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Panic and personality... What next?

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by encee, Jul 23, 2015.

  1. encee

    encee Newcomer

    hi all,

    I'm relatively new to TMS but it already feels so powerful and enlightening. I'm becoming more and more aware of how my neck and back pain have been a response to personality traits that I surely developed to survive having a very wounded man as a father (controlling, bullying, verbally and physically abusive, sulky, unpredictable, and many more fun things) and the last straw came when i started developing anxiety and panic attacks in my early 30s (i'm 34 now.) In between that and chronic back pain that perfect X-rays and MRIs couldn't explain away, i knew something deeper was going on. I'm now on my healing journey but still have a job to keep.

    I realize that many of the pain and panic symptoms I have are in response to my perfectionism (when he paid attention to my report card, my father asked why I only got an A) but i'm unclear how to make peace with it - what to do next if the realization and the connection i make doesn't make the pain go away. A real world example - this morning my boss and I were elated to hear that we received a big grant at our nonprofit, but my joy privately and quickly turned to panic and stress about everything i would have to do to make sure I didn't "mess it up" (purely fictional doomsday predictions based on nothing at all.) I lost my breath and immediately started feeling a dull sciatic pain. Even though i know it's likely because my drill sergeant is giving some seriously outrageous orders and abuse ("you're already so behind" "you can't do this," "they should just hire someone else", "you don't know what you're doing," "don't f this up" etc) i'm not sure what to do next. Yell at the perfectionist? Talk to the inner child? Go for a run?

    I'm seeing a somatic experiencing therapist, which has been amazing but i'm still finding my legs in between twice monthly (expensive) sessions. I'd appreciate any advice on what to do once you've noticed the pain and realize it's a mask for an emotion... What are some next steps?

    thank you

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