they didn't have any practitioners around. The only lad who did once do some psychotherapy, had retired. My current situation and the pain itself Life was going great, until I got a new kind of pain. Mind you, all the other pain was gone, and the OCD was near a bare minimum. So I was suspecting it to just be a TMS replacement. Started lifting weights. And initially didn't focus that much on form. No pain up intill the 4KG range. My lower triceps started hurting [right above the elbow]. Went to the physiotherapist who knew about TMS [Do not know whether she embraced it though]. She told me to change my form based on the pain I had, and that this wasn't a case of TMS. Changed form, and the pain went away. However, started focussing an awful lot on form after that. The pain itself and anomalies: Went heavier in weights, and the pain reoccured. I'm now talking about my current situation. The pain is a real strange one too. Rested for 2,5days (enough for general injuries), pain was still there. trained for a full week or two, and rested again. Five days in now. Pain is still there. But I didn't do any lifting! If I stand up, the pain is above my elbow, whereas if I sit down and type something, it moves to just under the elbow. When doing something on which I've got to focus an awful lot there is no pain at all. I think it might be TMS, but I'm not sure. I do not want to be wrong again, and ruin my body! When there is a lot of bloodflow (later on in the workout) there is no pain either, although there might be at the start. The pain tended to appear after having trained. Not during the training. Although it has started to hurt during training too as of late. The pain itself is like that nasty RSI (TMS or not) pain. Always there, always nagging [Even now I'm resting]. During workouts (if there was pain) it would actually be a very painful kind of pain. A spike if you will. A very intense kind of pain. I first started with 3 tricep exercises. One hurt. Stopped doing that one. Next one started hurting. Now down to one. I do not know if this is because of TMS or because of the fact that it might now be becoming a sustained injury. As in a long term injury, ergo more pain. Before, I hadn't had any issues what so ever up intill the point I moved to 4KGs. I had to move all the way up too 4KG. I was that weak! Why the weights and why such a fuss? But, why are you so bent on lifting weights? I'm enormously weak. Enormously afraid. I have an engrained fear of conflict in me. Parents always judging and intruding. I'm so afraid of conflict, that I'd be afraid not to greet someone (someone I do not know) if I walk past that person and that person greets me. Afraid of what? The person lashing out at me [literally screaming], and beating me up. Like, we're not talking about any rational fear here. I live in a safe area, not the hood. I was finally gaining muscle, and getting bigger and stronger. The progress finally started to become visible, and I started to feel enormously happy. And then, all of that progress was thrown out of the window. My arms are starting to thin again. It is strange for me to say this: but writing this I'm near crying. I want to stop being that afraid. I want to be able to defend myself. Not be the skinny boy that got bullied anymore. I just want normal arms. Arms that aren't as thin as chopsticks. I want to be able to defend myself. Not having to be afraid anymore. When the lockdown is done, I also want to start self-defence. I found that a lot of my behaviour is linked to fear/rejection. Messed up situation But my mind keeps stopping me from doing that. It is as if I were trapped in some kind of messed-up catch 22. I want to lift weights and become strong to not be weak anymore, to stop more interal rage from building up as a result of that feeling of weekness and helplessness. However at the same time, my mind stops me from doing that via the pain. Only fueling the internal rage even more, and thus leading to even more pain. Conclusion So that's why I'm here and writing all this. I want to know about your experiences, your stories. I want to ask for help and advice when it comes to this pain of mine. Did you go through the same thing? Any tips and or tricks? What do you think about this kind of pain? I feel so miserable. I want to become strong, but every single time I fail. There is always an injury stopping me from escaping this horrible catch-22. I feel weary and broken down. I wanted to ask like-minded people (you guys) what you thought about all this. I'm also lost as far as studies go. I don't know what I like. I've been lying to myself all my life. Doing this I didn't like. Forcing myself. I'm thankful and happy I now know, and I have stopped doing it, but the situation itself sucks. I want to get out of my parents place to heal, but can't because of me not knowing what job I'd like to do etc. etc. another catch-22. Hope to hear from you soon! Prospective FAQ A quick note on my lifting scheme: I do not lift every single day of the week. I train on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, leaving a day of rest in between (and two during the weekends). That should be plenty of rest. I also down 500grams of quark (about 1.1 lbs in weight) after each session. Surely, that should be enough protein? I know I need psychotherapy, but I need to save up money to get it. Since it isn't offered around here, insurance isn't going to take care of it. Personality traits: Goodism, Legalism, Anxious attachement, Fear of conflict, Perfectionism, Neurotic (although nowhere near as much as in the past. It's getting less and less), autism (not great at guessing how people react or feel as a result of certain actions).