Parts Therapy Update

Echoing everyone here, I'm both super happy it went well (YAY!) and sorry to hear about bedbugs (ugh).

I'm very happy to have read this in particular:

That is AWESOME! YAY!

Also, this:

It's AMAZING that in just 5 hours you were able to identify the fear of abandonment, understand how that impacts your relationship with your husband, AND recognize (and seemingly internalize) the therapist's counterargument to those fears -- he's been there for 54 years, he certainly isn't going anywhere anytime soon. All I can say to that is WOW! That's huge, at least to me: I have some abandonment issues too, mainly stemming from some very unhealthy "friendships" (meaning they really were not friendships at all). It's one of the things that drives my perfectionism: I have to to be the perfect person, the perfect friend; otherwise I will lose my friendships. I've been working on this in "regular therapy" for quite some time. I still am working on accepting those counterarguments to my fear of abandonment. I think all you accomplished in just 5 hours, and with a new therapist to boot, is just incredible. And kinda freakin awesome.

Love that you said you're handling it differently too. I think that's really telling. The situation itself hasn't changed, necessarily, but how you are reacting to it has, and that makes all the difference.

Overall I'm just overjoyed (or should I say, "overNjoyed" ...sorry, couldn't resist!) for how this went!

Becca

 

N'joy sounds like you got a lot out of it in a very short time. The good news about bed bugs is they don't transmit disease, they are an unintended consequence of the banning of DDT. They had been eradicated along with other bugs by DDT. Entomolgists at SFU, up your way, are making breakthroughs isolating pheromones attracting bb's to traps, they may be marketable by next year.

 

I had done that work, previously, blake, so I already knew I felt abandoned at 3 (he didn't leave the home, but emotionally dumped me and was nasty from then on). But I had never realized I was treating my husband the same way although he had NEVER done that. One of the principles of dynamic psychotherapy is, I gather, that troubled relationships in the present invariably have their roots in the past. Worked for me.

I'm so glad your husband hasn't brought any bugs home! The hotel I stayed in was old (historic!) and cheap because the area isn't good but exactly where I wanted to be. They obviously work their butts off to keep it super clean.

 

Good news, TT. Glad to hear SFU is doing something useful with all that education. The bed bug has got to be the common cold of visible bugs!

 

Becca, you said, "I have to to be the perfect person, the perfect friend; otherwise I will lose my friendships." That's quite similar to my reaction except I don't seem to have the knack for being the perfect anything! Very frustrating trying, actually.

Another thing happened today that shows ISTDP has really helped. My husband didn't want to share his candy (lol, do we ever grow up?) and said so (ordinarily he would have stuffed his feelings and shared). I felt mistreated and said so. Neither of us got really mad. Later, he explained I had reminded him of his older brother who always took stuff away from him and then he gave me some candy. This was quite amazing for us. The change in me is causing a change in him!

 

Well, the thing is that I'm no longer worried about being abandonned at all. Over and done with. I don't think I ever really was! This is having a profound effect on the relationship with my husband and I do believe it is freeing him up to notice and address his own issues. Please don't imagine that the marital road is now without bumps -- it isn't. But as ISTDP promises, I do seem to be able to navigate more rationally and -- important! -- in better sync with what I really want out of life. Before, I was reacting with fear of something that happened long ago. Now, I seem to be thinking in the present and reaching my own conclusions. Big improvement.

Blake, I really didn't "go all the way back to 3 and get in touch with that pain". I already knew I was miserable for about 5 years after age 3 but my adult self had forgotten the source. The ISTDP helped me remember that connection and then see the connection to the present. I was never, at any point, truly reliving the original pain. It was much less traumatic than expected (in fact, it was a huge relief).

Since then, I've been reading up on the Law of Attraction (I realized my thinking had become way too negative) and have started on a book about how and why memory reconsolidation works so well, if the correct steps are followed. It has never really worked on me (EMDR, EFT, NLP and the like) but I'm hoping that I can now simply redo some decisions I made, long ago, based on false or inadequate information. It seems like the next step!

Another thing, my last doctor thought I was bipolar (mild but problematic) and tried to put me on lithium because I was having rapid mood swings. Well, none of that since the ISTDP sessions. I've felt a bit down (but nothing near depression) and a bit up (but nothing near a manic state) a few times -- a very different experience than what my "normal" used to look at.

Just to clarify: athough quite a few people do report real improvement after a few hours of ISTDP (and studies show excellent results in people who compete 20 to 80 hours of treatment), for all I know there may be people who hate it and quit. I'm not one of them and that's really all I know for sure. As I've mentioned previously, the first session (2 or 3 hours) is intended to identify people who will probably benefit more from other forms of treatment.

One more thing, my bugs are about the same (no bedbugs, thanks be, but the delusional ones). Always at night. Often at times when I truly don't see how I can be anxious (laughing my head off at Doctor Who, for example). It's weird. Still, ISTDP (and TMS) techniques make being buggy easier to take because, of course, bugs (real or imagined) create their own anxiety. I certainly get how the vast majority of people who have "bugs" cannot be convinced there are no real critters crawling on them. Feels real.

I'm going to try catnip which was the herbal remedy for delusions before anti-psychotics came along. A cup of catnip tea when the sun goes down (and maybe one more before bed) probably can't hurt and just may help. Will report.

 

Wonderful exchange of posts.

I saw a wonderful episode of the TV series "Wings" about abandonment.
It aired in season 2, episode 20, "Mother Wore Stripes" (she was in prison).
She abandoned her two young sons and now returned for forgiveness.
The younger son did, but the older son wouldn't, at first, then he did.

It's really worth watching for any kind of abandonment.

 

Thanks for the update, Njoy. After reading your account, I would love to try this approach for myself, but there doesn't seem to be anyone in my area who practises it. I'll keep looking.

I can relate to what you're saying about the abandonment issue being over and done with now. I recently had an super positive experience with IFS that let me release all of my childhood angst about my mom. It was so amazing! I went to see her for a visit over Christmas and I no longer felt the usual pain and anger. This breakthrough came from unburdeneing one of my exiles. I just followed that wounded child's lead and once I had listened to her, she just knew what she wanted, I gave it her and that was that!

Of course, another issue has come up, triggering more pain, but that's the way it goes, I guess.

Glad you're doing so well.
Blake

 

There's guy in Westmount, blake. I'll pm you. If/when I do more with my therapist it will be by Skype as she lives in Calgary and also practices in Surrey -- a long way from me.

 

Thanks for the reference, Njoy!

 

So welcome, blake!