Stuck and Frustrated - An Update

Hello everyone. I thought I would give an update that's honest and just a little writing/journaling exercise if I am allowed to post something like that here.

It's been over a year and a half of back pain now. Specifically, about one year of acute back pain. Now, my last intense bed-ridden spasm day was in January, but the pain this whole year has still been very bad. Moments of falling from the pain and yelling out as I get electrically shocked are common for me.

Now, when I first read about TMS, I resonated so much with the personality description. The upbringing, the thoughts, the attitude, all of it. I was all in very quickly, and I noticed results very quickly. Each result built momentum. Even with setbacks, I had planned for those. I tend to go all in on things, and that's where I definitely was. Ups and downs of course, but I had faith in the process.

This summer, I worked a fairly physically demanding job (8 hours on my feet, frequent lifting and constant bending over). I would wonder how I would get through the shift. But I did everytime. Some days I would clock out feeling fine. Other times I would need to lie sideways in my bed for an hour before continuing with my evening. But I was surviving. And even more, I was living. Lots of pain - specifically when sitting, but I would still do it. I would cook for guests and eat. And, although I probably looked like a fish out of water with the way I twisted and turned in my seat to try and relieve pain, I always pushed through. So that left me feeling accomplished but like I was still living with a constant level of pretty intesne pain.

Now, my job has transitioned again. I'm working a fairly low-physical job. I only just stand and sit. No lifting, bending, etc. I bike to and from work. I even bike for fun frequently - probably evens out to about 45 minutes of biking everyday. And I'm feeling beyond blessed that I am able to do this.

Yet, this damn pain is still lingering on. It's like the scale adjusts. An 8 hour job would often take it out of me. Now, I'm working more like 5 hour days in person, and by the time I get home, of course I'm thankful I made it through, but I'm in significant pain where I have to lie down. Mornings are hell. I always wake up in immense pain. Doing some more of my ambitious physical goals (jogging, sports, lifting, etc) feel impossible to achieve. And, yes, I am continuing to live, but often through gritted teeth because of how much pain I am in. Sometimes, I will hit a bump on my back that feels like it rattles my spine, and it hurts so much that day. I've been determined to push through and to try and relax my nervous system, but I am often in so much pain that tears will fall out of my eyes just from the pain alone.

It feels like such a mixed bag, and I'm finding it hard to know what to believe in this moment. I stopped putting a timer on when the pain should go away. I tried to release the pressure. But it's feeling like I'm starting to reflect and realize this TMS method has worked but not fully for me. So my mind has started to hypothesize: Is it a mixture of physical and psychological conditions? Can a physical injury be exasperated by my mental state? Do I need a mixture of treatment to truly cure it?

I'm not sure. But I'm definitely feeling like I'm ready to solve this thing once and for all. I'm in my lower 20s and a year and a half of my life has been spent suffering under a great deal of pain and without the freedom of doing the sports I love to do. So I'm basically feeling conflicted on where I'm at with all of this right now.

I just wanted to vent, express some thoughts, and hopefully work through some stuff. I hope that's okay here. Thanks

 

Hello @CrabDiver,

I think you may have done the SEP (or part of it)—so my suggestion is to consider trying something else. For instance, Tanner Murtagh's free 30-day YouTube programme, which I've just posted up about here: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/tanner-murtaghs-3-steps-totally-free-30-day-program-for-chronic-pain-other-symptoms-on-youtube.33091/.

I feel that a gentler, structured method like Tanner's could complement what you've already accomplished.

It targets ongoing back pain like yours through neuroplasticity and nervous system retraining—suited to TMS plateaus where pain persists despite cycling and work.

Tanner himself recovered from 3.5 years of worsening pain (despite physio and scans) using Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT). Trials found 66% pain-free or nearly so after 9 sessions, 98% improved—a good fit for your 1.5 years of progress.

It's only 3 brief daily practices (10-30 mins) a day: consisting of 'safety signals' to reduce fear during activity, 'brain retraining', and 'emotion work' that builds on your journaling, without burdening your routine.

The program speaks to your queries on physical/psychological aspects—seeing pain as reversible brain circuits (triggers included), aiding a shift from 'gritted-teeth' persistence to safety.

Wishing you all the best.

 

Echoing bloodmoon’s sentiments, maybe a new structured program would be helpful.

I guess my main question to you is how much joy are you finding in your life? You’re going through so much toughness right now, and it makes me so sad to read. I’m a little older than you but I know those feelings of sadness for what has been lost-sports or hobbies we used to love, to socialize without fear, to be able to work without wondering if today’s the day it’s too much.

It’s tough to let go of things that used to bring so much joy. But letting go doesn’t mean they’re gone forever. I don’t want to assume too much from what you write, but if we lose access to our hobbies or outlets and our lives become working somewhere that brings pain to point of having to lay down when we get home, this can evoke some serious despair. Are there new outlets or hobbies that you can engage in? Prior to TMS I was huge into martial arts, basketball and volleyball. I had to give them up and it made my world so small. But months later with the confidence of TMS work, I got into yoga and swimming, I can even play volleyball again with minimal pain and I started hitting a punching bag a month ago. But for months I was filled with sorrow about what was gone. We should aim to make our worlds as big as is possible, maybe intense physical activity is out of the question for now, but there are so many options available to us.

Also, with the degree of pain you’re describing I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting a second opinion from a doctor. Maybe you can seek out a TMS doctor? Maybe even a TMS therapist would be beneficial. I don’t even think pain meds would be wrong if you’re being moved to the point of tears, even just having them on hand as an assurance could be helpful as you figure out some next steps.

our mental states can absolutely worsen physical issues, a body in fight or flight in going to heal slower.

 

Thank you. I will look into Tanner. I'm feeling a bit as if I have exhausted this method, and I'm a skeptic by nature. But I'm also open-minded and have felt benefits from pain reprocessing, so I would like to give this another chance.

I've definitely felt plenty of despair during this experience. My main despair thoughts are about the future (career prospects, kids, etc), but the sadness of not doing the physical things I love (running, sports, etc) have been extremely hurtful emotionally as well. However, I would say I have still found joy in my day-to-day life. Especially with picking up biking in the last 2 months, that has brought about a new surge of daily joy. I cried the first time I rode the bike even though I was limping off of it, because I hadn't been able to do something that athletic in over a year. So that was a blessing. I also walk often as a hobby, explore the city I'm living in, and am working on a fiction novel. My job is fulfilling as well. I guess I'm trying to say I feel as if I have lots of joy in my life in activities and people, but that coincides with lots of despair and sadness I've been feeling.

And yes, I take ibuprofen nearly every day. Every 2 weeks or so I go thru a day without needing it, but almost everyday I take a half dose at least once in the day. But sometimes I hit the max recommended - it just depends on how much I feel like I can push through.

I really appreciate your advice and empathy. I'll be thinking about what you've said to me.

 

CrabDiver,
I’m so sorry you are so young and have had to go through such a difficult thing— being deprived of all the youthful activities you love. Notice what you said here that you do have lots of joy in your life. Think about that whenever times get tough. Cling to it. I like to think of TMS as a refinement process. Your life is getting fine tuned and your perspective and appreciation of it will be so much greater when this time of TMS passes, which it will. If you try hard, you’ll get better and better at fighting the despair. Maybe this is the greatest thing that we learn when we have this pain. We gain inner strength that we never could’ve imagined before. Nonetheless some days are very hard— so hard you wonder how you get through. But look at you —you are! you’ve added biking and writing a novel. You have a fulfilling job. These are all great things! Just remember if you never give up— If you keep on trying—-You can get to the other side of TMS. Hundreds of people here have proved it.

 

Love this, Rabscuttle!