The Dark Days of Fibromyalgia

The Dark Days of Fibromyalgia







Of all the pain that I endured over the past three decades, the crippling, paralyzing back spasms, the pounding headaches, some days reeling from dizziness so bad that I would run into doorways, nothing compared to the relentless, soul crushing, life stealing, complete body pain of fibromyalgia. I remember countless doctors, countless “normal” lab reports, countless naturopathic treatments, countless hopes that someone, somewhere could fix me and my life could return to normal again. In the worst days, my husband gave me a laminated card that had “good day” on one side and “bad day” on the other which I could just leave out on the kitchen counter, and when he got home, he’d be able to see which side was up. If “bad day” was showing, he’d know not to even hug me, the pain and the stimulus of the day had overwhelmed me. How sad is that? How enraging is that? And how senseless, how utterly needless.

I look back on that poor, sweet, perfectionistic, hurting woman with great compassion. I mourn for her lost years, and am grateful for my new understanding of how pain is formed. All that grasping and searching for healing and it was all right there in my beautiful, powerful brain. For me the unraveling of pain sensations took many months. As one issue resolved, my faith in the theory that ALL my issues were just one giant bundle of TMS grew. Slowly as my belief grew, my pain lessoned, which created more belief and then less fear and the cycle of improvement was reinforced.

What is left for me now is the overall sense of awe of my amazing minds, a sense of gratitude for the full and fun life that I live now, and a sense of responsibility to help others who are struggling find their path to symptom free living. www.pathsbeyondpain.com Instagram: @pathsbeyondpain

 

So hopeful! Thank you for posting! How amazing for you! I have fibromyalgia and relate so much to seeking and hunting for years all the while not knowing none of that would help. A few weeks ago I was looking through pics on my old phone during my really dark days before I knew it was TMS. I too felt so sad for that girl. In that moment I saw the growth even though slowly, still growth because she knows now and the search for "what's wrong with my body?" Is over.
Congrats to you and thank you for posting this,. So much hope!

 

You’re welcome! You can totally conquer the fibro symptoms.

 

Ann,
Thank you for the post, it is exactly what I needed to read right now. I have had some taste of success with the program, but it is early and already I can tell the recovery path will not be linear. I have been up all night, in the guest room I go to when sleep is a lost cause and I don’t want to wake my husband. Even though most of the night was low pain, I had this tension in my hands and arms that just would not subside, and then the pain did put in an appearance in the wee hours. I just got so angry I said to it out loud, “I know what you are, you are TMS, go away and leave me alone!” Then I just started sobbing uncontrollably, and I realized how afraid I was. My husband heard me and came in—and I realized the pain had gone. I have been having a lot of tears the past few weeks, beginning this awesome work of therapy, journaling, meditation, and all the other exercises. I think that he thinks I’m going crazy, but I think I’m simply re-learning how to feel my emotions. Sure is messy, I hope I’m normal. Lol

 

LOL indeed It's the correct response to your own question, Mickey! This sounds totally normal for someone who is actually "doing the work" and making progress.
You go, girl!

 

Thank you for the support. This tension and anxiety at night has continued to bother me. Does anyone have a recommendation?
Thank you, Michelle

 

@MickeyLou
Have patience and kindness and yourself. If you find yourself frustrated or upset an out the insomnia or anxiety etc, just feel it. Remind yourself this is temporary.
If you can meditate, try it. When I can not, (mind too busy) I use my earphones and listen to long stretches of quiet music on Insite timer and just breathe or listen to their sleep stories.
Part of what is going on is your mind’s inability to be with itself right now.. constantly looking for you to “do” or be distracted by thinking. You’ve got to try to become ok with the feeling of anxiety, the same way you work on being ok with any symptom. I simply say to myself “this is anxiety, I am anxious” and don’t worry about it anymore. As you teach yourself to be with the anxiety instead of pushing it away or wanting to change it, it will have less power. It just takes patience.
I learned quickly not to worry not sleeping. This too shall pass.

 

Jana and Cactusflower, thank you for all the kind advice.

 

THANK YOU for this post -- so very true!