The Little Toe Sprain That Turned Into A Tornado

I will try to keep this short, though I could (and might) write a novel.

Many years (lifetime) of TMS. I can turn the mildest meow into a lions roar of a catastrophe.

Backtrack: Sprained my toe on April 11, 2019. 2:35PM. Culprit: Bedpost. (I keep detailed notes on all injuries).

What should have just been a stubbed toe, turned into a major drama. 2 visits to doctor, one visit to physical therapist, SIX sets of X-RAYS (normal!), walking boot/shoe, epsom salt baths, etc. I was taping the toes, walking in a "surgical shoe" and limping for FOUR WEEKS. Around this same time, my doc told me that I had a "small red flag" in my bloodwork, which was a positive ANA, a POSSIBLE marker of autoimmune disease. The subtests for Lupus, Scleroderma, Sjogren's syndrome, Polymyositis, and Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (11 subtests) were all NEGATIVE. My doctor said that between the negative subtests, and the relatively low ANA Titer of 1:160 (about 5-10% of normal people with no autoimmune disease have this), I have "nothing to worry about, thank god".

Doc said, "We can retest in a few months, but since you have no autoimmune symptoms, and the subtests all normal (as was ALL my other comprehensive bloodwork)...Don't worry! Be happy!".

Well, I AM WORRIED. And I am NOT HAPPY. My mom had serious Lupus (SLE), and it led to what killed her. I watched her die. My sister has Rheumatoid Arthritis, mild, but it's there and she talks about it CONSTANTLY. My doc said we will "keep an eye out, considering my family history, but don't worry, everything looks ok as of now". He keeps telling me not to worry, and we will "keep an eye out". Well, I've already read three books on autoimmune diseases, joined support groups for diseases I don't have and I am certain I am a ticking time bomb. My hypochondriac brain has the pedal of the Porsche pinned to the floor of my nervous system, like Mario Andretti in the final lap of the Indianapolis 500.

Did I mention I was worried? Specifically, I am CONVINCED that I have Rheumatoud Arthritis. It's no joke, and I know I MIGHT have it, but I also know that this is how the past 2 months went down (spoiler alert...TMS):

The last two months, have been among the most stressful in my life. Financially, things have been nearing the level of homelessness, I am trying to run my own full time business, and also, my sister just had surgery and I was her primary caretaker for a week. She is my biggest TMS trigger by FAR. #1! No contest. And I've been with her for a week, as my TMS rises and rises, like a red tide of RAGE.

I love her, and would do anything for her, but even just having dinner with her triggers my TMS. And I've had to care for her, in and out of her home, for a week straight. And now, my sprained toe (which is fully healed by the way, all X-Rays and imaging tests normal) still hurts, and the pain has SPREAD into the other toes on the OPPOSITE foot. When I went in for my sprain a few weeks back, my doc said, "One reason I know you don't have rheumatoid arthritis is that your sprained toe explains the pain. If you had RA, you'd have pain in the OTHER toes on the OTHER foot as well".

Two days later, I began to develop pain in those other toes, on the other foot, and it began on the very days I went to stay with my sister. And to add insult to injury, I fell down in her driveway while attempting to carry her laundry that I had just done, as she ran after me yelling and driving me nuts. I didn't hurt myself at all, just a little fall going down some steps, but that night, my toes began to hurt very badly in both feet. My doc can't figure out why this is. He thinks it sounds NOT like rheumatoid arthritis. But I think I have it now. He will run the RA tests in a few weeks. He says "even if you do have it, it's very mild at this point, and you will be my first case of RA where the pain is in one toe and one toe, usually it's in the whole foot. but please be more careful while walking". And he says I have "hammer toes" which "frequently cause pain and clumsiness". He recommended I see a podiatrist. The PT told me my hammer toes were "mild, and could be solved with orthotics and physical therapy". When I told her my hammer toes had never caused me pain before, she said, "Well, they are know, you're getting older, for one...". I just turned 48.

Now, my whole foot hurts. My feet feel like I am 90 years old. They hurt, burn, ache, and my toes feel like punching bags. I feel SO MUCH anger and rage. I am so angry at my sister, my life, myself. I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't "stand up" for myself. Literally and figuratively.

Do you think TMS can be in feet and toes? WTF. Help!

(I am fully aware of how much this sounds like TMS...INTELLECTUALLY and COGNITIVELY...I mean...for sure its TMS...but I am finding it very hard to FEEL the anger and fear, and memories of my mom and her lupus and HER foot and ankle pain loom in my mind. She died of cancer, after attempting suicide, and I was there for ALL OF THAT. I was the one who found her with her wrists slashed and saved her life, and then cared for her in the last six weeks of her life. That was the beginning of my TMS escalating, and my dad left the family a few months later, and I was orphaned with just my sister and I've not recovered from this trauma. Dr. David Schechter told me I had "TMS on STEROIDS...one of the worst cases he had ever seen.)

 

For some people what we call 'TMS' can occur in virtually any location in the body. I usually only use the 'TMS' trademark when it is a Muscle/nerve/ligament pain, though as we go down the road and look back and realize we are only spiritual beings having a physical experience, all sorts of peculiarities can be attributed to TMS.

After studying the physical model of Sarno (ischemia, conditioning, fear) and becoming absolutely sure it's 100% correct 100% of the time, you start to become open minded to other things.... not necessarily exact correlations like Sarno's ,but pretty damn eerie. Louise Hay's Index is awfully accurate in my experience, even though I would have laughed her off as a quack -feel-good charlatan at one point in my life.
My Friend whose Marriage was a disaster got his ring finger pulled off at work. That kind of stuff.

My dog saw a squirrel and damn near pulled MY finger out of my hand a few weeks ago. The Training leash (25 ft long) got wrapped around it and her full sprinting 60 pounds of hyper dog was stopped by my RING finger. Ouch... Not necessarily pain , but a GROSS feeling. Like catching a football and jamming your finger on a cold winter day .

But stuff like that happens to me all of the time. I am not particularly careful and between hobbies and work, little annoying stuff like that happens every week. So the Dog thing, although uncomfortable, is NOT new.

But... a few days later I notice it's creeping up my forearm. Weakness...burning.... Sarno clearly stated there is no such thing as a 'strain' or 'sprain'. You either damage tissue or you don't but it begins to heal immediately (back of HBP in the 'refuting the diagnosis' section). I instantly recognize this as BULLSHIT, aka My body looking for a TMS trigger.

That's when it's time to sit still with a piece of paper. What is bugging me that I can't feel? What should have me upset that doesn't? Why do I need a distraction?

Oh yeah. The gal I thought I wanted to Marry (RING finger...hey Louise Hay!) is now outing herself as an entitled little brat and I not only have changed my mind about getting married.... I broke up with her! But it's not bugging me. It's a total rational decision. It just isn't working. Right?

Wrong...the unconscious child NEVER grows up. It is just papered over with adult behavior. It is the 5 year old abandoned child again (even when it's my choice)
As I am writing about it the feeling turns into actual Pain... radiating up my arm. Now I KNOW it's TMS. It eventually leaves the arm and goes into my chest.... pretty scary, huh? Heart (Hi Louise)

...and then it's gone. I know I am in a lot more pain than my conscious mind is aware of ...emotional pain. As soon as I out it, all unnatural sensations cease...

You obviously have OCD and TMS to the eenth degree. I read your story and your family dynamic is similar to my own. Ultimately we are all 'orphans' but some of us still believe in the sentimental hallmark TV special bullshit more than others. THAT is actually the erroneous thought but that's for another post. All of that medical work for a toe? There is something going on right now that is flaming you and the toe was just conveniently timed to occupy your attention. If you can start to chip away at what you weren't feeling but should have been, it's just a freakin' stubbed toe. We break lots of them in a normal life.... just look at any old persons feet.

so for the TL;DR YES. TMS can be anywhere. Even Donavan's Toe

be well Bro.

 

Hi Donavanf. I have many of your posts and I am especially interested in the upper back, shoulder blade troubles, as I have hade right scapula pain for many months. I did have a couple of weeks relief a few months ago,but it returned.
How is your right scapula pain now Donavan?
Cheers
Fred.

 

I’m in a world of stress right now. TMS is having a pop. One new and random thing is excruciating, burning pain in my right thumb. Not the joint but the part that connects thumb to hand. It’s ridiculous. It’s TMS. It’s a distraction.

I can’t take it seriously BUT I can deal with the nightmare I’m currently dealing with. I can also muster a serious measure of gallows humour. You need to find a way to break the hold fear has. Laughter is a golden key.

This is a potted version of my weekend.

Shit happens.
Shock hits.
Emotional meltdown/panic
Catastrophise
Flail around for a bit.
Regain fighting spirit
Channel Inner Warrior
Slay Demons
Reclaim my Life
Repeat as necessary

 

Plum, I'd like to add to that list, if you don't mind....
Shared amazing insight on the TMS Wiki and helped light the way.

 

Dear Plum,

You have helped me so much and all I can do is wish you relief and healing soon. SOON. You don't deserve this! Please take time out if you can, be gentle with yourself and that @#%!ing thumb. Some time outside if possible? Ice for the thumb?

Sending love.

 

Hattie, please do. I don’t mind at all. I’ve managed a complete second run through of the list already this evening

And now wine xxx

 

Thank you my darling. I shall be gentle with myself. Tomorrow I plan to lie in the sun with a great book. Tonight I’m planning a threesome with (a tub of) Ben and Jerry’s (chocolate fudge brownie). Ice cream for the thumb xxx

 

Dearest Plum,
We meet again. Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time and TMS has appeared. Is there something we can do to help?

Know that you are very loved and held dear in this community.

Sending you all the peace and love I can muster.

 

God Bless You Ellen, your kindness means the world to me. Being able to be here, to know I have this sanctuary lights my days and warms my heart. Plum xxx