The Presence Process and Shanshu Vampyr

OK...not a new thread, by any stretch. However, it's the beginning of a new academic year for me, and although I tried once before, I didn't really delve into Michael Brown's book. Now that I'm working with Alan Gordon, I've moved into an apartment where I'm really happy and comfortable, I think it's time.

And since this is the first post in the thread, I'ma re-iterate that the goal for me is not to attain Pain Free, but to change the quality of my experience with TMS and resolve the emotional blocks that are preventing me from attaining Presence.

Only about 10 pages in, not much past the Intro and Foreword, and I feel a sense of hope.

Comments welcome.

 

How do you like it so far? I have the book but haven't started it yet.

 

Sounds like you are doing some great work! There are so many good books out there I am so grateful for all this pertinent mindbody information! I too feel a sense of hope about the healing journey. Please feel free to share any insights about your exploration with Presence.

 

V: I do like it. I know I actually haven't gotten to the "work" yet, but Michael has a strong, clear, and compassionate voice and that's what counts. He also upholds the same mantra that anyone who is serious about TMS does: that it's about the journey and not the outcome; about the betterment of your life and NOT about being pain-free. Yet it's nice that "yes, he has successfully resolved the emotional conditions that led to his painful neurologic condition."

L: Will do.

 

Hmmm:

Seems "the journey" may have come up around page 6 of our lengthy conversation. I'm joking here, but I'm pretty sure I may have mentioned it.

It IS all about learning to live in the moment. So hard to do. And all of life (to me) is about the journey - not the outcome. I am still working at that though. I have not read this book - I'm a little behind in my reading.

I do want to say how stoked I am for you and your progress. Alan is a miracle worker to me. It wasn't one particular thing he said to me, but the conversation as a whole. Obviously he has resonated with you too. Your a whole new "voice". It gives me a lot of inspiration.

And I am doing the happy dance that you and Bear have your own place!

BG

 

Hello all,

Glad this Presence Process is bringing up so much positivity in everyone because despite the positive voice that BG sees in me, I've encountered some of the deepest, most primal fear of this entire journey. I'm talking about waking up from my first day of Night Float as a second year with true hair-raising, drenched in sweat nightmares--that no-one can help me. Something about me telling a counsellor that I'm diagnosed with TMS, and PLEASE help me, and them frowning and recommending medication. And I'm like, oh no, I've been on SSRIs for years, and that just doesn't touch anything! and PLEASE help me! and waking up so terrified that I couldn't fall back asleep.

So I'm feeling really despondent right now. I know Alan would say the internal terrorist is like super-CEO and I'm the janitor, but right now the fear tells me that I'm never gonna get there.

 

No one is positive all the time.

I often have really vivid, scary dreams--not fun. I try to think of them as my mind doing more processing while I'm asleep.

You seem like you've come so far since you first started posting here--there will always be ups and downs, doesn't mean you aren't going to get there.

(((hugs)))

 

:'( Bear and I are terrified. Absolutely terrified. :'(

Perhaps it's a function of the TMS mind, but I feel like my situation is despondent and hopeless. I feel like I'm NEVER going to get there, and my mind rebels at the idea of living this reduced life forever. :'( *cry*

 

Oh, SV, I feel for you! And I think you are right on when you say that perhaps this is a function of the TMS mind! I also totally agree with Veronica (Jan following V around the forum and agreeing with her :^) I had some extremely disturbing dreams while I was doing the work last year, so I got hold of a book about dreams, which helped me to understand and accept my dreams. I didn't understand their particular meaning (that was way too dense for me) but what I did understand is that the purpose of some dreams is to have fearful experiences and to survive them. This is what helps us cope with new information and situations.

So I think there might be a couple of ways for you to accept this - either or both, take your pick?

1. your mind is definitely rebelling because it adamantly refuses to believe that it's safe to let your repressed emotions out into the light of day.

2. your unconscious is trying to process the new way that you want to live vs. the old way, because they are in total conflict with one another, and the old way is having a real hard time giving up seniority.

Either way, I am POSITIVE that the dream is a process, not a setback. Have faith.

Jan

 

I woke up with a whimper. I kid y'all not.

 

Been there, SV. I s'pect we all have, in fact. I used to think nights were the scary time, but in the last year I've discovered that mornings are HARD. Still are, sometimes.

You probably don't even get to have normal mornings - you're on some kind of sanity-bending weird hospital time shit - I mean shift.

J

 

Jan, I must be especially brilliant today

SV: sleep is tough because the unconscious mind is in total control and so the inner bully is probably having a field day. I've found it helpful before I go to sleep to do some positive self-talk--telling myself I know I have TMS, I'm working on my issues of repression and that I am safe and am getting healthier every day. This seems to help with the scary dreams. I also sometimes listen to Louise Hay's Evening Meditations before I go to sleep so I fall asleep hearing something positive.

 

Vee, you are brilliant EVERY day!

 

*sigh* Score one for the messed-up-in-the-head former Psych resident... :'(

I'm afraid. All day, every day. I was doing OK earlier in the week getting pissed at the bully, but that seems to have dissolved into me being a mental wreck yesterday. I think my subconscious is having trouble with 1. my NOT being an intern anymore--it feels REALLY GOOD but I think my SC is having trouble processing the change, and 2. maybe, possibly the fact that I started reading the Presence Process book.

I just feel like I'm spinning in circles. And my vestibular system isn't that great, anyway.

 

I haven't read the book yet, but maybe it triggered something?...can you set it aside for a bit and talk about it with your therapist before continuing? I had this one book on the Inner Child...I read it one day and something in it set me off and I couldn't get out of bed the next day, I was so depressed and exhausted. A few weeks later the same thing happened. I ended up setting it aside (for 10 years!) and just reading that section of it again a few weeks ago and it really triggered me AGAIN, but now I know exactly which part triggered me. I decided I need to go a little slower with feeling feelings than what that book was bringing out in me so I'm not reading it right now.

Healing doesn't have to be intense all the time...I have to remind myself of this too. Sometimes it's just good to watch something mindless on tv or go for a walk.

 

And yet, SV, I see either wisdom or wise humor in everything you say, and your emotions are right out there, they aren't covered up in a lot of talk. You're doing a really good job of communicating, do you know that?

I mean, that's just classic, isn't it? Stereotypes don't come from nowhere!

Uh huh. Yep. Probably both. Good call.

You too? I'm the one with the woozy brain, not so much the pain! I have to replace "pain" with "dizziness or whatever this is" every time I read something. As the brilliant Veronica said somewhere else today, we get the symptoms we get because they match what's going on in our emotions (I'm paraphrasing her but that's the essence).

 

*whimper*

Doing nothing and just letting TMS "be" is completely revolting to me. :'(

 

Hm, now I'm not sure I'm following.

Can you list some of the alternatives to doing nothing?

 

I mean, not fighting the TMS tooth and nail with every available psychological resource. I can't stomach the idea of not "doing" anything to get pain free. Whether it's reading a TMS book, pushing myself with exercise, or being in TMS therapy. Just letting the TMS "be" feels like giving up, feels like failure, feels like I'm tacitly accepting an unpleasant, painful fate. "This is all it's ever going to be. I'm going to be on the Internet machine for the rest of my life and seeking out resources to 'fix' this...and never will" mentality.

I've been able to get to where I am in life by following an algorithmic process. "If this choice works, make this next choice. If not, choose this arm of the decision tree. Choose differently. If THAT choice works out, proceed as follows. If not, make another decision." With TMS, all of my coping strategies are working against me. I KNOW it's a process, a journey, learning--but all I want is for the pain to be gone NOW. There's no rote algorithmic process involved in healing. Although I've followed an algorithmic process in recovery and now I'm not sure WHERE I am, quite honestly.

I have always needed structure, "rules". And yet this is an emotionally-based, right brain process. There are no "rules". It's not a recipe or computer program. I also know that TMS thrives when you "push" against it and "fight" it, because it's an intelligent process (I don't see it as benevolent. I don't see it as my protector. I see it as my enemy.)

So I quite often feel stuck.

I think it was BG in a different thread who mentioned how difficult this is; I think her words were, "The idea of doing 'this' (anything in the vein of moving on with life) with 'that' pain is unacceptable". Perhaps I'm mis-interpreting.

Could be I'm making progress but since I'm not pain-free, I'm, in true TMS personality fashion, beating myself up. All I know is that last night threw me for a tailspin, and that dream freaks me out.