I definitely have an inner bully regarding many things, but there is one thing that it says to me that is so much apart of me that it not only feels like just a thought. Maybe it is because I believe it so much. When it comes to me I experience so much sadness, defeat, dread, and terror that I simply can't just tell it to go away. It owns me if that makes any sense. I guess I might as well just explain what it is if I'm going to put everything out there in order to heal. I've always been very conscious of my looks. I'm not blaming my mom here but she always stressed that it was important to look good and what people thought was important. Anyway, I'm very petite and small boned weighing 95 lbs at 5'. Back in the eighties anorexia and bulimia became quite the topic in the media, people would comment about my size all the time, and not in a very nice way. I became quite self-conscious of my body and worried that people would think I was anorexic or bulimic. I'm not saying that a person should be ashamed of having these disorders but I don't have either one. I love food and wine, and I'm very healthy in that way, I'm just extremely small. The first thing people would do when they met me would be to comment on my size. This is going to sound crazy but when I go out to dinner I'm afraid to walk to the bathroom because I'm afraid people might think I'm going to throw up! I started having panic attacks in 1986 after a partial hysterectomy for pelvic pain which of course didn't help. Doctors back then did hysterectomies at the drop of a hat unfortunately. Interestingly enough my crafty mind somehow intertwined my feelings of my body and panic attacks, and I began to have them whenever I thought I would be seen around a lot of people. I was always confused by this until I recently realized that this must be a form of TMS! I can never completely relax when I am out anywhere because even if I don't have an attack I'm still worried about what people are thinking. It is exhausting and it makes me angry that I do this to myself. I've gotten a little better at trying to not care so much since I've gotten older but this inner bully is quietly always reminding me that I don't look well to people which kills me. The idea that some people might think I'm ill even though deep down inside I know I look healthy. I have told myself that it only matters what I think and know, and not what others might believe, there is always going to be one person who thinks I'm too small, blah, blah, blah but I am so stubborn that I cannot get myself out of this trap. Just writing all of this out for the first time is stressful. I'm not very good at writing and putting my thoughts into words so I hope this all makes sense. Even though it is so crazy that I know it doesn't make sense at all.