Day 9

I definitely have an inner bully regarding many things, but there is one thing that it says to me that is so much apart of me that it not only feels like just a thought. Maybe it is because I believe it so much. When it comes to me I experience so much sadness, defeat, dread, and terror that I simply can't just tell it to go away. It owns me if that makes any sense.

I guess I might as well just explain what it is if I'm going to put everything out there in order to heal. I've always been very conscious of my looks. I'm not blaming my mom here but she always stressed that it was important to look good and what people thought was important. Anyway, I'm very petite and small boned weighing 95 lbs at 5'. Back in the eighties anorexia and bulimia became quite the topic in the media, people would comment about my size all the time, and not in a very nice way. I became quite self-conscious of my body and worried that people would think I was anorexic or bulimic. I'm not saying that a person should be ashamed of having these disorders but I don't have either one. I love food and wine, and I'm very healthy in that way, I'm just extremely small. The first thing people would do when they met me would be to comment on my size. This is going to sound crazy but when I go out to dinner I'm afraid to walk to the bathroom because I'm afraid people might think I'm going to throw up!

I started having panic attacks in 1986 after a partial hysterectomy for pelvic pain which of course didn't help. Doctors back then did hysterectomies at the drop of a hat unfortunately. Interestingly enough my crafty mind somehow intertwined my feelings of my body and panic attacks, and I began to have them whenever I thought I would be seen around a lot of people. I was always confused by this until I recently realized that this must be a form of TMS! I can never completely relax when I am out anywhere because even if I don't have an attack I'm still worried about what people are thinking. It is exhausting and it makes me angry that I do this to myself. I've gotten a little better at trying to not care so much since I've gotten older but this inner bully is quietly always reminding me that I don't look well to people which kills me. The idea that some people might think I'm ill even though deep down inside I know I look healthy. I have told myself that it only matters what I think and know, and not what others might believe, there is always going to be one person who thinks I'm too small, blah, blah, blah but I am so stubborn that I cannot get myself out of this trap.

Just writing all of this out for the first time is stressful. I'm not very good at writing and putting my thoughts into words so I hope this all makes sense. Even though it is so crazy that I know it doesn't make sense at all.

 

Hi Renee,

I think it was courageous for you to post your feelings about your inner bully and share the feelings that you've recognized. I don't think it sounds crazy at all; indeed, it all makes sense to me. And to write it all out and share it, even though you said that it's stressful for you, is a huge step forward.

Recognizing that inner bully and the related thoughts and feelings it causes are really important steps in healing. Please know that it doesn't matter whether you think your feelings are rational or make sense - feelings are just feelings. Mine often mystify me, and it really doesn't matter whether they're rational or not - they come and they go and recognizing them, working with them, and letting go when you are ready will help you heal.

I also think it's a big step forward to see how your thoughts and feelings are, as you say, exhausting you and making you angry at how you treat yourself. Anger is a powerful emotion - so maybe think about how you can harness the power of anger and put it to work for you to fight back your unwanted thoughts, feelings, and symptoms. You can literally talk back to the things that make you angry to re-program your brain. For example, you can say things like, "Just cut it out - I am sick and tired of {whatever it is - i.e., worrying about what other people think} - just stop it and leave me alone!" Try to do this with a forceful and bold voice to help you to consciously take back control. I've found this type of self-talk very powerful (despite the fact that doing it feels a little silly at times).

I hope some of these ideas will help. And congratulations again for your courage, Sunny

 

Hi, Renee. I agree with Sunny that you need to tell your Inner Bully to stop it. Self-talk has helped many people to heal from TMS symptoms.

You are probably a very good achiever but have a perfectionist personality that nags you into thinking you're not doing or achieving enough.
Try not to worry or even think about what other people think of you. They probably don't even think about you as much as you think they do.
And if they do think you are not up to their expectations, who cares? Are they up to your expectations, or their own?

As for your height and weight, remember that most of the top Hollywood stars of the past and present were or are small. Both men and women.
Alan Ladd and other short actors had to stand on a box if their leading lady was short. That's why Veronica Lake became his most frequent leading lady... she was short. So was Bette Davis and lots of others. It wasn't their height or weight that mattered, it was their personality.

 

It's interesting but yesterday I experienced a pelvic pain flare up after I wrote this post. For the most part my flare ups usually come around 3 am. I think it was because it was so painful for me write about what I did. Or maybe because my mind was trying to distract me once again. I'm coming around to this way of thinking but there is a small part of me that still wants to scoff at that idea. It did make me think of Steve O. writing about how his symptoms would get worse and also would spread to other areas as he tried to heal. I still can't believe how he was able to persevere in spite of all of the strange and frightening things that were happening to him.

 

I don't know if I'm a good achiever, but I do nag myself quite a bit. I even critique myself about not washing the dishes properly! And you are right about people not thinking about me as much as I think they are. I had to go to the MVD over the summer and started having a little bit of a panic attack when I realized that everyone there was looking down at their phones! As silly as this sounds, that revelation helped me relax and not have a full blown panic attack.

You bringing up Hollywood stars made me think of Tom Cruise and his lack of height. My height doesn't bother me so much as my small frame does. I wish I could gain weight in other areas of my body but when I do it all goes to my stomach so that I have this skinny body and large stomach. But I just have to start getting used to doing the self talk to re-program my brain.