Day 10 No change...

The SEP told me to make a Day 10 post, so here I am! Sorry in advance that this will get long-ish.

My vulvodynia and urinary frequency started a bit over two months ago, a week after going through a very stressful event. It's let up for periods of time, but has not gone away. My biggest struggle is that it bothers me at night, when I'm trying to sleep, and that ramps up my anxiety in the evening.

This week has not been as bad as others. My sleep has not been amazing, but it has been terrible. I have taken sleeping pills when I need to, but not every night. I try to listen to audiobooks until I drift off.

My evidence that this is TMS:

--It started with no physical provocation, after a very stressful event, when my mother was telling me about having similar symptoms.

--I jump from one discomfort to another. I have struggled with back pain, neck pain, reflux, wrist pain, IBS, hemorrhoids, foot pain. There are small pockets of time when nothing bothers me, but it's rare. And usually, I hyper focus on whatever the discomfort is.

--It went away for an entire week. If there were something physiologically and structurally wrong, how could that happen?

--It went away for a day after a very productive session with my new psychotherapist when I talked about the recent death of my father.

--When I feel stressed, the symptoms become MUCH more severe.

--Doctors have just diagnosed me with sudden onset of pelvic floor tightness.

--I have now read 4 books about TMS, and I see my personality type on every page.

--This exact same thing happened to me 15 years ago, and all the million suggestions from doctors did nothing to help me back then. I would get cured for a day or even a week, but the symptoms would keep coming back. They eventually faded out.

Here's where I'm stuck:

--I believe it's TMS, but I don't believe I can heal it.

--I'm scared I'll get to the end of the SEP and not be improved at all, which will be so depressing.

--The anxiety about sleep, which I can't seem to let go of, is keeping me from shrugging this off and not caring when it gets better. I care too much!

--I still believe that I must discover some magical topical salve and THAT will be what cures me, not the mind body work.

I am 100% willing to do the work. I have time to work on myself right now, and I'm doing it. But I can't seem to let go of my doubts that I will make progress.

 

Others will chime in here with wise comments so mine will be brief. The loss of your beloved father has put you in crisis. Your grief will override everything else for some time. Just allow yourself to mourn. Be gentle. Understand where you’re at. Allow your grief to come and go. It is a very big deal. Give it the room it needs.

 

Thank you. Prior to this, I had actually been impressed with myself at how well I was handling my grief. At the time he died, I genuinely thought I might never stop crying ever, but as time passed, I tried not to think about it because I didn't want to feel sad. So most of the time, I didn't feel sad. Maybe it was a mistake to repress those feelings though.

 

@Nightowl YES! I have had it where I'd be couple of days to a week without pain and then when it came back I was like what the heck!?! That was my conclusion too-after that happening multiple times-it has to be TMS. That and the fact that the pain moves all around. I read Dr. David Clarke's book and he recommends to find something you enjoy doing for at least 5 hours a week. I like that recommendation so if you haven't heard that before-definitely find something fun. At least it will get our focus off the pain and help us find things we enjoy again!

 

I am definitely trying to do all the activities I enjoy, although there are some limitations. The one thing I have cut out is socializing with friends not in my inner circle, pushing back dinners and other events for now. I wish I could do it, but I have noticed it ramps up my anxiety so much that it always feels like a step back. I recently started a dance aerobics program, and that's been bringing me some joy.

 

You know what? I still tear-up. The crying jags of hours and days eventually tapered as I learned to live with my beloved’s absence. But my point is that I do allow, even embrace, my feelings of loss no matter how long or short the duration. This is healthy. Tears are cleansing, relieving and entirely ok. I read that grief is the highest form of love. That statement meant so much to me. I hope it will resonate with you.

 

Thank you... it does. It just felt easier to try not to feel that pain and avoid it entirely. If I even feel a twinge of sadness, I'll force myself to think of something else and the sad feelings will go away. But maybe that isn't healthy. I've never had a huge loss like that in my life prior to this, so I am not experienced in dealing with it and I don't quite know how to grieve in a healthy way. I remember my mother got Bell's palsy in the year after her father died of a heart attack, so my family has a history of stuff like this.

Maybe I should make my next journaling about him, as painful as it will be.

 

Yes. Hard.