Grief and anger

Hi how can I feel my fear without going mad or dying? This sounds dramatic but is really what I am scared of. I circle it and poke it occasionally now that TMS has shown me what it is, and I have a strangling feeling in my throat. But for many years I stuffed it down, denied it, displaced it, drowned it. I have not felt safe all my life due to an alcoholic mother putting me and my brother in real physical danger repeatedly over our whole childhoods. My father did little to protect us and was at work or the pub. I see that I am fearful in all that I do in life especially my work and parenting although I have overcome many obstacles and seem outwardly to be pretty successful. Inside I am still that scared little girl.
Now both parents are dead, my father died at new year and mum a few years before and I can't confront my grief truthfully because there is too much anger at them for never keeping us safe. I Am scared of my negative feelings toward them as I tried really hard when they were still alive to forgive them and not be defined by my rotten childhood. I see now that this was another distraction, I said the words but didn't mean it. How can I go back to this openly and move through this pain both physical and emotional? Any similar experience or advice? Thanks

 

get some sound mentors, if you're religious possibly a priest. sounds like you need another human to sound off against, preferably one experienced with this type of thing.
maybe contact local AA as they may have dealt with something similar

 

Hi, Lexington. I know the feeling... fear of going mad or dying. Anxiety, worry sometimes grips us by the throat.

Regarding anger over your parents, I think you just have to find a way to forgive them, as journaling helped me to do in the SEP.
I realized they had their own TMS and forgave them for feelings I had when they divorced when I was seven.

Your mother drank for a reason, or reasons. Try to forgive her. It will bring you peace.

 

Thanks you are both right i think. I am inquiring about a finding a TMS therapist at the moment. I need one I think. And thru that and journalling and the SEP I hope to move thru this to a place where I can genuinely forgive them both. I try to talk to myself and tell myself I am safe now. My fight or flight response has always been on a hair trigger and comes up in so many seemingly banal situations every day especially while at work (I'm a teacher) and in parenting. I am so terrified of my son having accidents like we did as children although rationally I know I don't put him in real danger, I see mental images of disaster all the time. I need to calm it down I am exhausted.

 

Lexington. We have very similar childhoods. Both my parents were alcoholics and addicted to various drugs. I know the unsafe conditions , neglect and the feeling of being left to make bigger decisions than you should ever have to.

I'm extremely angry as I have been exploring. It's very hard for me to poke at that. I often feel empty which replaces the other emotions. Honestly, I realized I couldn't sift through this alone....I am working with a tms therapist. Can you try that???

Sometimes, things are just bigger than us.

Sorry you have to relive the crap.

Our inner little girls could be friends.

Crissy

 

Ps. I'm also a teacher.

 

Hi thanks for that kind reply and what a coincidence! Yes, I'm hopefully in the process of getting a TMS therapist in the next couple of days thru this site.
Having 2 alcoholic parents sounds really rough. Your feeling of emptiness has helped you cope but the therapist can help you really get to the anger now. I wonder if when the feeling is spent we will suddenly be pain free and skipping? I long (probably too hard) for these miracle moments.
I like that image of our girls being friends! I try to really picture little me using old photos aged 7 and have been visualing her meeting my son who is also 7. And I just hug them both for so long. I want to remember who she really is. Very trusting and open I think. Maybe you are the same, being a teacher as well? I think I may be at the end of the road with that tho after 12 years and am planning to resign this school year and try something else.
I see from some of your other posts that you've made great progress lately, that's so well done!!! We can do this with the right help. Keep positive and I look forward to reading more. I'm going now to visualise myself running along the beach and ice skating sleep well (pretty sure you're UK)

 

Hi Lexington,

You are seeing so many painful aspects of your relationships from the past. This is hard.

I also suppose in the hopes of getting over TMS, you want to "get through" certain feelings and "achieve" more sought after feelings. While it is natural to want the "good" and move away from the "bad" or difficult, the real work, to me, is actually what you are already engaging in on your own.

You're seeing the fear, the anger, the lack of forgiveness, and so on. Each piece that you notice and feel are threads leading you toward more truth, and more self-understanding. It helps a lot to have the support of a Therapist or Coach. It is all such tenuous ground, sensitive ground, scary ground to tread. And each strand of feeling and awareness is guarded by the Inner Bully whose main job it is to help you not feel so much. But each piece can be held and supported just on its own and followed gently to where it is leading.

It doesn't necessarily go where we think it is going, and that is part of the mystery, and partly what requires so much courage. We have to hang out in "not getting there."

This is the real work Lexington, to stand in the fire. You are doing it. Your awareness and good intentions will get you through. Good journey, and my heart is with you.

Andy B.

 

TMS therapy, as useful as it may be will only go so far as in diagnosing you with TMS. However, if you have any deep rooted emotions that you wish to explore the only way forward would be to engage and seek help of a psycho therapist who is familiar with TMS, or an ISTDP therapist.

 

Hi thanks Andy that was such an encouraging reply, this is the real stuff now hard tho it is. And yes Mike I think it really is time for a therapist. I am looking into that now. The inner bully doesn't want to let me spend the money! And although it's quite a lot for me at the moment what price future happiness? Today I felt I might have to leave all this for now (I posted about using pills to get thru doing stuff a big family issue got more complex earlier today) I have to continue or it just won't end.

 

Sometimes it doesn't feel safe to let ourselves feel our rage at our parents. It wasn't safe when we were growing up -these are the people who were responsible for taking care of us. If we let our ferocious beasts out --- will we be alone then?

For me it has been a nice practice to allow myself to feel my rage. Knowing i don't need to act on it or be out of control. It is ok to feel.

Thanks for sharing so openly,

Miss Lucy

 

Check Nicole Sachs youtube videos and her book the meaning of truth - she was a patient and later a psychologist working with doctor Sarno.

 

Characteristics and Personalities of Adults Who Grew Up with Alcoholism in the Home
Children who grew up in an alcoholic home develop similar personality traits and characteristics. Dr. Janet Woititz published her national bestselling book, Adult Children of Alcoholics in 1983. In it she outlined 13 characteristics of adult children of alcoholics but also applied these same characteristics to those who grew up in households where other compulsive behaviours are present such as gambling, drug abuse or overeating. Adult children who experienced chronic illness, strict religious attitudes, foster care and other dysfunctions, also identified with the characteristics, Woititz says.

Characteristics and Personality Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic:

Fear of losing control.

Adult children of alcoholics maintain control over their behaviour and feelings. They also try to control the behaviour and feelings of others. They do this because they are afraid not because they want to hurt themselves or others. They fear that if they relinquish control their lives will get worse, and they can become very anxious when they are not able to control a situation.

Fear of Emotions or Feelings

Adult children of alcoholics tend to bury their feelings (particularly anger and sadness) since childhood and are not able to feel or express emotions easily. Ultimately they fear all powerful emotions and even fear positive emotions like fun and joy.

Avoid conflict

Adult children of alcoholics have a fear of people who are in authority, people who are angry, and do not take personal criticism very well. Often they misinterpret assertiveness for anger. Therefore, they are constantly seeking approval of others whilst losing their identities in the process. Frequently they isolate themselves.

A high burden of responsibility and constant approval seeking

Adult children of alcoholics are oversensitive to the needs of others. Their self-esteem comes from others’ judgments of them, thus having the compulsive need to be perfectionists and be accepted.

An inability to relax and have fun.

Adult children of alcoholics cannot have fun because it is stressful, especially when others are watching. The child inside is frightened, and in an effort to appear perfect, exercises strict self-control.

Harsh self-criticism and low self esteem

Adult children of alcoholics are weighed down with a very low sense of self-esteem and respect, no matter how competent they may be.

Denial

Whenever adult children of alcoholics feel threatened, they tend to deny that which provoke their fears.

Difficulties with intimacy

Adult children of alcoholics fear intimacy because it makes them feel that they lost control. They have difficulties expressing their needs and consequently have problems with their sexuality, and repeat relationship patterns.

Develop a victim mentality

Adult children of alcoholics may either be passive or aggressive victims, and are often attracted to others like them whether in friendships, career and love relationships.

Adopting compulsive behaviour

Adult children of alcoholics may eat compulsively or become workaholics. They may become addicted and co-dependent in a relationship, or behave compulsively in other ways. Sadly, they may abuse alcohol and become alcoholics like their parent(s).

More comfortable living in chaos or drama than in peace

Adult children of alcoholics become addicted to chaos and drama, which gives them their adrenaline fix and feelings of power and control.

The tendency to confuse love with pity.

Adult children of alcoholics are often in relationships with people they can rescue.

Abandonment issues

Adult children of alcoholics will do anything to save a relationship, rather than face the pain of abandonment even if the relationship is unhealthy.

Tendency to see everything and everyone in extremes, when under pressure

Physical illness

Adult children of alcoholics are highly susceptible to stress-related illnesses.

Suffering from an accumulation of grief.

Adult children of alcoholics are frequently depressed. Losses experienced during their childhood were often never grieved for because the alcoholic family doesn’t tolerate intense uncomfortable feelings.

Overreaction to outside changes

Adult children of alcoholics remain hyper vigilant, constantly scanning their surroundings for potential catastrophes.

Adult Children of Alcoholics Attracted to Compulsive Personalities

Many lose themselves in their relationship with others and sometimes find themselves attracted to alcoholics or other compulsive personalities - such as workaholics. They are generally attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable.
Adult children sometimes like to be the “rescuer” and will form relationships with others who need their help, to the extent of neglecting their own needs. What happens is that they place the focus on the needs of someone else whilst not having to examine their own difficulties and shortcomings.

Often, these adult children will acquire the characteristics of alcoholics, even if they never drink themselves. They can be in denial, develop poor coping strategies, have an inability to problem solve and form dysfunctional relationships.

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Help

Many adult children who grew up in a dysfunctional home have been deeply affected by their experiences and often seek counselling and professional treatment to help resolve these issues.

SMART Recovery Family and Friends is a mutual support group that helps those who grew up in such an environment using Cognitive Behavioural and Rational Emotive Therapy.


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