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Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by Steve Ozanich, Apr 23, 2014.

  1. Steve Ozanich

    Steve Ozanich TMS Consultant

    Ok, Miffy, I want to turn my focus toward you. I just read a post by you in another thread, and you're getting it. You're correct when you say that Steve's message is about Truth. Good job!

    For now... I want you to think about the message of this scene that I've been harping on for years. Not sure if people are getting it:

    North Star and Msunn like this.
  2. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    When I first saw this movie, "Good Will Hunting," I thought this ending was a "Hollywood ending."
    Since knowing about TMS I've changed my mind completely and think it is some of the best advice:
    "It's not your fault." So stop the guilt and self-anger and bullying and get on to live a happier life.
  3. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Steve,
    Thank you so much for that! I never realized how much pressure I put on myself and how mean I talk to myself all day. I'm starting to realize that my life matters and I deserve to be happy just as everyone else does. I've been carrying the burden of guilt over so many decisions and mistakes I made re: my son. The fact of that matter is that I did my absolute best with what I knew at the time and I can honestly say that I gave it a thousand percent. There were early years when I thought I had to be Annie Sullivan (The Miracle Worker) for him. It's such a relief to just be his mom at this point. I'm tryimg to make peace with where I'm at at this moment and not feel like a TMS failure. I deserve a break just as everyone else on this forum! Thanks again! And thank you Walt for including me in your book! That's quite an honor!
  4. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Miffybunny. I'm glad that you're easing up on yourself regarding your guilt. You did everything you could for your son.
    A cousin had a sister who had a lifelong struggle with schizophrenia and died recently. The surviving cousin spent a lot of her
    life trying to help her sister who was in institutions for more than 40 years, and still feels guilty that she didn't do enough.
    No one could have done more than she!

    I've loved your posts and thought if I mentioned you in the book that readers would go to them in the Wiki forums.
    North Star likes this.
  5. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Walt,
    Thank you so much! That's a great compliment coming from someone I respect greatly. By the way, I looked up Rhonda Fleming and I'm quite impressed! They don't make them like that anymore! lol.
  6. BrianC

    BrianC Well known member

    Excellent movie and excellent ending. That movie always really spoke to me.
    I've understood how important forgiving myself is for a long time, but I didn't know how to authentically do it. That was always the problem.
    Just saying I forgive myself is different than authentically doing it. I finally have a way to do that with the Presence Process. It facilitates bringing up those old emotions so I can experience them and accept them by just being with them unconditionally. I never understood that's what unconditional love was, which is quite the opposite of pushing away the emotions I don't like.
    Great movie clip! :)
  7. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Never saw that movie…loved this clip. Had a few tears welling up...
  8. Steve Ozanich

    Steve Ozanich TMS Consultant

    Did you get the deeper meaning in the clip Miffy? In the scene Robin Williams, as the therapist, points to Will's psychological file that shows he was beaten and verbally abused as a child. Sean then tells him, "it's not your fault."

    Most people would say, "I already know that..." But they don't know that they're still blaming themselves at deeper levels. Psychiatrist McKenzie helped me with my book. I remember him telling me that all children blame themselves for things that go "wrong." But--they also don't want to be in the situation, dividing their minds in conflict between self-blame and not wanting to care at all.

    Another aspect of that clip is his initial self-denial, or as I've used "self-deception." We convince ourselves that the lie is the truth, and we live every day thinking we are handling it. But our behavior and our symptoms tell us that we're not handling it as much as it's handling us. When the shadow is denied it grows stronger and can eventually control us in odd behavior, or in ill-health.

    If you have symptoms, then you are not what you are pretending to be. One of the basic tenets of Ayurvedic healing is that people are sick and in pain because they can't show their true faces. Healing takes great courage and personal growth to unravel the Self. We can't heal with meds and surgeries, they only hide the problem, they don't solve anything.

    Let me know how you're doing, lady with the soft voice. There's someone in you that wants to scream and yell. She doesn't like to have to be gentle and kind. But remember, as with Will Hunting, your scars have made you great in many aspects.

  9. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    LOVED what you just said, Steve. It was the third time today I heard this message from different sources. Ya think someone's trying to tell me something? ;)
  10. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Steve,
    Thank you so much for thinking of me! There must be some kind of synchronicity in the air because like North Star , I was arriving at certain insights today. You are right, I needed to go deeper. I'm starting to see the cognitive dissonance I've been living with my whole life and more starkly since my younger son was born. My true desires do not match my beliefs at all. I believed that as a mom I should bare the burden of "fixing" my son along with dealing with many issues that no mother should have to do. I definitely didn't sign up for "this"! I used to think I couldn't physically deal with all the messes and medical stuff and tantrums etc. but now I know I can't handle it emotionally. It becomes dehumanizing and it's damaging my relationship with my own child. I need a break and I deserve to have some semblance of a life. There is great wisdom in that concept as well as in your book which I consider to be a "magnum opus". A highlighter died in the reading of it!

    I hope these experiences will make me a better person in the long run. I don't take things for granted anymore that's for sure.
    North Star likes this.
  11. Steve Ozanich

    Steve Ozanich TMS Consultant

    Hey lady of the Northern Stars, third time is the charm, "as they say," the universe is trying to tell you something. But Mark Twain also said, "All lies begin with the words, 'they said'..." The important thing is that it was the third time you "heard it." The answers are always inside us, but we're not always listening.

    Miff, you wrote something earlier that was good, you said you deserved to be happy. That's it! When I was healing I was always saying affirmations like, "My back is ok...I'm healing...." But the affirmation gurus were saying things like, "I deserve to be happy..I am worthy to be loved." I didn't get it at the time but I do now. They were affirming the deeper things, the things that caused the pains. As we know, most physical pain comes from hidden emotional pain. So, why not go directly to the heart of the emotional pain? The heart of emotional pain comes from rejection, or isolation, or alone-ness. ~~~> separation. And the main drivers of these things are guilt and shame which of course fuel the fear of further isolation and rejection. Yin yangy thingy...

    As Karen Horney MD, wrote, there are 3 ways to handle this separation, 3 ways to cope with the neurosis of separation. One way is to become compliant through people-pleasing, going along, being nice (having a soft sweet voice), another way to cope is to become unassailable, which means to achieve repeatedly, eg, awards and trophies, succeeding; 'rising above' in order to not get rejected again, A third way to cope is through aggression. That's the method Will Hunting chose. I urge people to watch that movie. Will chose to fight the world instead of playing along in the reindeer games. All 3 of these coping mechanisms are meant to achieve the same goal, to prevent further heartache of rejection and to stabilize the neurosis. Remember, Carl Jung said that he felt neurosis was a healing thing, a stabilizing force. Also remember, that psychotic people don't have symptoms, so you're mentally ok. TMS is not a mental disorder. You're ok, you just have some issues you're trying to cope with. So don't worry about your mental health.

    No matter which method you have chosen to cope, it is hiding your true feelings. The melt-down catharsis Will had in the video clip above tells it all. The persona he had built for others to see was a facade. It wasn't real. It was meant to prevent him from experiencing the painful emotions he was burying inside. I suggest to you MiffyB, that you want to melt-down and cry like that too, and I'm sure you have from time to time. But there's more to it than that. The "Helenic" catharsis is rare, and Good Will Hunting is only a movie.

    There's more work to be done. But your painful emotions are right near the surface. The proof is in your symptoms. The more severe the physical symptoms the more painful the emotional experience you're preventing from surfacing. One key is in perception. Begin to see the pained one in you, you are not who you are currently pretending to be. Let the real bunny speak. Your body is speaking for her because she either doesn't know how to express her pain, or she fears the magnitude of the expression of her pain. The woman behind the MiffyBunny is afraid of her anger. So she speaks softly and carries a big pain. She watches things like MiffyBunny to soothe the fires of her rage.

    Today is your day. Start your new life today. You have the power to heal. But it takes great courage. You can't sit and wait for healing to come, you have to change. And of course change is the most frightening aspect of life. Change involves letting go of current knowledge and perceptions and diving into the unknown.

    Healing takes a re-connecting. We suffer because we isolate ourselves emotionally to spare further heartache. I can see clearly in the people I consult with that there's a loneliness factor. Loneliness is rejection is fear is anger is un-whole. The best show I've ever done was called Body Talk Health Show with Mimi Stoneburner. It was a great show because Mimi let me talk about TMS, she didn't ask questions just to hear herself speak. She threw me softball questions and let me hit them out of the park. Normally you get a quick soundbite and don't get to follow up further to explain. Near the end of the hour she asked me what healing all came down to? I said "It's clear that these people just want to know if anyone cares."

    The physical pain is the deeper self asking for help, crying to be connected again. But the person doesn't know how to do it. So they freeze, turn inward, isolate further, and suffer alone. They often reach out to anonymous pain groups and non-threatening books to try to find a way to connect, longing to find anyone that cares.

    I care about you Miffy

    tigerlilly and North Star like this.
  12. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Miffy Bunny. I'm glad you're better and have decided you don't need to be a Miracle Worker for
    your son or anyone. Not even for ourselves, which is what many people have to realize.
    We an expect more out of ourselves than humanly possible. Do our best is all we should ask of ourselves.
    North Star likes this.
  13. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Steve,
    I cried earlier today and you are making me cry again but in a good way! You are right about feeling separation from others. Feeling apart from others is at the core of my suffering. I wish I could hear that interview....I listened to the one you did with Dr. Miller (talk about a voice!!) and it was excellent. This site is a great source of comfort to me but I know I should reach out to friends more as well. I received a few emails re: my college reunion next year and it filled me with anxiety since I don't feel like myself.
    Walt, you are right...I'm no Annie Sullivan!
    I want to let you know that I care about you both, along with everyone else who posts here.
    North Star likes this.
  14. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Miffybunny, we care about you, too. All of us at TMSWiki.

    I feel separation too, since one of my last best friends moved to Denver.
    We had gotten together for dinners and margaritas every month or so,
    and he held great bar-b-ques at his house and yard for spring, the 4th of July,
    and autumn. We will be in touch by phone and email, but it isn't the same

    I still have family and some friends around so I'm not alone.

    And of course I have my darling dog, Annie, and you great friends at TMS.

    And we have the great memories of being with our friends who have moved or left us.
    North Star likes this.
  15. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    MiffyBunny, I wish I could come over and spell you off. And then I'd take you out for a day of pampering and laughter. I've thought of you more than once when I find my frustrations rising over my son. He has stretched me in ways I never thought humanly possible. And now my youngest child is pushing his limits with us. It just gets exhausting!

    Anyway. I started working through Dr. Schubiner's workbook and am very excited - and scared- to be digging into this. He really walks you through specific steps to healing. I feel like it's a therapist in a box sort of thing. (I would love to get therapy to help but it just ain't in the budget.) I did the SEP with some healing but it's clear I have much more work to do.

    Some of the dialog samples he lays out really rattled my cage. A father admitting he hated his son. Wished he was never born. I was HORRIFIED. I could feel my ego shrieking in horror. And my true self wondering if…at last…I will finally give room for some painfully honest (and horrifying) feelings. Dr. Schubiner doesn't leave him wallowing in his pain though. We walks through to a healthy resolution and deep love for his son.

    Motherhood is not what I had pictured. Many of my TMS symptoms kicked in when my three kids were toddlers. The lack of support from family probably contributed to the mess. (My inlaws couldn't handle my oldest kid…the one who was diagnosed PDD-NOS/ADHD/SID. And to really kick the fun up a notch, there was a very clear, "Suck it up, you had kids, you deal with them" judgmental attitude - with a dose of religion heaped on top for good measure.)

    I'm not going to pretend for a second, MiffyBunny, that what I've dealt with even approaches your day to day reality. My son is living mostly independently now and it is my understanding that teenage boys eventually grow a brain by the time they're around 24 or so. :)

    I just want you to know you're not alone in your journey to connect with the nitty gritty honest feelings of motherhood and to heal. And btw, I know many mothers of special needs' kids and all of them…and I mean ALL of them…have health issues that I see as TMS. I would guess the conflict these moms deal with is of epic proportions.

    Thinking of you with much love….
  16. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi North Star,
    Thank you so much for thinking of me:) You are right about the inner discord being epic. I love my son so dearly but there isn't a day that goes by I don't wonder why he's here and there are many times (I'm ashamed to say) that I wish I never had a second child. It's so hard to reconcile such disparate emotions. My son almost died in Sept 2012. He stopped breathing and after 45 min of trying to ventilate him in the E.R., he was airlifted to another hospital where he stayed in intensive care for a week. It was so traumatic that I'm not sure I've even processed it. A couple of people asked me if there was a part of me that would have been relieved if he died. The answer is no ( I was so grateful to God he lived!!) but the question was an honest one and I didn't take offence to it. It's difficult to even write about it but I believe it's part of the process. Mom's have so much pressure but I'm working on that as well!
    Ellen and North Star like this.
  17. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Yeah, having a safe place where one can honestly and safely discuss these things is where healing and connection can happen.

    Parents are under so much pressure today. I really hope you have supportive family and friends around you, MiffyBunny.

    I've been thinking of you a lot the past few days; know that you're in my prayers when I think of you.
  18. Gigi

    Gigi Well known member

    Thanks for the clip, Steve. I've never seen the movie.
    I'm sorry for all you're dealing with, MiffyBunny. I'm so glad you have this place in which to feel safe and loved.
  19. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Miffy Bunny. Poor kid, you're going through so much. Like North Star and Gigi and others tell you,
    we and our prayers are with you and your son and your whole family.

    I read about people asking why God gives good people bad things. More than one religious person
    said it is to bring us closer to Him. If we don't have the bad things and just live a carefree life,
    we never seem to need Him. When things get hard in our lives, we seek Him and we find Him
    and the peace He brings us. God love you and I hope you can be good to yourself and find ways
    to be happy. Maybe this is through counting the blessings you do have.
  20. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi North Star, Gigi and Walt and Steve,
    Thank you all so much for reaching out to me. I'm so grateful to have you all in my life.

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