TMS or Does My Body Just Need More Time?

At what stage do I call it TMS?
I'm not new to TMS and need no convincing; I was introduced to it about 5 years ago and
have managed some significant healing. A new problem as arisen and I'm unsure about it.
In August I had a colonoscopy and while under anesthetic, developed aspiration pneumonia. In
other words, my own saliva, probably, went down my lungs. What were the chances of that? 1 in 5,000.

The pneumonia made me really sick - worse than I thought I would be, in fact initially I was in denial. I was treated with antibiotics. At the time, I also developed depression.
I was restricted with what I could do and I was trying to run a pet-sitting business - unfortunately I couldn't cancel clients as they were overseas and their cats and dogs depended on me. This, I think, was part of the worst of it, I needed to stay in bed but other little beings were dependent upon me for their well-being so I couldn't just stay in bed. I dragged myself to each visit feeling really unwell. I looked grey. At the same time,
several of my own pets became chronically ill one after the other and it took a toll because I did not have the physical or emotional reserves to care for dying animals, I was still sick myself- one of them went on for 9 weeks. When he died, I howled not because I'd lost him so much as the relief that I didn't have to do all this intensive care of him anymore when I was so weak myself.

At about the 9 week mark I went to my doctor because I couldn't shake the cough or the fatigue or depression and I thought it had gone on long enough. She didn't want to do anything but wait.

At the 11 week mark the specialist who performed the colonoscopy phoned me personally to see how I was doing. I said I still had fatigue and had to take naps all the time and still had the cough, which my husband says I sound like a dog barking sometimes. He ordered blood tests that might cover fatigue, the usual stuff like iron and Vitamin D (I have had low iron in the past that has explained fatigue but this fatigue feels very different).
Also had a chest xray. The xray showed no more active infection on my lungs and the blood test, which covered a lot of things, also came back normal.
Which was good news.
But why this persistent fatigue and cotton woool head? Even my husband at times has said to me I look terrible; grey in the face and coughing like a dog.
I'm trying to find out what is normal with pneumonia, what to expect, which is why the number of weeks matter; illness has a time-frame, before I call it the TMS card.

I thought I should be well by now .
Something else weird also started happening. I am normally one of those annoyingly energetic and chirpy morning people.
Not anymore. It became impossible to get up in the morning and when I did (do) I'm headachey, cotton-wool head and dragging fatigue. This lasts until around about 4-6 pm when it starts to lift and I start to feel somewhat brighter and more normal. What's started happening is - anticipating this window of increased well-being - I do whatever I can during the day but save intense stuff, like exercise, for the evening.

This is terribly inconvenient because evening I'm supposed to be preparing dinner and tending my animals. I found I'm trying to squeeze in sets in my home gym and recently was exercising at 9.30 at night. This later energy I knew I could have pushed out and could have kept going until 1 or 2 am,just to get stuff done that seemed impossible during the day, but I didn't want to get into that routine, of staying up until the small hours, so at 10 pm I shut everything down and go to bed and wake up unable to move again.

I did however find I felt better on warm, humid days and was looking forward to summer and thought that summer will help me heal.

At around the 12 week mark I started to notice energetic days here and there and felt that I'd turned the corner and was on the up. I kept trying to stay in touch with my feelings.

But then this. I live in Sydney and we have experienced massive bushfires surrounding us since 16th November. The smoke has has persisted for over a month, now, with at least 17 of those days the air quality reaching hazardous levels. I am not the only person to feel dread and depressed, everybody is affected
and some people, with asthma and heart disease are certainly more danger than me. The atmosphere can only be described as apocalyptic.

But I found it also made my symptoms worse - the fatigue is worse on smokey days and the cough comes back and I feel very depressed. I don't exercise. We are told not to exercise especially outdoors on smoke haze days.
(as I write, the air is acrid and smoke haze is drifting into every crevice of the house)

Earlier this week I was feeling real fatigue so decided it's been a few weeks, I'll go to the doctor again as my symptoms are also consistent with walking pneumonia.
In other words, wondering whether I have two infections and only been treated for one.

She ordered tests again which I've yet to get the results. I asked her about the change from a morning to an evening person and the morning fatigue and she said it was a symptom of depression. I'm convinced the depression has gone, it started to lift around the 11 week mark. When I had the pneumonia I could not stop crying or playing music by Taylor Swift over and over and everything affected me emotionally and daily life and tasks were a huge struggle. This lifted around the 11 week mark of its own accord. I'm convinced it was biological and once my body started getting better, so did the depression.
I did not have helplessness and bleak future thoughts that normally go with depression. I just couldn't stop crying and I couldn't function, that's all. This stopped. So her assessment that it's depression, I don't agree with.

Here's my question: what is reasonable recovery time for pneumonia? I have read that at the 3 month mark, approx 52% of people over 50 (that's me) still feel ongoing fatigue and that this is the last symptom to vanish. But that's only one article. I'm looking for a benchmark. I have had some people say to me that recovery takes a long time and I'm pushing it. What is not helping is the toxic air.
Am I hurrying recovery? Am I pushing and in reality, it just does take this long? Or have I now moved into the TMS zone?
I refuse to think I now have CFS although annoyingly, my symptoms seem like it but I know from lots of reading that CFS is TMS so I don't even know why my brain would try and put that one over on me, because I've been on these forums and others enough to know that CFS is TMS. Still, my symptoms are ongoing crashing fatigue that has a bit of a pattern but is much worse on smoke haze days.

After this last blood test if it comes back normal I won't be chasing anything else t medical hough still cannot explain the cough. She can't hear anything when she listens to my chest.
So although I'm improved since August/September/October, there is still lingering fatigue on many days (not all, but particularly smoke-haze days).
TMS or my body just needs more time?
thank you for your insights
Miss Metta

 

I have an Australian Boxherd named Sophie. She spent the first 10 months of her life locked up in a crate losing her mind. When I got her , she hated all men (great)... I left to work late and got home early to make sure she got tons of play time. I no longer went to social events in the evening because she gets weird when I am gone at night. I rented a bigger house with a yard even though I am a single guy, because I didn't want her to feel cramped.It's NOT because I am a 'good guy'...The gal I was dating got pissed because I focused most of my energy into the Dog.
I suffer from Canine Codependency... I ALSO am TMS prone so I quoted every single thing that winked at me in your text.

When I do my TMS check sheets I have started listing my repressed feelings of obligation to her. How can I get angry at a poor little pup who got ignored and was 'returned' for being a problem (Identification with myself).

It's not in changing my actions... I am who I am... it's in recognizing that the personality traits that make me take those actions are rage inducing.... I want to go out and play music, date girls, go to social events... But Sophie might get upset. She's two years old now, loves everybody and is a model citizen of a dog but I am still a control freak about her.... helicopter pet owner. That is actually selfish, BUT I can't seem to stop it.

I also have had Pneumonia a few times .. hospitalized during the worst bout. It preceded my Back Pain and was at a time in my life where I first realized that No one really gave a shit what happens to the Husband as long as the check shows up. I was in a dark, depressed, feeling abandoned and used phase of my life. (hindsight is always 20/20). I think Louise Hay said a Cough is shouting at the world 'look at me... I exist!'. Pneumonia is the cough from Hell... and her 'Pneumonia' diagnosis is: "Pneumonia: Desperate. Tired of life. Emotional wounds that are not allowed to heal."

Only you will know ultimately, but that 'I can only do stuff in the evening' stinks to high hell of conditioning. You know you're a TMSer and this smells funny....and no matter how much we 'love' and 'care' for others there is a 6 year old inside who doesn't want to be responsible but always wants to be in charge..... and of course loves puppies!

The answer is always hidden in plain sight

 

/MINIQUOTE]

Hi I read and re-read your post over and over because it resonated with me.

I rented a bigger house with a yard even though I am a single guy, because I didn't want her to feel cramped.It's NOT because I am a 'good guy'...[

I think this is because you are a good guy. You care enough about your animal’s needs to accommodate her. I wish more people were like you. Oh wait, I’m one, too. We are looking for a new house to live – but can’t find one – it’s got to have the right sized room for the bunnies.(roll eyes)

I suffer from Canine Codependency... then my ailment is rat co-dependency. Great swathes of my life centre around their well-being. Like your GF getting pissed off, my husband gets pissed off at times, however, he was warned before he married me that I come with rats, so don’t expect it to change (he was not ever an animal lover but has softened).

I got them 11 years ago when I was in a terrible relationship and in many ways they saved me. However unlike dogs, the problem with rats is they only live 2-3 years. This means regularly experiencing death and grief. Normally, this is a bit spaced out, but starting in August, two days after I got the pneumonia, an avalanche of rats started to crumble and fall and I didn't have the phsyical or emotional reserves to cope.

The first one also developed chronic respiratory and I really felt I could relate, both of us it hurt to breath. I did not have the energy to nurse him – I wished someone was nursing me – and yes I realise I’ve just written a key phrase - yet I did nurse him. I pushed and pushed and pushed to keep him alive with nebulising, steroid injections, oral medications and multiple hand-feedings through out the day. When I say multiple, as in making up 10 or 12 tiny dishes and feeding them to him by hand just to get him to eat. His weight still crashed anyway, but I did all I could to keep him stable as long as possible. I did this for 9 weeks at the same time having to visit my client’s pets; trying to take an ancient dog for a walk (and was grateful for the fact that it was so old it could barely walk because I couldn’t) in the cold and cleaning cat litter trays. I wanted to drop it. I knew I needed to. If there'd been time, I'd have cancelled them, but there was only two days - not enough time to find a replacement sitter.

In between visits I would crash in bed. I was also enraged that my husband didn’t do more to help me, but would simply say, “just lie down until you feel better”. In other words, I was still expected to do all my tasks and cook meals for us but I was ‘allowed’ to lie down first if I needed. If you’ve had pneumonia then you know how debilitating it can be. A few weeks after this first rat became sick, his son developed a brain tumour and he also required nursing. This was a shock as he was young, totally unexpected, and my darling. Two weeks after this another was also diagnosed with a brain tumour, and on and on it went.

It seemed like I was at the vets every weekend with another euthanasia. The vet even said to me, “I see too much of you”. It was building in me, I could feel it, I could feel the overwhelm.

I also knew, as you do about Sophie, that I was starting to feel rage at my animals. For what is required for their care – or at least, what I demand of myself - and it’s still not good enough. In addition, I also have rabbits. I did not ask for rabbits; I had no intention ever of getting rabbits. But in a freak twist of fate, my husband found at work five 1-week old wild rabbit kittens who were flushed out of their burrow by a storm. One was already dead. He bought the remainder home and I hand-raised them. I was told they would, and expected them to die. Instead, three grew up and now have my back rumpus room – like you have your backyard – devoted to what is essentially a wild animal.

It used to be used for the rats to free range and I would sometimes do art in there. Not anymore. I do my art on the dining table which annoys my husband because the room dedicated to art when we moved in is now a rabbit sanctuary. The vets also convinced me to adopt another domestic rabbit who needed a home, so I thought why not, what’s one more. I don’t regret it, he’s adorable.

I love the rabbits. They are unique, silly, funny and very beautiful. But OMG the mess! The hay everywhere and they are destructive. This causes me to feel shame (at feeling like I’m not on top of their mess all the time), overwhelm and at times and I’m aware that my inner 6 year old thinks bunnies are sooo cute, she doesn’t want to pick up after them all the time.

Additionally the rats do not like them. I’ve had rats who attacked the rabbits, and one rat got an eye injury from a rabbit kick. So every day twice a day I have to lock the rabbits up in a pen so that the rats can come out and free range and then vice versa. This takes coordination and work.

I can hear some people thinking, “well if your animals are this much work and stress you so much, get rid of them”. No. However, I am planning on taking a break from the rats. It may be overdue. Though a part of me feels like it's an admission of failure. I will not get rid of the rabbits, they are not suitable as pets, and they are something I took on and I'm seeing it through. Initially I was going rehome them but the rabbit rescue asked me to pay for desexing and I thought well if I have to do that, I might as well keep them. It was a long, tedious task over 6 months to get them house-trained and my husband complained a lot about their territorial marking which was just everywhere, to the point I was afraid of his whining about them all the time, but we got there, they use litter trays now., thankfully.They are also a little easier to care for than rats, they require less attention. The rats, I feel, have drained me.

That I can feel so much resentment toward animals is, I know, the reason I do not have kids. I know I’d just resent them.
So I'm aware of it, at least in my head.

]No one really gave a shit what happens to the Husband as long as the check shows up.

I’m sorry you felt / feel like this. It happens to women, too.

When I do my TMS check sheets I have started listing my repressed feelings of obligation to her. How can I get angry at a poor little pup who got ignored and was 'returned' for being a problem (Identification with myself).


I have been aware for some weeks now that I have had repressed feelings about my animals. And also about the pet sitting at times. Turning up at 6 am to find a cat has repeatedly messed under the kitchen table, yeah, I feel dismay and yes, rage, and it's not exactly my idea of an amazing career. I do it because I'm good with animals, I do care about them, and the world of work has pretty much shunned me.

I also read back on my ‘rat log’ last week which I’ve been keeping for about 8 years, and I noticed that I happened to write about a year ago – just before I adopted some new rats, who turned out be full of problems – that I was getting tired and needing to take a break from rats. My heart was breaking from a couple of recent losses. I didn’t pay attention to that and instead adopted 4 more. These are the ones who have been getting sick and dying since August.

When I read that (that had wanted to take a break from rats over a year ago) I revisited where I am at now and feel that more strongly. But to get my last 2 rats through until they died (leaving them on their own is not fair or right), I ‘borrowed’ two young males about a month ago. What could possibly go wrong? Young rats, to me, represent youth and vitality and hope and joy and health. And they're fun. What could go wrong? In an extraordinary stroke of more bad luck, it did.

One started having aggression problems so I took him for desexing. He died just after surgery. I was astounded, I still am, all these deaths since August have been too much to process. His brother has a lump on his throat and the vet won’t operate in case it’s a congenital heart condition that killed the first one and surgery might take this other one, too. Am I outraged? You bet. If I believed in God I’d be shaking my fists at the injustice and why won’t he save my animals and why am I still getting deaths and disease in even very young animals. But I don’t believe in God, it’s just bad luck. Suck it up, sunshine, is all I can tell myself. I do play Taylor Swift's most meaningful songs and cry a lot.

But my intention is after my last few pass, to take a break from them. I won’t know who I am, I’ve built an identity around rats and rat keeping.


I ALSO am TMS prone so I quoted every single thing that winked at me in your text.

Nice work. You got me thinking.

I think Louise Hay said a Cough is shouting at the world 'look at me... I exist!'. Pneumonia is the cough from Hell... and her 'Pneumonia' diagnosis is: "Pneumonia: Desperate. Tired of life. Emotional wounds that are not allowed to heal."

I do think Louise Hay is onto something though I don’t think doing all those affirmations work. But yes, at the time I got the pneumonia, there were aspects of my life I was feeling (and still do feel) desperate about and tired of life and I do feel overlooked and non-existent at times. But doesn't everyone? Emotional wounds…well, everyone can claim that, can’t they? For me, there’s been a lot of grief and loss – of my pets, my work, my belief that Sydney could be a wonderful place to set roots in and now it's just a pit of inescapable noxious air.Not going into childhood stuff, been there done that so many times no longer productive. TMS for me is probably as you put it, about personality.



Only you will know ultimately, but that 'I can only do stuff in the evening' stinks to high hell of conditioning. You know you're a TMSer and this smells funny....and no matter how much we 'love' and 'care' for others there is a 6 year old inside who doesn't want to be responsible but always wants to be in charge..... and of course loves puppies!


The answer is always hidden in plain sight [/COLOR]


It possibly is, but I'm either not seeing it or not able to act on it

thanks again for your reply, much to chew on, here

Metta

 

Darn, I tried to reply first with different coloured text (didn't work) and then with quotes, that didn't go through, either! sorry