Seems I victimize myself ...

You all know this situation: you were doing fine for the last 8 months and then bam! From January to July I was doing well, then a week or so with bladder pain. I did the meditations Dr. Schubiner guides ( his voice is really smooth and one feel safe). I addressed some of my repressed anger issues. And then I was doing fine again. Since August I had a period were I had to work 70 hours per week and still I could not finish my tasks right in time. Last week Saturday it was there again, the pain. Of course I can figure out that I had too much work, starting really to be stressed. Then I start to envy all other people for their wonderful life. And see myself as a victim. But it was me who accepted all these projects and articles. I cannot blame others for that. So, I am anxious to say no to tasks. And I know this for some time. When do I ever learn to make a better planning? The worst thing is: I think I am afraid of being alone, so when I am working I am connected to other people. But this is a vicious circle: I will not have a satisfying social life if I do not stop working all the time.
And the next problem: sometimes I think I could feel good, just being on my own, with a house, a garden. But I actually feel like a looser. After my divorce (we were together for 23 years) my ex-husband married again only 2 years after the divorce. And now he has the children he never wanted with me. I feel exploited by him, he is a narcissist and simply used me to make his career. I am not missing him. But I am angry with myself that this has happened to me.
How to let go? And when should one let go and when should one work with the anger and the shame?
I know that the pain will go away, but it sucks anyway ...
Greetings from Denmark!

 

Oh, Time2be, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this! It's so unfair, and it is rage-inducing!

"Letting go" can too easily become repression. So no, you should not just let any of this go. It requires a process.

You've got a lot going on, but it seems to me that things can be narrowed down to a few, perhaps just two, key issues. It sounds like one of your biggest issues is isolation, and that some of your isolation has been caused by abandonment - which is probably an even bigger issue than the isolation.

Isolation, and the fear of isolation, is a core human issue, and you already recognize its influence on your desire to stay busy at work. At some point you need to be really honest with yourself about what you really want, and act accordingly.

But of more immediate concern is the abandonment. Abandonment is often a hidden issue. Obviously, your husband abandoned you, even if you desired the divorce. He abandoned you by turning into someone you did not want to be with anymore. You should have rage about that. But worse than that, he abandoned you more than 20 years in the past when he refused to have children with you - you were left abandoned in this life without the children that you wanted. This is a huge betrayal of the trust that you must have placed in him at some point.

I think it would be a really good idea to explore these two issues for yourself, and really get in touch with them at a very deep level. These are really scary emotions, and it's no wonder that your brain is trying its best to repress them so that you don't get swallowed up by them. The thing is, the fear of being swallowed by dangerous emotions is the fear of your primitive brain. The truth is that you have the ability, in our safe modern society, to protect yourself from physical danger while you explore them. This was not true when our ancestors lived in the wilderness - they didn't have that luxury, and they had to be on the alert all the time. Thus, the physical symptoms were there to distract them from emotions so that they were alert to danger.

One good technique to get you started would be the Unsent Letter. This is described in our SEP - Structured Educational Program.

Doing Alan Gordon's new Pain Recovery Program would probably be a good idea.

And I am going to leave you with a bit of a snarky thought: I can't imagine that this man's children are going to be emotionally healthy, do you? Perhaps you can eventually feel sorry for the new wife and her children.

Good luck!

~Jan

 

Dear Jan, wow, your reply make me think, really think. You nailed it. Just like that! I feel so relieved about what you are saying! Because I had been in psychotherapy for a while when I was married and the only function it had was to keep me functioning in a dysfunctional marriage. Now I found a psychotherapist who is much better in helping to understand my feelings ... But I need to really feel them. I wrote one Unsent Letter. But I think that writing is too intellectual for me, I am doing a lot of writing, this is my job, I am an academic. When I start writing I am already in the write and correct mode. Maybe a combination of writing and painting?
The funny thing is that the abandonment was not really felt, it took me ten years to see clearly how he treated me. This morning after reading your message I decided that I am worth it to demand people treating me with respect. I never was the difficult type ... Of course not .. Then I wouldn't be in this situation.
And you are absolutely right, I do feel sorry the children.
I am following 'Unlearn your pain' by Schubiner. But I definetly will have a look at the Structured Educational Program.
Thanks again so much! Your message really made a difference to me!
Best
Pernille

 

This is vital to doing this work! Above all, we must love ourselves enough to know in our hearts that we deserve to recover and live our lives with joy.

And thank YOU, Pernille!

 

Jan did a good synopsis of the likely underlying issues that have led you to this current pain syndrome. I liked your own understanding of how you were 'never the difficult type'. So many of us on this TMS site were never the difficult type. Always striving to please, do better, cover up issues, be liked, etc. Even after ending a long marriage, you still have time to live a happy and new life that can bring you joy. It is difficult to move forward when you are still embroiled in the anger from past years, but it can be done. This old stuff can be let go of. Your new therapist can probably help with this. Change is difficult. Very difficult. Best wishes to you.
Lainey

 

Thanks Lainey for your very understanding and encouraging words! There is the anger and also shame. Some days ago I saw a children’s program on YouTube that I liked so much when I was a childsome and I bursted into tears. What Jan called abandonment was so very clear for me at this point. And that I abandoned myself. And then comes the shame part in. My psychotherapist told me that I should look at my former self with kindness and accept that there was no one who gave me good advice or would have supported me. I felt trapped and it is the same feeling I still have, not all the time but quite often. Especially in relation to my work load when I feel that I am in a treadmill .. which I actually am. It I could step outside of course.
So, I really want to make decisions that lead to a happier life. Somehow I hesitate to reach out to this, to the possibility of being happy. Last week I did much better, weekends are often difficult. Especially if I am spending them alone.
So, bottom line is that I know that the program works, but that I really need to stay with the program and not falling back into old and unhealthy patterns.
Thanks so much!

 

Lovely Pernille,

Your therapist is absolutely right in suggesting you treat your former self with kindness. The sad truth is narcissists often gravitate to the gentlest and most sensitive people and as you know, they can cause great damage.

Those times are over now. This is your time to shine. This is a new chapter. The good feelings will come and go as your spirit begins to realise and trust your new found freedom. Allow yourself to be with all the emotions that arise. You are grieving an old life and self while seeding a brand new one. You will be happy again. Happy, healthy and wise.

Sending you love,

Plum x

 

Thanks so much plum! This is so encouraging and emphatic at the same time. And I would love to be happy again, who doesn’t? Although sometimes I feel I don’t have a talent for being happy. Right now I have pain again, makes me feel helpless. And I am also very angry with myself that I am in that awlful situation again. I wrote another post about about that.
You say that all emotions that arise are allowed. That’s the difficult part. I start to learn to accept all the sadness and other negative emotions as they are there. I always wanted to turn them into something good, making them less hurtful. But now I just watch them and accept that they are there. I hope this helps ...
Thanks again!