Day 9 cont. Inner Bully

I was reading about destructive behaviors and boy do I have them! Let's recap. They are criticism, putting pressure on yourself, and fear.

At lunch today I was talking to some co-workers about how my oldest daughter drives me batty because she is so forgetful sometimes, and one of my friends got up from the table and left without saying good-bye. I immediately blamed myself for my topic of conversation, and started belittling myself for complaining about my daughter. I started to ask myself, "Was I complaining about other things during lunch too? Am I overly negative, such that people don't want to be around me?" When I write it now, none of that really seems to make any sense, logically. I have many friends, and I talk about all sorts of things! Even if I am negative more than I should be, that's not a reason to beat myself up. It's a time to re-examine what I'm thinking and talking about, and why I am. I feel like every time I do one of these exercises they were written specifically for me. I guess us TMS'ers have many of the same problems!

Pressure on myself, pretty much all the time. This is constant. Last night I went to 5 different stores to return and buy things. This is such "All or nothing" thinking. I knew it was irrational, that some of it could wait, but I had been putting off many of these errands, and I was being hard on myself. "Gotta get it done or it won't get done" is the motto going through my head so often.

Fear. My old friend, that I want to shake. Like shake until it's stupid head falls off shake!! I hate living in fear. I know meditation helps with fear but I haven't been doing it.

I am very mad at myself this week because I haven't been taking care of my body like I should. I've been exercising (yay!) but I haven't been meditating or sleeping enough (boo!) which makes me more tired then I usually am. I'm beating myself up over what I haven't done. I wish I could just give myself some room to be human.

 

Miss Elizabeth Bennet! I love it.

You and me both, Miss B. One thing that helps, which I am trying to practice more of the time, is simply being in the moment instead of going over what is past and gone, especially those things that I know are not important. Appreciating what I have accomplished, and enjoying where I am right now.

~Jan

 

LizzyBennet said: ↑

I wish I could just give myself some room to be human.

You and me both, Miss B. One thing that helps, which I am trying to practice more of the time, is simply being in the moment instead of going over what is past and gone, especially those things that I know are not important. Appreciating what I have accomplished, and enjoying where I am right now.

~Jan

One way I have been practicing lately, and it is really deepening for me, is to simply come into my body when I notice the run-away thoughts. It is almost like two dimensions. One is endless thought. The other is Being. And my attention to body, and more specifically the center of my chest, where my heart is, is the route back to "the now." May the universe support us to enjoy this precious life, and think less, and worry less, and self-reject less!