Day 1 Hopeful RSI Recovery

Hi all,
My story: I have spent my entire life using the computer poorly. In particular, I have spent the last 5 years running a successful online business (which means a LOT of computer time) from my couch, hunched over my laptop. I have never experienced any type of pain due to this. But I always kind of suspected my fondness for un-ergonomic positions might catch up with me some day. I somehow expected it.

This year was that year. One day out of nowhere, about a year ago, my forearm started hurting. So I tried a more ergonomic setup for a while. I felt some relief. Then it flared up and suddenly it moved into my hand AND my forearm. Over the past year it's gotten worse then better then worse again.. worse every time it comes back, and being "ergonomic" or using my left hand does seem to help, but certainly doesn't seem to be making it go away for good.

Overall the pain is fairly mild, but it's certainly bothersome. Unlike most on here, I haven't really restricted my activity much, and I haven't been to the gamut of doctors. Mainly because I assume all the doctors will say is just "sit properly".

I've read Sarno's book and fully believe TMS is a real thing and that it very well might be my problem. Frankly, I WANT it to be my problem. I don't want to spend my life trying different therapies before I find out it was TMS all along.

But I admit I am having a hard time really believing that it could be entirely TMS, and that if I don't try harder to rest my arm, or restrict my computer or activities, that it won't just get worse. It's scary for me to believe it's not structural because ..."What if"? After all, it does make sense to me that excessive repetitive use like this could lay down scar tissue, or create an injury that can't heal that would result in inflammation of the tendons or muscles. I mean, really.... shouldn't I fully rest it in order to heal??? Like any injury???

However, there are certainly a lot of things that match up that it could be TMS.

- I can cook, work out, play racket sports, paint, do construction, and pretty much anything else and I don't really notice the pain. I only really seem to notice it when I am using the computer (and to a lesser degree my phone)

- My online business has gotten to the point where it mostly runs itself, and I have to do not a ton of work anymore to keep it going. So oddly enough, I have actually spent less time on the computer this year than ever before. Yet this is the year the pain has started.

- Massage does seem to help some, which is consistent with the poor blood flow theory

- Speaking of my online business, I don't really enjoy it anymore. However, it makes me a great living and since I have to do not that much work in it anymore, it allows me a LOT of free time to do things I really like. I'm honestly in a position most people dream of. But the work I do have to do I don't like... the passion is gone. It would kind of make sense if this is playing into my arm's "aversion" to the computer. There's certainly pressure there to keep doing it, as I need to pay the bills and am not sure of what I would do instead. I'm very afraid to just dump it.

- And then to my personality. I certainly wouldn't call myself the type who desires to please other at the expense of myself, but I am certainly the type who wants everything to be perfect FOR myself. I am a do-er, I am motivated to make - and keep - my life awesome. I know I've got a sweet life, and I am ULTRA attached to it. If I have problems or something in my life just isn't exactly "right", I will do things to solve it or mold it to my liking. I will never just sit and wait for the problem to pass. I don't believe problems will pass unless I force them to go away with action, and that I'll basically be miserably forever if I don't. As a result of all this, I am also absolutely terrified of: illness, disability, death, and the horrors of the world (and guilt over my privileged life) make me sick to my stomach with fear if I think about them. However, most of the time, I don't think about these things. Because I don't want to think about them. I'd prefer to not face them. I don't know HOW to face them, when, after all, they are not reality and only "what ifs".

- The events that directly preceded the pain starting was that I had a bit of a rough year with a few different difficult events, and then I went to South America with my husband and participated in three nights of an Ayahuasca ceremony. It was absolutely horrific for me. It showed me every potential horror I was terrified of, in such realness... it was like experiencing intense torture the entire time. But the message was loud and CLEAR: Trust and Let Go. Bad things happen in life. Trust the process ... accept the pain... and let go. But of course I couldn't do it. How could I trust something that made me feel like that? How could I accept pain like this?

I went home from that trip, and I ended up with both an anxiety problem that I never had before.... and this arm pain.

Anyway - writing this... it seems a bit like "duh, of course it's TMS". But so far just reading the book and telling my brain to shut up here and there hasn't resulted in much progress.

But I am now starting the structured recovery program and today is day one! So thanks for reading and your support. Any comments welcome, especially from those also struggling with RSI.

 

Hi, Tracybean. Welcome to the TMS Forum. You have come to the right place to heal. You now need to increase your belief in TMS to 100 percent. You must have had a very bad reaction from that Ayahuasca ceremony and it left you with anxiety and fear about your health and doubt about recovery. You have just begun the SEProgram and will be asked to do some journaling to discover emotions that causing your pain. Your post says you have personality traits that are common causes of TMS pain... perfectionism, maybe being over-active. I would concentrate on the SEProgram and put Ayahuasca out of your mind. Do things that you enjoy.