1. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this link: http://go.tmswiki.org/newprogram
    Dismiss Notice

Day 10 I need to make a change

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by TMS.no.more, Sep 3, 2015.

  1. TMS.no.more

    TMS.no.more New Member

    After reading quite a bit of material, I want to change my username because I feel like it reinforces the fear of the pain. Is there a way I can do that? I tried yesterday but couldn't seem to find a way. I guess I might just have to delete this profile and create new one.
    I am trying to be more aware of when I'm resisting the pain, and other things like tools that I've learned to help question my thoughts.
    I did the journal exercise today and wrote an unsent letter to my 19 year old daughter. I love her dearly but she can really get my emotions going. I feel so many different emotions toward her but I repress them because I want to remain calm and less reactive than she is.
    I also did the Question to Ponder which was "Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions. What is preventing you from telling this person how you feel?" The answer was my husband. What prevents me from sharing my emotions with him is that I'm afraid he will judge me, or feel like it's his fault, or that he will get fed up with me (which I think he already is because he ask me every day how I'm feeling) and leave me.
    SunnyinFL and JanAtheCPA like this.
  2. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, so tired. You should ask Forest how to change your username. I will ask him to contact you.

    Don't give up hope. The TMS healing is a process. Don't worry that your husband will leave you if you share your emotions with him.
    His love for you is stronger than that. He asks how you feel each day because he loves you.

    Stick with the SEP. It really helps in healing from TMS.
    TMS.no.more likes this.
  3. SunnyinFL

    SunnyinFL Well known member

    Hi So Tired,

    I had a couple of ideas when reading your post. I hope they might be helpful. First, anytime you have any sort of issue with the wiki, please go back and look at the home page. There is a "contact" button you can click. Also, if you haven't just spent a little time hunting around and seeing what is available and where, it can help. Sounds like you are still relatively new; so, no worries! You'll get to know the site and find what's most helpful to you as you explore.

    About the unsent letter and all the emotions a teenager can stir up . . . please know that you can feel your emotions without expressing them and without repressing them. I can relate to wanting to remain calm and not react; but, that doesn't mean you need to stuff your feelings down. Please be patient with yourself as you explore your emotions and work through the course. The SEP really works some magic if you just allow yourself to open up and experience each step. Just sitting back and allowing can feel foreign to people like me who are classic Type As, but it works. I have found that the pain pointed to things I needed, needed to do, and needed not to do. But I couldn't force any of these realizations; I just had to be patient and allow my feelings to float to the surface and sit with them and gradually came to understand what I needed to act on or not act on.

    About your husband . . . I bet a lot of people share similar fears about their partners. But, I don't really believe that a person with integrity and good character would leave their spouse just because they have TMS. And, it's not necessarily a "bad" thing to not tell him everything. I would guess that a lot of spouses wouldn't have any idea how to help or what wouldn't help, so maybe try coaching him with a few simple steps. For instance, it's probably not good if he asks you how you feel or about your pain because then your whole relationship could focus on the pain, which would reinforce the pain, and would be counter-productive. On the other hand, if he asks you what you're learning about yourself, it may allow you to express some feelings you've noticed and allow you to get closer. Overall, though, it would probably help your healing to try to just enjoy life with your spouse. For many people, just forgetting about or not caring about the pain and "getting back to life" is healing in and of itself.

    Please let me know if any of these ideas help, and good luck!
    JanAtheCPA, mike2014 and TMS.no.more like this.
  4. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    I wish STOTP that my soon to be ex wife would ask me how i am feeling but she does not i come to relize after 22 yrs of being with someone you never really know them like to think. Like Walt said hang it there this process for most of us is like cold molasses if you do the work it will gradually get better every day stay out of the past and the future there are no cures or answers there.
    God Bless
    TMS.no.more likes this.
  5. TMS.no.more

    TMS.no.more New Member

    Sorry to hear that your marriage has ended. My pain began as a result of mine almost ending 6 years ago, and I have a HUGE fear of abandonment. So I was in freeze mode for 3 months while he decided if he wanted to stay or leave and I didn't have the courage to tell him to shit or get of the pot. My therapist at the time had to tell him. I know he loves me but I still haven't managed to conquer that fear yet. I appreciate your advice to stay out of the past and the future. Thanks
    SunnyinFL and JanAtheCPA like this.
  6. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    It gets easier at the moment we are leaving together no divorced yet working out some issues…I am not ready to move on to a new relationship until this one is finalized we have kids in school so we are trying to figure out how and where we would live until they finished. I am finally coming to grips with certain issues I told her I forgave her for her affairs but at the time I could not leave I had a sick child to take care of so that was tops on my list ( he better know).
    That was 5 years ago it was over then but I needed to make sure he was going to be ok. So know it just a matter of logistics.

    Move on don't wait for him…forgive yourself forgive him and start to get happy again.

    Much care
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  7. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Good for you, ST you are getting it! And yes, I'm reasonably sure that Forest can do this for you - I hope so, anyway, because it would be a shame to lose your early posts - it's part of your process and your journey.
    SunnyinFL likes this.

Share This Page