UGH, Discouraged

Woke up last night with an"episode" this is when my midback is so painful I think I must have cancer or something. Nothing for it but to take vicodin. I'm weaning myself off Klonipin which is a benzo anti- anxiety and muscle relaxant. Therapist says increase of pain might be due to this. Also, really jogging and loving it, Thursday about an hour. If my pain is not physical and challenging it with physical activities that I love will heal it, is it possible jogging is aggravating it? Ugh, took the pain meds at 3:30 this morning and the pain is coming back full force. yikes! I'm a junkie. So discouraged I don't know what to do. Thanks for the opportunity to vent. Best, Jesse

 

Hi Jesse:

I know that Klonopin can be really tough to come off of. You need to go really slowly so that the anxiety doesn't play with you. So as you wean, really give yourself time on this. I know from my own experience that coming off too fast can have effects you don't want.

Well...yes. Is an hour maybe too long? Are you in good enough shape to run this long? I know for me, I'm getting out on the beach (rocks) and overdoing it. I totally feel it later, but love it at the time. Are you walking a bit while you run? Maybe you could walk for awhile, still get in an hour, and feel those wonderful endorphins while you are working up to running an hour.

Jesse. You are NOT a junkie. I take pain medication too and I know the feeling, but you and I aren't junkies. You nor I can try and do all of this in one week/month/however long it takes. Go easy on yourself. You also had that audition earlier this week and perhaps THIS is where the pain is really coming from. Your "tone" was that of failure (perfectionist) when in fact you did so well by even doing something you know brings on anxiety for you.

Tomorrow why don't you do things you love. All day. Only things you love. Maybe a long walk instead of running. Maybe take the recommended dose (just for a day) of Klonopin so that you aren't feeling jumpy. Then do whatever it is you do that brings you joy. Go to the beach, go for a walk, watch a movie, go on a doable hike, anything that you love. Eat only foods you love. Read a book - anything that pops into your head that sounds fun? Do it.

You've been pretty hard on yourself this week. I know that drill. I do it too. But I find if I at least take a day and spend it doing something I love - I have less pain (sometimes for brief periods of time - no pain at all) and it starts the following day off on the right foot.

So sorry you're in so much pain at night. But it kinda says to me that you are having some dreams that could be actually working with your subconscious. We work things out in dreams. And if you remember them? Write them down and exam them in the morning. I don't think your pain is coming from overdoing it during the day (I just contradicted myself) but it just dawned on me that perhaps the program you just worked on IS working as you work through the things you learned through your dreams. Then your subconscious is fighting back by waking you with unbearable back pain in the night.

Remember - it's going to fight hard to win the battle. You are doing all the right things during the day - but you can either tell your subconscious to knock it off during the night and see if that works, or take a pain pill so you can rest. Try telling it to leave you alone, you are in charge and see if that works. I've read where others have done this with success.

But make tomorrow Jesse Day. And give yourself a break from yourself. You are a great, kind, nice person who I'm betting has a lot of talent. Be nice to that guy for at least a day. He deserves a break.

BG

 

Hi Jesse,

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a rough day. I don't really have a lot to add to what Beach Girl said, but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

Take care,
Veronica

 

Jesse, we're SO with you and pulling for you!

I also can't add anything to Beach Girl's advice. I can describe to you the many nights I was awake for hours with TMS-equivalent symptoms, however. My TMS was/is less about pain and more about "nervous" symptoms. Digestive problems, racing heart, twitches, and alarming episodes of extra heart-beats - these are the things that used to keep me up in the middle of the night.

And by the way, your description of your audition totally reminded me of the evening last summer when I had to teach a four-hour class, which I had taught before, but my symptoms were SO bad, I was shaking and wobbly getting from the parking garage to the seminar room, I had to sit down after the first hour, where half of the class couldn't see me, and I had a terrible headache and painful neck for most of the time. It was just awful. My evaluations were not great, needless to say. That just doesn't happen anymore! If I can do it, so can you!

But getting back to your nights: You know the song that goes "Oh the night-time, is the right time, to be with the one you love... " Well, my version of that song is "Oh the night-time, is the right time, for symptoms to make you depressed" :^) I think this is just part of being human - nights ARE hard.

BG has a great point in bringing up dreams. Your brain may be waking you with pain so you stop dreaming. I have often felt very disturbed by my dreams and fearful of their meaning. It was only recently that I read my first book about dreams and understood what BG mentions above. I learned that dreams are, in a sense, meant to be disturbing, because our brains are creating scenarios that are not at all realistic - instead they are designed to challenge us, to deliberately create feelings of fear or confusion, sadness or loss, and to know that we can survive those emotions. Now that I see my dreams as constructive, I don't fear them anymore and I'm sleeping better. All I have to do is remind myself of that before I go to sleep - it really helps.

Do you have any affirmations, or meditations, or visualizations that you do at night, before going to sleep? They are all just variations on the same thing. It doesn't have to be long or involved - you could create an short affirmation where you tell yourself that your body is going to stay relaxed and let you sleep through the night and have some constructive dreams that will help you work out the stuff you're working on or experiencing during the day. Affirmations and visualizations are really powerful, and they are super-easy. I've been known to relax and do a short affirmation, and then read for awhile before falling asleep. Perhaps that's not as effective as it could be :^)

Hm, longer post than I thought when I started. This is such amazing stuff, I love exploring it, and I hope it helps, even if only to know that we're all in the same boat!

Hang in there -

Jan

 

Hi Jesse! Am I wrong, or ar you in the end of the structured program these days? Maybe your fear of its ending and what comes next is bubbling up?

Sorry to hear that you´re struggling.

 

Awesome observation, Linnea!

 

Well it doesn't happen often, but I could NOT sleep last night. Even our 7 month old kitten was sound asleep. I was the lone soul, walking the halls, sitting outdoors, and worrying. So Jesse: you aren't alone. If there is anything this thread has shown you - there are many of us who face the same struggles you do.

Frustration? Yes. Anxious? Yes. Ready to kick TMS? Yes. Those describe ME - not just you.

We're all here for you and we're all either on one side of the fence (mended) or sitting on it ready to jump. I am ready to jump.

How about you? And where are you?

BG

 

Hi Jesse,

I was told by my GP, pain (with cancer) comes right at the end, so assuming you've had conventional GPs check you over I am sure you can stop worrying about that. I also used to have terrible pain in the night. It does help, I feel, to talk to yourself before bedtime, just before you fall asleep. Tell TMS, thanks very much but you don't need it any more to distract you from your emotions as you can deal with all the crap that life is throwing at you, you are not a child any more, and ask it not to wake you in pain. I did this every night and it did help, the pain episodes receeded.

 

Thank you to all who answered. Tookpain meds last night and this morning. Unbearable pain that radiates form my midback around my ribs to my stomach. Olease visualize me pain free. I'm starting to go alittle nuts with the pain. Thanks again J

 

Hang in there Jesse. I'm having the same issues. It gets REAL old. I get that. So you aren't alone.

BG