Fear

Hi Everyone-

I'd like to first say hi, I haven't been on here in a while. I popped on a few times at the start of my journey and then a little later for support. I would like to be more active on here to help support others in the same way you all have supported me. I am back in school full time and have young kids, so I don't have a ton of free time these days!

This may be long- so I appreciate anyone reading and offering any advice or support. It's good to know there are people who understand.

In August of 2022, I developed rheumatoid arthritis after an emotional event with my father. I didn't realize until after starting the work that my joints flared up a few weeks after this due to the total rage and disgust I felt over the situation, but did not feel. This, coupled with decades of living in a fight-or-flight state, my immune system finally said "okay, we need to get your attention". When I began this work last September, I had a major flare up of symptoms, and my inflammation markers were the highest they had ever been. I even told my functional medicine dr "it;s flaring up, because I am digging deep". after that initial horrid flare, I started to feel better than I had since the start. more energy, much less pain and inflammation, better sleep, the whole 9. My recent labs in April reflected it- inflammation MUCH, MUCH lower, all other labs looking good.

I've hit a stop. I am terrified to fully let go. I have seen this work. I've SEEN IT and FELT IT! But I am still held back. I am so afraid to fully, completely let go and trust in my body to re-balance and heal. I have never in my life let go. Never. I am so afraid of what will happen if I do. This is the TMS brain.I can't quite make it past this line to total freedom. Here is what I have discovered- it's sort of a paradox. I spend my life afraid, but what I am really doing is avoiding fear. I spend my life scanning for threats, things that aren't even truly there- to stay ahead of it catching me off guard, so that I don't feel afraid. Feeling the physical sensations of fear in my body makes me think- or my brain think- I am in real, immediate danger. So it is a loop. Look for things that might make me afraid, to stay ahead of the fear, to not feel fear.

So letting go, fully trusting my body to do it's thing, seems unbearable. I am close. But sometimes, body parts hurt so bad. I know you all understand that. I keep going back to "well, I have an autoimmune condition. That's different. It is not TMS. It is real, it is measurable. I can see it, doctors can see it." but, at the core of my being, I know that autoimmunity(mine, at least) is a buildup of a lifetime of avoiding the feelings of fear. Any time I feel afraid, I must seek outside reassurance to get rid of that feeling because my brain thinks it will kill me. In a way, it is classic TMS, isn't it? My body is screaming at me to please, please just allow the fear, allow the pain.

I have been going online lately, looking for more and more evidence that I can heal, feel better, be close to or in remission with this work. Again, I distract myself with looking, seeking reassurance, rather than allowing my body to feel the sensations of fear from once and for all letting go.

My fear is that I will let go, heal, and disaster will strike. My body is begging me to allow the fear and pain and not run from it. It feels unbearable to me to sit in fear, at certain levels. I recently heard a story about someone who did similar work to this, putting their RA into remission, but then passed away suddenly. A sad story- but it shook me hard. It is like seeing my worst fear in real time. TMS brain says "what is the point in trying to heal? see? you will meet your demise".

I don't know what I am looking for. I feel tired. My pain is worse lately, but not terrible. Flares these days are nothing even close to what they used to be. I am so close, I can almost see the other side, but this fear of fear is holding me back. My brain loops constantly with such focus on symptoms.

If anyone on here sent me a message and said "do you believe autoimmune disease can be TMS? Can it be reversed?" I would say "depending on the root cause, it can 100% be TMS. A dysregulated nervous system and a negative thought pattern can change our cells, DNA, and send our immune system into over drive". Why can't I trust in my own belief?

My body is so tired of fighting the thoughts I send it and is so tired of being ignored when it simply wants to feel fear, that it has started a civil war. Autoimmunity is the body attacking itself. It is like my body is saying "you have trained me to view EVERYTHING as a threat, including you, so here we go!".

Letting go, fully, feels like I will never get there. It is simple, but not easy, to not seek the reassurance, and to pay no attention to the symptoms. Now- I have one wrist that has had some damage after a very bad flare for several months. I am in OT for this to strengthen it and gain range of motion back. That, I can't ignore, but I have learned to be indifferent. I even view it as "my wrist was screaming at me, and going through a hard time. It needs some support in being restored". rather than "my wrist is broken and damaged.".

I have seen myself improve, after starting this work. Why am I still so afraid? I have seen how much better it will be on the other side. I don't want to be stuck here forever. The fear of fear has stolen so much from my life and I deserve to live fully and let the fear pass through me.

Thank you, thank you thank you!
-cap

 

Hi, @cap23

Have you ever seen this interview? It’s great!

 

I have seen Phil's story a few times. An inspiration. Maybe I should watch it again

 

I appreciate your post @cap23 because it speaks to my issues around fear so well. I have severe osteoarthritis (not the same as RA, of course) but often think that while I intellectually believe it is TMS in reality, this might be different. I mean, this is a diagnosed structural deformity due to the damage the arthritis has caused. What's going to happen if I fully let go? I have a vision of my hip joint completely disintegrating into dust, me collapsing on the ground and then some horrible surgery to repair it that I'll never completely recover from. And yet I'm so close! I can see the other side and have so many days when I'm pain free and my range of motion and strength are so much improved. It's just this last little leap, but it's so huge! Ugh! I don't have any wise words to offer, but just want to thank you for articulating it so well, and to let you know you're not alone.

 

Hi, @Carma7
This is from page 34 of The Mind Body Prescription, by John Sarno:

OSTEOARTHRITIS OF THE HIP
Another important addition to the list of structural abnormalities wrongfully accused of causing back pain is the arthritic hip. Degenerative changes in the hip joint are fairly common and so is TMS pain in the buttock. Following the usual pattern, the pain is often blamed on the hip joint and hip replacement surgery is done even when the degeneration is relatively mild. I have intervened in some cases before surgery was done and successfully treated the pain nonsurgically. Moreover, I have seen others who had surgery and continued to have pain.

 

Thank you for the reminder!!!

 

@Carma7
Jessica is my TMS coach, and has been life long athlete until she was sidelined by "osteo arthritis" and a "hole" in her hip. It took her a very very long time and many different types of methods and then no longer had pain in her hip. However the pain moved (because she wasn't doing TMS work) - along with helping me recognize and discover TMS - she discovered it in herself, did the work and she no longer suffers from chronic pain and competes in very demanding athletic adventures.
She no longer identifies as a person with a diagnoses of OA.

You can overcome this kind of chronic pain.