Requesting support and being kind to yourself

On Day 4 of SEP, I was moved by the examples of how we treat ourselves unkindly on the TMS Recovery Program:

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Recovery_Program#Generate_Self_Compassion (TMS Recovery Program)

I had a major a-ha moment and broke down in tears after realizing I do the same thing, am SO unkind to myself and how/why I push love away when others offer it to me (it's a vicious cycle). Here's a story from my life that is a perfect metaphor:

While in Navy boot camp we had exams on various subject matter each week. One week, on the evening when we would receive our exam score, one of my RDC's came over and started chewing me out. "How in the world could you have done so lousy on your exam! I expected more from you! I'm SO disappointed that you could do SO horrible on such a simple test!" Well, as you can imagine, I was crushed and in tears (especially as a highly sensitive, perfectionist person). As he handed me my graded test, I saw a big Red A circled, 96%.

I realized this is how it is in my life with EVERYTHING I do. It doesn't matter how well I do, how many achievements I make, in my eyes, I could have always done better.

As various characteristics about myself are popping up in this self-awareness journey, there are more and more things about myself I don't like If I were myself and considering whether I wanted to befriend myself, I don't know if I'm the type of person that would want to be my own friend! That pessimistic side of me sees sides of myself that makes me believe I MUST be a horrible person.

I know this is a journey, a challenging one, and I'm not where I want to be...YET. I want to become that KIND person to myself. But when these "negative" traits pop up, my first reaction is to buckle and give up.

So, as hard as it is for me, I'm asking for some help, some outside perspective. I'm learning I'm the type of person that blows everything out of proportion.

Does anyone have any tips on how to return to that kind voice when you are filled with loathing? Any tips on how to seek another perspective?

 

I try to think of myself as a vulnerable child and how I would be kind to that child. I try to give myself a break for doing what I do when I'm unkind to myself, but then try to figure out why I'm acting that way. Is it because someone in my past made me feel like I'm not worthy? Then I tell myself that I AM worthy. And that I deserve to be loved and to love myself. Self-compassion is so important. Don't let the negative beliefs that you carry around take you down. Look at them for what they are, and get rid of them. Replace them with the truth--that there is love inside you--love that you can give to yourself.

 

I started doing mindfulness meditation and this really helps, as a central tenet is lovingkindness and self-compassion. I often meditate on this topic to counter the incredibly self-critical voice that can emerge from within. I picture myself having well-wishes for myself, telling myself that I am worthy, whole and complete exactly as I am. You can't always stamp out the self-critic but you can counter it with lovingkindness.