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Day 2 journaled and realized I hide my feelings

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by aces0730, Dec 7, 2016.

  1. aces0730

    aces0730 Peer Supporter

    I have read the Sarno books, actually I am re-reading. I also have listened toNicole Sachs video and I started journaling. I made 3 lists Childhood, Daily Life and Personality. I journaled for a Hal hour on all three columns and while I was doing the journal and looking at Sarno's book The mind body prescription I saw myself on every page. I also notice that I can't cry around my husband because he yells at meI realized I have learned to pretend that everything is okay. I can't cry because if I do am week.

    My mom abused physically and emotionally, but would become loving. She yelled at me my whole life. My sister told me I was too short and too fat.

    Daily my husband just gets angry and yells, I need to stand up to him. My job is stressful, I am the breadwinner, so I have to be careful with my job because I am over 50 and they can get rid of me any time.

    I don't mean to burden anyone, this what I discovered as I journaled while I listened to Nicole on YouTube and had Dr. Sarno's book in front of me. My back pain is not that much better, actually I am crying a little bit now. I know my sneaky brain is trying to keep me in the same cycle...
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  2. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi again, Aces. Wow, you have a lot of relationship problems to deal with... your mother, sister, and husband. I suspect they all three have their own TMS and are suffering emotional and physical pain. I wrote about your sister in my last reply, so this is about your husband... He is probably angry with himself because you are the bread-winner. Try to think about this when he is hard on you. He really is at those times transferring his anger onto you, because he most likely has low self-esteem. Maybe try to bolster his morale.
  3. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Yes you do.

    If you find this difficult, know that just imagining the experience of your Inner Child in this relationship can be helpful for TMS work. How does your Inner Child feel when you get yelled at? How does it feel when you don't defend yourself? These deep feelings can be imagined and linked to your symptoms, ala Dr. Sarno. Good luck, and be loving to yourself as you see and understand more. None of us can change relationships overnight. But you can see --are seeing how they contribute to TMS, and this clarity about the real causes of your symptoms begins to undo the process.
  4. aces0730

    aces0730 Peer Supporter

    I have been dealing with him yelling at me for over 20 years now. It's not my fault that he got laid off from his job of 26 years, he went back to school for a certificate program in manufacturing engineering and technology, he did really well and found employment, but he took a pay cut. I have a Bachelors Degree in Accounting and in Computer Science, I was going for an MBA but the return on investment is not guaranteed so I dropped before the class started. I am salaried and it really stinks. Had I known he was going to get laid off last March, I would have negotiated for a bit more.

    The good news is pain is down a lot from yesterday. Small baby steps.

    Thanks for listening
  5. aces0730

    aces0730 Peer Supporter

  6. aces0730

    aces0730 Peer Supporter

    Hi Walt,

    Thanks for listening. I know my husband was upset when he got laid off, he went back to school over the summer for manufacturing engineering and technology. He found work a month after graduation, but he took a huge pay cut. I am trying to bring him up. I mention anything about taking an online class in Solidworx, he bites my head off. He has to make the decision. I was going to get an MBA, but I dropped out because the return on investment is not guaranteed, and our son wants to be a researcher pathologist.

    He goes to a technical highschool where he takes one week medical lab studies and the other week academics. He's a high honor student and an althete. He is required to work a co op job as part of the medical program and we have to get my car overhauled and I will buy something 2 years old. That's the other big stress that's coming up. We will figure something out.

    Then the college applications, SAT stuff, looking for scholarships has to start soon. He's a junior, so we have time. He will be inducted into NHS this year, and we couldn't be more proud of his accomplishments. I just hope my OCD for perfection in academics didn't rub off on him. The last thing I want for him to have TMS. I stress that its ok to make a mistake and not get a perfect grade. His calculus teacher says he goes over each problem with her every Tuesday. I hope she wasn't inferring that my son is a pest. LOL.

    Anyway my pain is down a little, I know this a journey to get well. I plan on doing some re-reading of Dr. Sarno's book The Mind Body Prescription.

    Thanks for listening.
  7. cookie_777

    cookie_777 Peer Supporter

    Why don't you leave him? sorry to ask.. but he sounds pretty stressful :( and you sound pretty sad, and that makes me sad..
  8. aces0730

    aces0730 Peer Supporter

    Hi Cookie,

    I wish it were that simple. It is a stressful relationship but I love him and he stuck by me when things in my family were pretty bad, my mom and older sister died of pancreatic cancer. We've been through therapy, I respect his wishes, he respects mine. I have no where to go except to my other sister's house and that would be going from the frying pan into the fire. Long story
  9. cookie_777

    cookie_777 Peer Supporter

    Then love to you Aces- I wish you well :)
  10. Mrs Dependable

    Mrs Dependable Peer Supporter

    Oh Aces, this is so sad and very stressful for you. I do think you need to work on your self esteem, louise hay has some good stuff, all uploaded on YouTube. Also I think Tennis Tom is right, could your husband be angry with himself? Could you talk to him when you're both not rushed and tell him how much you appreciate him and love him but that his shouting gets you down. Good luck.
  11. Trellis

    Trellis New Member

    You could try telling your husband that it's not acceptable behaviour for one adult to shout at another at the drop of a hat. Is it your fault your husband got laid off and had to take a lower-paid job? What exactly have you done wrong, do you think? Worked hard and provided a stable home for your family? And he shouts at you every day? What do you get out of this relationship?
    A first step might be counselling - if not for you both as a couple, at least for you, to realise your own worth and be able to move forward in dealing with this situation.

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