Just Want a Break From the Pain After Exams

So there's normal tired, TMS tired, quarantine tired, screen-fatigue tired. Oh why not feel it all at once?

Thanks for squeezing my head in a vice grip for 5 hours today while I was taking a test and constantly making me sleepy and distracted a few days ago for a long project. And this is a "self-defense mechanism"? Not when it lasts more than a few weeks. I've had so many good almost pain free days that I am thankful for and love to look back on. I haven't had a symptom free day since the first day of the lockdown and the post-withdrawal hell that followed.

I feel like I still go back to same old fear and pain no matter how much I know about this.
I can't take a pill for it. It's not predictable. It follows my mood and thoughts. It can have an impact on my future health.
If it isn't flaring up it's nagging at me, or the fear of it is nagging at me.
I'm back to normal except for tests and the usual bad habits but it's still there.

I want to learn to drive without pain. I want to live my life without pain. I wish I never put this stuff off for years because I now have to do it with not just anxiety but anxiety and pain. I feel like I'm never fully better(pre-TMS), like I'm somewhere in between. Why do the "pain circuits" have to be permanent? Why should I suffer from the slightest trigger? Why can't my tolerance go up and my threshold go down? Why can't I go back to my pre-TMS body and if not, how do I adapt to the more sensitive one I have now?

I've lasted this long without any medication, without a perfect routine, with a TMS diagnosis and with a clear extinction burst emotion pain cycle pattern. What more does it take for it to go away?

I've chosen to move on with my life, exercising, thinking well, all the stuff the body actually needs and what is actually good for it. But the pain doesn't really care. If I'm not 100% happy, I feel something. If I'm tired, I'll feel something. If I'm stressed, I'll feel something. Either I'm too numb and too overemotional. It's still not happy. It still wants something else.

I don't like where I am right now but I just wish my body wasn't screaming at me. I try to take care of it, but it feels like a burden. If I accept myself as I am, how can I improve? How do I accept myself as I am and still work towards something better. I'm not happy with how sensitive I can be. I wish I could change that part of me. I feel like none of my strengths have really gotten a chance to flourish during this tough time and the nice parts of my personality have fallen out of use due to the preoccupation with pain.

I want to be healthy. I just want to be free of pain. It's constantly bothering me. I want to be kindhearted but not withdrawn, anxious, and oversensitive.

Journaling makes me ruminate. Talking to my brain is ok but boring. Facts are your friend. I want to actually delve into my interests and passions and journey on my future. I want to get things right but don't like it to be too set either. I feel like it's either corporate/successful/stable track or yoga teacher/blogger/artist/freelance unpredictable stuff. No idea how to piece it all together. Side hobbies are like 2x the time management and commitment but I don't want a limited, boring life, you know? Can life get a little slower? Just a little?

Just when you find what you need to do. You know you have to get enough sleep, exercise, free time, social life, etc. your unconscious still thinks it's "hard" and more minutes, hours, days, weeks, etc. of your attention get diverted into this ridiculous waste of time and energy. Nothing but excuses. Pushing through doesn't work anymore though!

Being a good person shouldn't make you have symptoms. Being fearful and bored does. Live and work smart not hard. Got to find that "cure" of a mindset!

 

Could it be exactly what is giving you this pain? BTW, your choice does not have to be once and forever. You can still take one road and then change your mind. As someone who ended up taking the path of stability and paid the price, with migraines, pains and serious anxiety, I am glad I am stable financially, but it took a big chunk of life out of me. There is also a possibility of doing the latter part time in addition to a corporate career. What do you think?