The Amazing Power of Holidays....

So, after a while of having hand and wrist pain and weakness, alternating between the left and right sides, I went to Norway last week. And for the entire week.....nothing. Not a flicker. I gripped the stair rails on a whale watching boat to stop myself from sliding over in the ice - nothing. I gripped a bucket of reindeer feed as a gentle herd surrounded me, and I was keeping it at requested arm's length - nothing. I went snow-shoeing for the day - nothing. I carried bags and suitcases, and coats between my fingers and thumbs. I even occasionally looked at my hands and thought, 'come on, then, let's be having you.' Nothing. I registered how much lighter I felt - emotionally, physically, psychologically. No stress, no work, no micro-resentments starting to pile into each other. Then I flew back home and it's trying to come back into my right today, right amidst my unpacking, and my phone beeping, and I'm about to pick up my cherished dog from kennels - he's deeply loved but aged 11, which is another stressor, another something my brain is wanting to scream about; don't die on me, darling, please don't die. For the time I was away, I barely thought of him at all. So, for me, this really is the final piece of the puzzle; that a change of location, climate, demands, expectations, and role = no pain really DOES equal TMS.

 

Fantastic proof! (Other than you going on 'holiday' rather than on 'vacation', I could tell you are a fellow Brit when you wrote 'come on, then, let's be having you' ) Just a suggestion but now that you are home and having to deal with 'lifey' stuff, perhaps you could use the memory of your recent trip as a 'safe place' to regularly go to in your mind (to visualise and feel what it was like) and/or as daily meditation... as it's such a brilliant reference point.

 

@Sarah79
Isn’t it wonderful to know that you have total proof of TMS! that’s a great feeling. Your holiday sounds really fun… feeding reindeer! It sounds like a winter wonderland! Reading your post made me think that your real life is too heavy for you— which is why your anger subsided when you went away. Your TMS is blocking you from discovering your emotions. Maybe you could dig into your life a little bit —do some journaling— maybe even about your dog —how sad and mad this makes you that he’s aging. When you journal, write from your childish heart. Be mad like a five year old. Get it all out; admit what you hate about your life, what makes you mad, what infuriates you and frustrates you. Just keep pouring it out on paper. All sorts of good things will happen when you do that— Lots of insight will come.

 

This is one of those nuggets--one of those 'unfair life situations' put on us. And, nice job in putting words to what your brain is screaming at you.
Can you find more of these for yourself? (no real need to post them, unless that could be helpful for you).
Have you said, "Can't believe he's 11 and I have to worry about losing him when xxxxx is going on!"
Or, "I've already got my hands full with yyyyyy and zzzzzzzzz and can barely get my head around that..."

The most lovely line on the forum!

And, enjoy today with your pup! I am dog person and went through my own version of this....tough stuff. Make those memories and enjoy your time with him. Hang in there.

 

I agree!

 

This is fantastic proof that you are dealing with TMS!

 

There’s so many generous and helpful comments in all your replies, thank you so much.

I'm including a photo of me and my dog; this space feels safe, and I know those who've commented about their own dogs will understand.

Yes, @Diana-M, life feels too heavy; I'm trying to find some sense of 'beginnings' and positives amongst all the things that I feel are starting to rage against the dying of the light. My dog is 11 and in perfect health, but my brain is working ahead of time, and anything I see that I might have written off were he four or five no longer can be excused so simply. I have journalled quite a lot, without anything really changing, but these moments - such as the holiday - shine such a bright light onto things that I almost laugh at it. Today, for instance, the pain has gone into my left ankle, and my best friend has had a recent, and complex, ankle operation; it's almost an empathy pain, but I know it's also my brain looking for the most 'plausible' places it can go. I also have more understanding for my brain - prior to my holiday, I felt my brain was an enemy, a fiendish thing working against 'me.' Now I know it's simply running scared and is plonking as much distraction as it can wherever it will get the most traction and attention. So I say things to it now like, 'I understand you, brain, and trust you to relieve the symptom when you're feeling safe again.'

@BloodMoon - yep, I'm a Brit, and I love how it's recognisable through the colloquialisms! I'm very into photography, and have some wonderful photos from the trip that I'll use as an anchor; brilliant idea, thank you.

@Bonnard - thank you for ideas, and empathy; it is tough to love a creature you know will, in all likelihood, die before you do. I can sense my vigilance is very much up with him, even though he's leaping around at the moment. I think to anchor myself in the present - he's fine, it's raining, it's a Tuesday - and trying to stay there, as much as the brain likes to wander, might help. I can't wish away the time he does have left; that would be such a horrid regret to have.

There's always so much to think about, but I think above all else, TMS is a gift to the degree that it points you in a curious, compassionate direction to find out what's really hurting.

 

Thanks for sharing the photo. Your dog is so adorable!

 

Love the pic!! Thanks for sharing!