Frequent

I am kindly asking for your thoughts, guidance, and advice regarding my personal experiences.

I first started having symptoms of frequent urination last March 2020 which was more than 5 years ago. I was only 15 years old at that time. I’ve been urinating continuously for more than 20-30 times a day, every 3-5 minutes non-stop. When it gets really really bad, I sometimes urinate for about 40-50 times a day. I couldn’t even do a single task without getting up and going to the bathroom immediately and having to urinate large amounts. It was extremely uncomfortable and irritating to get up every single time and needing to urinate that much in a day. My life basically started to revolve around going to the bathroom and urinating every minute. It felt like I was locked in a cage and I had one task, which was to go to the bathroom every now and then. I felt very restricted.

I first thought that I had diabetes since at a young age my family warned me that it runs in the family. Since I’ve always struggled my whole life to open up to my family, I only told them I had frequent urination in 2021 which was 1 year after experiencing it. It was the pandemic during that time and the lockdowns were really strict so I only had the chance to have myself check-uped last 2022. My blood tests were all normal so they said I didn’t have diabetes. I had other tests checked too and it was all normal. I was really upset and I had a lot of breakdowns. I just wanted to know what was wrong with me the whole time and I badly badly wanted to get better. But I think one of the main problems that I had was that my mother never took me seriously (she has a lot of narcissistic traits and she often projected onto me). She knew that I’ve been urinating that much, but instead of taking me to the hospital immediately, she waited for years and when I had the checkup done and nothing was wrong, she was very mad at me for “wasting” a huge amount of money. I never had a good relationship with her. She would always dismiss me and she didn’t even care when I harmed myself before when I was still in grade school. We live with my extended family up until now, and my cousin would always

I’m not a naturally smart person, that is why I have always pushed myself to study hard and submit good outputs. I was getting good grades before but back then it always wasn't enough for me. I would always convince myself that I could've done so much better. I always pressured myself. I wanted to be perfect. I was extremely terrified of making mistakes to the point that I would have a breakdown if I did something wrong, and even overthink about it for a long period of time; I felt like I was less of a person everytime i made mistakes. I always craved validation from others. I always set aside my own opinions and thoughts and instead listen to what others would tell me. I never trusted myself enough. I’m an extreme people-pleaser. I never knew how to say no, so I would always do what they ask from me and afterwards I’d feel very very disgusted with myself. I would harm myself afterwards and have a long breakdown. I was always so depressed because of my family issues, to the point that it got so bad that I lost my appetite. I struggled with eating for several years now, but until now my family thinks it’s just because I’m too lazy to eat. I always skipped my meals, and sometimes I would just drink water for the day. Ever since I was young, I've been the type of person who doesn’t open up to my family and keep everything to myself, even when it’s already killing me inside.

I always grieve about the 5-6 years that TMS has stolen from me. All I wanted to be was to just be someone. I wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to be proud of me. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to be seen. I had so much potential in me. but now no one will ever be able to see it. even myself. TMS TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME. it took my whole life from me. It caged me and now everyone judges me for it. they don't even know a thing. they have no fucking idea what i had to endure everyday just to get through everything. I haven't even lived ever since. I'm always so depressed about the fact that I've wasted 5-6 years of my life when I'm 100% confident that I could've been a consistent honor student and I would have been able to continue my small business before if I didn't have to endure all the pain and discomfort from tms. No one will ever be able to understand how I've been living the past 5-6 years of my life. Tms is haunting me 24/7. It never let me rest, even for a single second. It took over my entire life. It ruined every aspect of my life. I've always been a pathological people pleaser even if it shattered me to pieces.

I've always had the whole tms personality because I was so traumatized because of all the family issues that I’ve experienced and witnessed. My mother physically and verbally abused me when I was young, even up until now. Living with my extended family has always traumatized me. They were absolutely insane, no child should ever experience the things that they did and hear all those crazy things. So then why do I have to suffer from TMS when in the 1st place I didn't even want these personality traits? These are all trauma responses. I shouldn’t have to suffer this bad. I've had these personality traits because I wanted to be appreciated and seen. But then tms came and ruined every single thing from me. It’s not my fault that they traumatized me but then why do I have to be the one who suffers the most? I’m extremely exhausted from everything. Recently, I’ve been experiencing derealization and my ocd is getting worse. Even though I'm suffering this much, I would still always question myself if I even have the right to be this angered, hurt, and depressed if part of this is my fault? I always wanted to end my life so bad.