Need encouragement/thoughts

Hi all,

I need encouragement and help. (Sorry for my bad formatting and English, not my first language)


Some history.

I have had issues like floaters/burning tongue/dizziness/eye burn all my life.(Comes and goes, mostly I am OK). I have been diagnosed for this as having "Somatic OCD".

I have been treated with "graded exposure" by a therapist. Here is one sample link of how I was treated. https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/somatic-ocd-exposures-explanation-examples (What Are Somatic OCD Exposures? Explanation and Examples)


More recently.

It started with my acute back injury that healed in a month but then I had this residual tiredness/tightness that would come and go.


I kept on obsessing and reading about it and then scared myself into thinking I have a chronic backache that will never go away.

I then stumbled upon "Alan Gordon" YouTube videos and discovered that this is just phyco-somatic. (Discovered this last week). Phew relief, right?

But then I started reading the TMS forums and all the symptoms people have been dealing with and that affected me badly. Seeing all the symptoms and suffering. I tend to focus on people still suffering more than the recovery stories (Negative mindset).


However, this time I feel like a coward. Never before was my Somatic OCD causing pain. And now I feel terrified. Somatic OCD can also invent pain???? I am doomed!!!

Pain is not that much (2/3 out of 10). Sometimes goes away for hours as well. If I do anything that requires focusing, the pain goes away.

Sometimes the pain moves to my tailbone which is more uncomfortable than back (makes me freak out for a bit), but moves away to some other part of back in a few hours or if I get busy.

The issue is not that I think my pain has a physical root cause. The issue I have is the lack of belief in myself "do I have what it takes to recover?" Will I always be scared of pain from now on?

Here are my negative thoughts that go in a loop.

"It’s Somatic, means I can make it worse if I obsess/worry. I am known for worrying".

"What if the pain which is 2/3 keeps on increasing to 10? It already seems to be getting a little worse over the last week."

"What if this evolves into full fibromyalgia?"

"Where is my pain. I have not felt it for a few minutes. OMG here it is!!! and then get anxiety symptoms like fast heartbeat. Pain also increases.". This goes on in a loop.

I am getting terrified that this loop that I cannot break out of will keep on increasing my pain severity.

The worst thing that has happened is that I have not had proper sleep for the last week. Since I keep on looking for the (arguably) very mild pain and when I spot it, I am anxious and wide awake. Insomnia has caused depersonalization.

Now I have also developed anxiety and anxiety symptoms because of insomnia.

I booked an appointment with two therapists. Will meet both this week.

The first one is an OCD specialist. I need her to help me with exposure to my (mild) pain and the resulting feelings ("The pain will increase over time. I can never fix this.") non-judgmentally and response prevention (searching forums etc. or trying to distract myself). I am scared to do it alone. This will help me with the paralysis I am in hopefully. Hopefully she will agree to this approach. Hopefully this will cause a reduction in anxiety of pain over time.

The second therapist I am meeting is to help me with some short term medication for my anxiety/sleep like Buspar (very mild non-addictive anti-anxiety) or Amitriptyline (for its great sedative effects and low libido side effects as my libido is already low). My thinking is that if something can help me sleep a little, make me slightly less anxious, I can do "graded exposure" and somatic checkins. I am too afraid right now.

I know that mindfulness and CBT will also help, but I am too afraid/sleepless/bewildered right now.

I know I can substitute positive thoughts like the following. But if only I could just be a little less bewildered and less of a coward.

"I have dealt with somatic disorders all my life. This is a little different, but I can do this."

"Whenever I am busy, the pain goes away which means recovery is very near."

"This negative thought that I observed is just a thought. I am being mindful of it and letting it go."

"Over time, mindfully accepting negative thoughts will cause them to lose power. Fear will reduce and so will anxiety and pain"


Any comments/feedback welcome. What do you think of my approach?

Any wisdom/encouragement desperately needed.

PS: Also, it is evening time now. Am scared to face another sleepless night.

 

One more think I forgot to mention that since I am hyper-focusing on the pain, I have either made it worse or just now noticing that sometimes it sparks (a very minor spark). But every time it sparks, it catches my attention and also produces anxiety symptoms. And it is not the spark that is distressing but instead the anxiety it creates "Its getting worse, now it's sparking, what next?"
I know in my heart that if I only dispassionately observe the spark and anxiety symptoms, they will lose their power but I am too overwhelmed. So that is why have booked the therapist for OCD exposure. Feel like a failure that I am not able to do it myself.

 

I have not a particular answer but I am impressed of a fact...
You say you overcame the dizziness but you are now afraid of the pain. I learned about Sarno when I had back and leg issues- I couldn't even walk and applying the simplest: I will do whatever I want, it won't hurt me, pain subsided within a month... ( In fact I began with my favourite: sea and swimming) But... I cannot overcome the symptoms of dizziness, floating sense etc.
I am wondering. Are we stuck to what we are afraid more???
Maybe, you can give us some insight about facing dizziness and so. Did it disturb you? What were you thinking? When I get dizzy, I lay on the couch. When working, I am just desparate to finish, cannot concentrate. It is more difficult when I am sick etc.

 

I remember I would just take breaks. Try to turn my head less to avoid more dizziness but still do all the work. Sometimes would feel nausea and would lie down to let it pass. Over time this became my new life.
Then one day I noticed I had not felt dizziness for the last few hours and as soon as I noticed, the dizziness came back lol. Such breaks started happening more and more. Slowly I do not ever remember but the dizziness lifted.

 

Lucky you!
It is the same with the pain. I did not pay much attention, I was not interested and passed...
I wish you patience and luck to your new journey

 

Xara, what kind of pain did you have?

 

Also here is a video I found which talks about ignoring negative thoughts. Check it out. It starts at 490 seconds where his main point is.

 

I had neck pain besides back pain and ( I don't know the exact name in English) my leg hurt from toe to hip in an extraordinary level, this is sciatica I think)
Neck pain hasn't completely left but it is ok. Pilates and swimming has helped a lot - i am not a sporty type, one or two times per week for some months

 

Thanks Xara was your pain such that it would grab your attention (like sparking pain?). How did you learn to ignore that or be less anxious by that?

 

Well, I need to explain some things, as thoroughly as I can...I had first neck pain, got the mris etc and have been frightened from the doctors... They said I have deteriorated discs, some other stuff, there is no hope of improving and so. One year frightened and in pain (and dizziness). After a year, I had accupuncture, desparate enough I tried everything. I had also visited all kind of doctors. Accupuncture indeed helped neck pain... but when neck pain subsided, back pain emerged...It was an excruciating pain that overwhelmed my brain, almost couldn't walk, cried lying on the bed and feeling that I will never have a normal life again. I got suspicious then. What is the pain that moves around? Is it logic? I went to another doctor who told me I am stage before fibro...That my myoskeletical system is as of 70 year old (I was 35!)) It is then, when I found Sarno looking for hope and he was speaking especially about back pain. I hadn't the time to be so so afraid, as with other symptoms. I never believed that I have a problem with my back, it made no sense, so I began walking a little and the leg ached and was telling my mind, ooo, I know what it is, don't bother, it will pass. Besides, I was not very ashamed of this symptom, because it is very common among people, so you don't blame your self- it doesn't bother or brings you anxiety. On the contrary, I had been for years afraid and blaming myself about the other symptoms.
I made the SEP program, thanks to Jan. Made some progress. Scratching the surface, I realized I had much much oppressed feelings, without even knowing what they are (anger obviously, but why?). I applied the Sarno method, but the symptoms moved around, changed to something else, every time something new, among with the old ones . So, I assumed I have some issues to solve... I began psychotherapy. Systemic approach.
So yes, there are issues to address. I didn't have any major trauma in my childhood, so I couldn't believe I am so traumatised!
Why do I write all these things? To explain ( I find it difficult, as english is not my native language) something that I realized after years: I, you, we, need to understand our core beliefs that make us feeling this way, feelings that turn to symptoms due to very specific mechanism of our bodies (cortizone, adrenaline and so) among with not being afraid of them and soothing ourselves. I practiced only on the second because I couldn't really see, realize what I was feeling. It needs practice and time for those who didn't do it in childhood, as for other skills, eg a language.
I think these feelings are the same somehow in all of as: the fear of being abandoned. Tmsers try very very hard to keep their relationships at the expense of their own needs, being perfectionists, not conflicting, feeling responsible for everything, ashamed etc, because sometime in the past had to do it and it worked. This is pressure. (Gabor helped me a lot in this, and I thank again Jan, she recommended his book on her profile).
Take your time. The fact is that our society gives no time to people, judging without mercy, we have to be fast, to accomplish without stop, to be perfect, we take a pill and go on without a glince to our hearts. I did it. I try no to do it. We deserve to be loved and love ourselves, to be accepted and accept ourselves as we are.

 

Same here, @Xara! We are very similar, maybe that's why my recommendations resonated with you.

I agree 100%.Abandonment and/or isolation are HUGE core issues for us humans.

Great post, and good work

~Jan