Journal exercise: Three things that make me angry: 1. I wish I made more money 2. I wish I had a safer childhood 3. I wish I didn't yell at my kids Three things that make me sad: 1. I get overwhelmed so easily 2. I don't feel like a strong person 3. Memories of my childhood and how lonely I was I had some numbness and butt tightness, pain last night and today even though I was going to fun things, church and a party.....I had a hard time identifying what was bothering me. I see now. 1) I hate rushing to be on time, and I resent myself and my family when we are up against the clock. I feel so much pressure to be on time. 2) Groups of people are tension-producing for me, I finally realized how I compare myself to everyone in order to come up on the bottom. I watched my mind try to do it over and over again. There is a part of my mind that really hates me. In order to avoid this constant stream of criticism, I try to control and be perfect in every interaction. It exhausts me. There was a toddler behind me in church making a lot of noise today, and I got really angry. Then I felt totally ashamed that I was mad about it. I did some breathing and realized this is part of trying to be perfect--needing to hear what the minister was saying. Half the solution is just slowing down and going with the flow. I did some breathing and thought about how sweet the baby noises were. I let myself remember what it felt like when my boys were that age. It felt good. I worry so much about being a good parent....and of course I beat myself up all day about it. I don't always have tolerance for their repetitive annoying behaviors or their short memories. I deeply resent how disengaged my husband is, he either doesn't notice a lot or he over-reacts. But it's interesting, when I can admit these feelings to myself, then I ask myself, "okay, so if you knew none of you had to be perfect, what then?" and I calm down. Trusting in the flow of my life is different than forcing myself to like all of it.