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can I save my husband without losing myself?

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by mlovell, Apr 15, 2014.

  1. mlovell

    mlovell New Member

    I used the forums and structured programme and also worked through a programme with Georgie Oldfield about 4 years ago. I overcame severe back pain and have been virtually pain free since. I try to keep up the good habits that helped me. In the last 6 months or so my husband has had 3 bouts of very similar pain. It was him who came across TMS and helped me on the road to recovery so he's fully 'on board'. but not ennough to spend time doing journaling or meditation. he wants to just believe and have the pain go away - which it has twice! Right now he can barely move. And I can barely bear to be around him. It's a mixture of just not being able to bear seeing him in pain ( unfair as he cared for me for months) and having run out of things to say ("try journalling", "look at the TMS wiki") - how can I be sympathetic and yet not nag him? - also I am scared. . scared I will develop paina gain somehow - maybe by thinking about pain so much? or by his actions somehow undermining my belief in the TMS theory? I don't know but I have been at work all day and suspect he has been in bed all day and I am scared to go home! Any thoughts?
  2. tigerlilly

    tigerlilly Well known member

    Hi mlovell - it's hard for everyone on the family when one or more members experience TMS pain.
    I've been bedridden since January and my husband has been my caretaker. When I taught him about TMS, he too was 100% on board - though he hasn't journaled, meditated, etc. He has had terrible back pain for 8 years, and when he learned of TMS it practically made the pain go away overnight. Only...........now the pain is jumping around everywhere on him. Literally it will jump from gas in the stomach, to pain in the shoulder, to somewhere. It even settled horribly into his foot a few weeks back, to where he could hardly walk. But he continued to "give it the finger" and ignore/disregard the pain, and it is finally easing up in his foot.

    Remember that FEAR FEEDS TMS. It sounds like you are very fearful (and frustrated with hubby = unconscious rage) right now, and the brain is very smart to look for an opportunity to cause pain if your unconscious emotions are wanting to "runneth over." So just try to ease up on your feelings. Give yourself self-compassion right now:

    As far as hubby is concerned, there is a phrase a wise person one said to me: You gotta-wanna.
    People will only walk the walk when they are desperate. So right now it sounds like you get to play caretaker and just allow your husband to work through this.
    Even though I couldn't get my husband to journal/meditate, or even read Sarno's book - what I did get him to do is to listen to the Healing Back Pain audio file from Dr. Sarno. Highly recommended since this is Dr. Sarno narrating the book himself. All hubby has to do is lay there and hit the play button. Pause it when someone resonates with him so he can think and ponder. http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-..._title_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=8-1&qid=1397590925 (you can also order CD-Rom version)

    The best support my husband gave to me, wasn't advice or suggestions, but just supporting me as I go through this journey. Just love and support and a shoulder to cry on when I need it.

    You've got a good support group on this forum. Hang in there. Take a deep breath. Pick up some flowers or something cheerful on the way home to give to hubby (and yourself!) to start the evening off nicely.
    yb44 and Ellen like this.
  3. mlovell

    mlovell New Member

    Thanks tigerlily. That has really helped
  4. Tennis Tom

    Tennis Tom Beloved Grand Eagle

    Meditation and journaling are not requirements to heal. TMS KNOWLEDGE and belief in the TMS theory are. Followed by patience, not watching the calendar, resuming normal activities and a few glasses of wine may help.

    Look at the Rahe-Holmes stressful life events list for TMS creating situations that have occurred in the past year, there's the TMS science.
    Mermaid likes this.
  5. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Miovell, some very good advice from Tigerlilly and Tennis Tom.

    Mainly, be loving and encouraging to your husband. And I think the wine is fine.

    Books on TMS are long on explaining the reasons why we are in pain, from repressed emotions
    and/or perfectionist and "goodist" personalities, but are short on telling how to become pain-free.

    I am trying not to plug my new book with Herbie, a frequent poster, but he offers many
    excellent techniques to healing TMS pain. It's called God Does Not Want You to Be In Pain
    and is in paperback from amazon.com books and also a Kindle edition.

    There are links to explanations of the book in the forums.
  6. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

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