Worst relapse I've ever had at most crucial time in my life

Yes, it's a really hard question. The most difficult that I have ever faced. I have been after this for years. And now that I finally have the opportunity and am actually in there, I feel like my mind/body is trying to tell me that it is wrong, like I said in the previous post. This academy is nothing but drill instructors screaming at us, intense physical classes in gear, constant evaluations, academics, being rushed to change, no sleep, more screaming, etc. I'm simply wondering if someone with our personality can hack it. Because I certainly am beginning to feel like I cannot.

 

I've found myself in such a situation. I hope I can offer something useful to you:

For example, I was in school working toward a degree in a new field. When I got to the very end and all that was left was the practicum (actually working in the new field) I (and my body) freaked out. I know now that it was raging FEAR: fear of having to do work for which I had no level of competence (what if I hurt someone???). Totally out of my comfort zone. And I did let it derail me, I'm sorry to say, and the regret of that haunted me for a long time.

On another occasion, once again out of my comfort zone, I did not bail but rather recognized the fear and just worked through it one day at a time or one minute at a time. (Yes, my back hurt a lot. I couldn't sleep from anxiety and fear) I got through it OK (it was HARD) and at the end the fear just collapsed under its own weight. What a feeling of freedom when that finally happened!

So the way to do it is stay present in this moment, one moment at a time. Stay centered. Breathe. You can do one more minute, one more hour, one more day. Focus on doing just what is right in front of you. Work it through that way and the fear will eventually lose its grip. THEN you can decide if this is really the work you want to do or not. Better to make that decision when you are not in the grip of fear, I think.

I wish you all the best.

 

I agree with Dalia. My daughter finished school, took her national boards and knew she could choose to work in whatever field she wanted. You can too. I believe you already are the person who is a firefighter, who has the right stuff, the training is just that, training. You are the person and your tms type personality is part of that. Tmsers are perfectionists, goodists and never think we are perfect enough or good enough. Thats the pressure that fills the sub c to overflowing. Dr Sarno says thats a third of whats in there.

Ps. I know a really great guy and he is a chief over 5 stations, I believe he is a tmser, but he doesn't know about it.

 

Greg, try not to put so much pressure on yourself regarding your firefighter career.
You're not working alone. You're part of a team, all well-trained to do your jobs.

I bet if you asked others about it, they'd say they felt not up to the responsibility.

When you're over the training period and working, you'll gain confidence.

 

"I feel like my body is giving me the signal that this is not right and it's time to go." @GregL

You say you are conflicted. What does the OTHER part say? The one who wants you to be a fireman?

 

Ya it sounds like you have a bunch of angry or fearful little kids in there. Most of us do. They need our attention and care and love. And to be listened too. Sometimes a simple explanation or a hug or reassurance does the trick :0)

 

Thanks for the responses, all. They are all great and helpful. I'm glad we have the Internet to have communities like this.

I went to the therapist yesterday and it was good. She was on point about a lot of stuff. I began to tear up at one point, but still couldn't bawl like I surely need to. Still not sure how to do that. She recommended a couple of meds to help the nerve pain with this sciatica. One is an anticonvulsant of sorts and the other is pretty much an anti-depressant that also has the effect of helping with nerve pain. I got them both. But the doc gave pretty low doses, so I dunno we'll see. I worry a little about the anti-d, as I could get urine tested at any time at this academy. And that one would show up. I do indeed have a current script, but I dunno how they'd feel about that. I'd have to explain it away as for pain only. Knock on wood I guess.

 

Wanting respect. It reminds me that my father used to belittle me in front of his friends.
I never knew why. I think it left me with feelings of wanting respect, but I got it by working hard
and enjoying achievements as a newspaper reporter and feature writer, then as an author.

Maybe down deep I still want more respect. Or wish I had gotten it from my father.
I think the thing is, to respect yourself, and not depend on getting it from others.

 

Hi Greg,
I've had trouble with sciatica, so I feel your pain. I may be completely wrong, so just ignore me if that's the case, but I get the feeling deep down you are not really into being a fire fighter. Is it something YOU really want, or is it something you are doing for external reasons like making your family proud? I had some my worst pain doing a job I didn't really like.
Have you tried making a pros vs. cons list regarding this job? Sometimes putting it down like that on paper can help.
I hope things get better for you.

 

Hi Lynn. It's a solid thought, given what I'm posting. The answer is, I'm just not sure. I thought that I did for a very long time. And still think I do. However, part of me also does not. I am quite tired of this city and the people here. That only happened recently. Being *stuck* here is one of the main things bothering me. And I don't know what to do to rectify it. I am seriously at my wits ends here. Feeling pretty damn depressed everyday. Which is something I always sort of struggled with as it is.

I do have to admit that one of the reasons I haven't dropped out is because I don't want to let people in my life down. And I also know that after the initial few weeks of relief of not having to go there, I will get really depressed and upset at myself for having given up. I am so hard on myself in general.

 

It sounds to me you are doing what you can by seeing a therapist. Keep it up to access those emotions. Being unsure is a hard place to be in, especially for a worrier. Have you made any friends you can hang out with? I'm an introvert too, and I've had to push myself to get out there even though it can be uncomfortable at times because I know it's good for me.
Also, is there a hobby you can do to keep yourself busy on the weekends? A church you can attend? It seems the more focused we are on something besides the pain, the better we feel. I know when I'm deep in thought about something, it's hard to notice pain. It's also harder to be depressed when you stay busy.
Since you aren't sure about being a fire fighter, if I were you, I'd stay right where you're at until you make a decision. Think of it like med school. Med school is super hard and most doctors struggle to get through it and the residency. A lot of training for intense jobs is that way. If one day you decide you're better off doing something else, go for it. Don't wait around to get depressed about not finishing fire training, head right into the new training or school for a different job so you won't be so hard on yourself.

 

I guess I don't really have any hobbies for the weekends. It's mainly been resting a little, food shopping, study, laundry, and getting ready for the next week. And I really don't have any friends either unfortunately. I am sort of a loner. Have been for a long time. Which, again, probably adds to it. We as people need love and contact. Even today at the academy, I was talking to a couple of the guys for a little while on a break. My TMS is raging HARD today, but was not quite as noticeable when actually talking with fellow humans. I could really use a girl right about now to come live with me. That would help in a lot of ways :-/

 

I used to feel that way about crying. I felt like if I could just let out these feelings I might be free of them. I think it is a process of becoming softer and softer and more ourselves. Becoming human like you said

 

Grrg, I'm going to go out on a limb here. Do you have older brothers? If so, do they treat you with a lack of respect?

 

I do have an older brother. But it was never like that actually. He simply wasn't a good role model if anything, with the boozin and the druggin growing up. That is the essence of my childhood. From my folks too. I am indeed seeking respect though, I acknowledge that. Obviously part of the appeal to this job for me.

 

Have you had any help along the lines of children of alcoholics? Books even? Maybe no one was treated with respect in your family?

My dad thought all women were sluts and treated me like I was one, and it made me feel like one, ha before I'd even besn kissed! I shook that feeling long ago, but isn't it interesting that I felt something was true of me without any factual basis? I wonder if you are respected, but that you are unable to experience or feel it? Alot of people can't "feel" what others feel toward them.

 

Greg,

Reading your writings, I get the sense that you have a vivid mind and imagination. I'm curious if you'd be open to trying some visualization. With your busy schedule, I'm not sure you have time for more. What would it be like to take 5 minutes before you go to bed to visualize your TMS. You seem to know Sarno backwards and forwards, perhaps adding a piece whereby you visualize a conversation with your TMS about the day or the following day could give you some peace of mind and a new relationship to it - at least until you have time to follow a more structured program. Instead of focusing on ridding yourself of it, maybe focus on having a different relationship to it right now.

 

Hi Andrew. Thanks for taking the time to reply. What exactly do you mean by visualization and having a convo with my TMS? I think I may have done that and maybe even do it often. I feel like I talk to "it" quite often. But I am likely doing it wrong. Please elaborate a touch, I'd be very grateful.

 

I am literally open to anything right now. Right now in particular. I had a horrific back spasm the other morning. Still had to go about my day at the academy. Somehow. Was brutal. I gave in and went to my doctor afterwards looking for some kind of relief. Anything. A cortisone shot, right into my back. Just for the placebo if anything. Well he doesn't do that, and neither does the hospital I went to afterwards looking for one. The gave me some pain med injection in the arm. Seemed to help for the night and somewhat the following day. But now it's very bad again. I can barely keep it together and I have to be honest, am having some bad thoughts. That's nothing that new though, as I have as well in the past as someone who experiences depression. I just needed to vent about it somewhere.

 

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I hope you can come to some peace and reduced pain.

How much longer is your training? How much time have you put in and how much is left?