New here and struggle with fear ...

Hi, I joined the forum yesterday in the evening when I thought that I had enough of just sneaking around here. I am living in Denmark, originally I am German, I work as an university teacher and yes, I have a tendency to analyze things ...
I have pelvic pain and bladder pain for now 20 years. Not non stop, I had periods without any pain (like for 4 years or 7 months ...) Sometimes I am in pain only for a day or two, sometimes it lasts 3 months. It depends, well, the question is, on what? I want to figure this out, definitely!!
I had diagnostic procedures, first when it started. Result: nothing wrong. I myself went to a psychotherapist, stayed with her for 7 years (it was psychoanalysis!) Did it help? Yes and no. (Of course it cost me a fortune, though my insurance paid parts of it) I would say the close relation I established with the psychotherapist stabilized me. She was very familiar with psychosomatics and I felt safe with her. When I stopped I was pain free for wonderful 4 years ... Despite that these years were also the years of a horrible divorce. But no pain. My explanation: I simply did the right thing to leave a narcissistic husband who liked to make me suffer. Bad decision to marry him, I know now!
Then the pain came back, slowly. First only with exiting events, like giving important talks or dating again. I knew at that time: the pain will disappear as soon as I calmed down. Well, my career went well, my private life not. I had very humiliating experiences with some men, sorry to say this! And then the pain began to irritate me a lot. I started to investigate, ended on one of the web sides for interstitial cystitis. I went to doctors again. Had the diagnostic procedures. And, surprise, no interstitial cystitis. I am fortunate that I am not living in the US but in a country were they don't make money with the sick. After 4 years of struggeling - there were also periods with no pain at all - I found a wonderful urologist in Germany who is very much into psychosomatics. Her diagnosis was chronic pelvic pain that stems from a dysfunctional coping with emotions. As she said last time I visited her: go and have a life!!
I did so well the last 7 months. And now since almost three weeks I am in pain again. Why? I think my problem is that I don't have a life. Not a full life. Holiday started, I am still working, friends are on vacation and I am alone. And being alone can also be loneliness. Not so good for me.
And it is very clear to me: when I don't have pain I am 120% convinced that all this is psychological. And then, when the pain is there I get doubts, not real doubts, but enough to make me afraid. I am afraid of eating things that might hurt (what has to be avoided according to the IC diet). It's just a little nagging doubt in the back of my head. My rational self says:rubbish, you know it's wrong. And the doubt whispers: then, why are you in pain?
So, I need sometimes some support to stick to the path of TMS. And sometimes answers to questions I have. I find this forum very I inspiring!!!
That's it for now. Greeting to all of you from Denmark!
Yours
Time2be

 

Welcome to the Forum! I hope you have seen the New Program by Alan Gordon on the Forum under the sub-forum General Discussion. It is focused on the relationship of fear to TMS.

Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are all here to support one another on our healing journeys.

 

Thanks Ellen! I have seen the program and what I read was very helpful. I am doing better since two days, I think also because I finally accepted some emotions I otherwise tried to repress.
I like your signature motto, it is so true. Accepting things as they are - that's also the first step if you want to change something.