Thanks to all of you

I write this to express my gratitude, to people I have never met and who never knew I lived. I am indebted to all the men and women who contributed their stories and the observations to the TMS Wiki.

I am a 66 year old man. I had always enjoyed good health, except for what I now know to have been minor episodes of TMS. At the beginning of this year I began to suffer lower back pain. The pain appeared to resolve itself two or three times, but always returned. By comparison with the suffering endured by others my suffering was not great. I could walk on flat land. I could sleep. But I was being drained by the constant low level pain. Worse I was growing depressed because I looked ahead to a limited life without travel, without hiking and without being able to clean my own house. I have no idea why I place such great store in this last activity, but I do.

The only prospect offered me by standard medicine was learning to live a constrained life taking anti-inflammatory drugs. The nadir came when I was watching a TV program about the California coast and I broke down crying thinking I would never be able to walk those golden hills again.

As summer began another recrudescence of pain coincided with a period a period of emotional stress and anger. I could observe my back tightening by the hour. I was not so blind that I couldn’t see the causal connection.

I went on the internet to find out about the psychological causes of back pain. I found little, but what I found was enough. I read Dr. Sarno’s book “Healing Back Pain” and did the 42 day Wiki recovery program online. I am not a social networker and I don’t have a Facebook page. I made no posts on the website. Still I learned and I took the lessons to heart.

What I discovered about myself was nothing unique; suppressed anger. In my case the anger was deepened by my awareness that time in this little life was running out.

I cannot proclaim a final, definitive, triumph over all symptoms. Perhaps that would be pride and I fear pride brings on misfortune. Besides, minor episodes of pain continue. The important thing is that I am doing all the things I want to do, including cleaning the house, and I have great hope for the future. For that I am grateful to each person who posted a comment or wrote an article for the wicki. Keep it up you are doing good in the world that you can’t always even know about.

 

Thanks to Forest for bringing your post to our attention, and many thanks, to you, Terry, for writing it. Like you, I didn't feel that my symptoms, two years ago at age 60, were terribly devastating, and yet my life also was in danger of becoming seriously constrained by fear and anxiety as they kept getting worse instead of better - and then by pure luck I came across a recommendation for The Divided Mind, by Dr. Sarno - and it turned my life around. One of the best things in it was written by one of the six other contributors to that book: an acknowledgement of the very legitimate rage we have about aging - while society tells us to "age gracefully" and calls these "the golden years" and all of that crap. Acknowledging the rage and the associated fear of mortality, and bringing it out in the open was greatly freeing.

I still struggle with all kinds of issues and yes, continuing symptoms today, but my relationship with the symptoms is totally different, my life is NOT constrained, and I have this wonderful community of people, as well as the brilliant Dr. Sarno, to thank for the many positive changes I have experienced, and continue to experience.

Anyway, welcome, Terry - and enjoy our group here - you'll find some amazing information to help you in your journey - the knowledge of Dr. Sarno is really only the beginning!

Jan

 

Glad the TMS Forum was helpful for you, Terry. I too have had that feeling of supreme sadness when I thought about never being able to hike those rolling hills again, of being constrained and confined by TMS. Isn't it amazing to be able to do physical things you thought you'd never to do again? Isn't wonderful when you find how much repressed anger can negatively impact your physical life? Nice to learn that our group has served its purpose so subtly and without fanfare.

BruceMC

 

Terry, I am so glad you're here and grateful for sharing a bit of your journey. I too struggled with a bleak outlook on life…but earlier than you…it started in my mid 40s as I felt slowly and progressively my activity options were disappearing.

I feel like I'm watching a new life unfold for me at 49 now. It's exciting. It's not a linear path, that's for sure…but it's all good. And being part of this forum is certainly a huge upside to TMS.

PS I loved the use of the astronomy- related word "nadir". I love words and that was a new one to me! It's especially interesting to me because of my screen name. I aim to live true to my North Star…my true calling in life.

 

When I was very young, my mom had a near-death event. She always told me that she made a 'deal' with God. She wanted to live at least to 40, so she could raise her kids. At 40, she said, she would gratefully die.

I incorporated that concept deeply. Through the years, as crippling abuses occurred, and my life was nearly extinguished, I pulled out of my history and looked to the distant future. I would endure until I was 40, and then I would finally be free from this pain. Every single day of my life, death was my constant companion. Death was my friend. I was baffled and surprised when 40 came ... and was crossed ... I didn't feel death lurking. Instead, I was awakening. I am 49 now, and I see changes. Grey is starting to infiltrate my hair (my husband calls them highlights), my skin is changing.

I find this fascinating, rather than enraging. I have actually become more graceful in motion, and my body shape and condition is the best it has ever been in my life. I feel .... safe. I do not see death as the enemy. It is merely part of the cycle. The moment we are born, we are aging. I liken it to the Rose ... the flowers come and go through the seasons, but the roots are still there, strong and enduring.

That you found some freedom, Jan ... that is beautiful.
You are beautiful.

with grace and gratitude,
^_^

 

WOW, Lily Rose. What a testament to life well lived!

 

I read that Woody Allen is very angry that he too will some day die.
He says he really doesn't mind dying, but just doesn't want to be there when it happens.
I guess that's his existentialist humor.

I will look for Dr. Sarno's thoughts on mortality in The Divided Mind.

I really didn't think much on the subject until I turned 80, which was three years ago.
Now I think it's giving me TMS.

 

You don't look a day over 25 Walt! You look great!!! Sending you peaceful energy & positive thoughts!

 

Walt, you are so together more than most at 40!! Your wisdom is what I most admire and
respect. Please know how much you've helped and con't to help all of the people on this
forum, especially me. You are such a special human being and I thank God that you entered
my life. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!!! Give Annie a kiss for me! Nancy

 

Hi Walt, I think I posted in the wrong place, just read a few posts down, Sorry,
Nancy

 

Terry. I am just starting on my TMS journey. I didn't think I would post anything either. But I am finding the reading AND posting cathartic. Your story was heartfelt and so genuine. I am glad to see you have made some progress. Aging can be a challenging process. Best wishes to you

 

Sanghagirl - Welcome to the forum!

 

Terry, I just read your story and it was so inspiring. Thank you!!!

 

Terry, that fluffy ball of love in your arms is a great comfort, I'm sure, as my Annie is to me.

Herbie and I wrote a book together about our TMS journeys and one of my closing chapters is on
"The End Game." I offer my thoughts which are strong on faith that we will go somewhere wonderful,
and looked up quotes from some famous people on the subject of mortality. They also are positive
and I will quote a few here. Our book will be available soon and we'll announce it in the forum.

Here are few of the quotes:


“There is no death, only transition. Knowing that we are spirit incarnated on Earth to discover our true self throughout physical form, and knowing that Spirit does not die, then we can understand that death is nothing to fear because it is then really only a transition and a ‘return to home.’” – Deepak Chopra (1946- ) Indian-American physician, holistic health advocate.

“Death – the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening.” – Sir Walter Scott (1771-1982) Scottish novelist.

“Death is nothing else but going home to God, the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity.” – Mother Teresa (1910-1997) Albanian Roman Catholic nun, savant of the poor and destitute.

“I believe there are two sides to the phenomenon known as death, this side where we live, and the other side when we shall continue to live. Eternity does not start with death. We are in eternity now.” – Rev. Norman Vincent Peale (1898-1993) American minister and self-help author.

“Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions, and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, ‘Did you bring joy?’ The second was, ‘Did you find joy?’” – Leo Buscaglia (1924-1998) American author, educator.

“As a well spent day brings sleep, so life well used brings happy death.” – Leonardo DaVinci (1452-1519) Italian painter, sculptor, architect, inventor.

“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.” – Groucho Marx (1890-1977) American comedian, actor.

“You live on Earth only for a few short years which you call an incarnation, and then you leave your body as an outworn dress and go for refreshment to your true home in the spirit.” – White Eagle (1840-1914) Native American Ponca Indian chief.

“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.” – Tecumseh (1768-1813) Native American Shawnee Indian chief.

“I intend to live forever – or die trying.” (Groucho Marx).

“Be calm. God waits you at the door.” – Gabriel Garcia Marquez – (1927- ) Colombian novelist.

“Nothing can happen more beautiful than death.” – Walt Whitman (1819- author, poet.

“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne (1907-1979) American actor.

My favorite and most comforting thoughts on accepting my own mortality come from Irish writer C.S. Lewis who said,


“Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

That’s what I call wisdom, and acceptance.